Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!
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Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!
| Mon, 11-28-2005 - 1:18pm |
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we have lived together for 3 years and I am so confused. I thought when 2 people fall in love, the ultimate goal is to get married and spend the rest of your life with that person. Well things havent really gone that way for me and I dont understand why. He doesnt want to get married "right now" but 5 years?!?!?! And he has been giving me this excuse for over a year. Not that I bring this up all the time and hound the heck out of him but its hard when the holidays come around and both of our families are asking us when we are getting married. I mean do you put a time limit on these things? And the fact that he isnt breaking down the door to marry me makes me question myself and our love and I just dont understand if its me, or something I do, or dont do and it makes me think "ok what about when he is ready, is the fact that it took him this long mean that he thinks he has to do this because he owes it to me or does he really want to, are we really in love??" I just dont know and I know the smart thing to do would be talk about it with him but I cant. He does not want to talk about this at all and if I ever bring it up he starts the conversation out fine but you can tell in his voice he is getting mad because he wants to avoid it and I want answers. I want to make this work and I would do anything I can for this man but when we talk about this he gives me no answers as to what I can do to make this happen. I feel stupid for getting upset over this but I obviously know in my heart that there is something wrong or it wouldnt bother me. And I dont have anyone to talk to about this. I dont like to let my mom in on my business because she is so judgemental and no one I know really has good advice or really cares for that matter. I just dont understand why life cant really have the fairytale ending that its supposed to (or so I thought). Is it wrong to expect marriage after 5 years? And when we talk about it he makes me out to be selfish for saying "its time to make a true comittment or move on" like I am just throwing this love away but if he cares so much, why does he still avoid getting married? His parents are still married and I will admit they dont have the perfect marriage, but could this have something to do with how he feels about it or is it ultimatly me? He tells me all the time that I am the woman he wants to marry and that the time will come but I am getting so impatient and I dont know if its justified or not. Any advice would help so much.

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How old is he? How secure financially are the two of you?
My thoughts, without knowing anything more, is that he doesn't feel an urgency to get married because he won't gain anything by being married. So why hurry that along? It's not you though, it's him and his views on marriage and how much importance he puts on it.
Are you willing to keep living with him without marriage if he never decides to marry you? What is your limit?
Jen
>>How old is he? How secure financially are the two of you?<<
The same two questions that I was going to ask :-)
>>is that he doesn't feel an urgency to get married because he won't gain anything by being married<<
That's what my mum always said. A guy won't be in a rush marry you if he's already getting all the benefits without the ring. And I have to say that it also reflects my relationship. My partner and I have lived together for 13 years now. We have two kids, a mortgage and absolute commitment. But we've never formally married because we won't gain anything by being married.
I do have some other thoughts, but I won't continue until I know how old you are and your financial status.
>>And he says stuff all the time about getting married and then when I stop and I'm like really well when would you like to, where, how, he just totally freezes up and tries to change the subject and when I wont let him he starts to get ill. I just dont understand why he would talk about it and tease me with it if he has no intentions at all of acting upon it<<
It sounds to me as though he does have intentions of getting married someday, but just not on your time frame. In your first post, you said that he wants to marry in 5 years or so and in this post you also say that he speaks of marriage. I'm thinking that the problem is that you're not hearing him or wanting to accept his thoughts on the matter.
First piece of advise is to NOT try to pin him down on the 'where' and 'how' you will marry. Guys hate that stuff. Leave all that till after you're formally engaged. As for the 'when', if 5 years is too long away for you then tell him. Tell him that you need to plan your life and have some idea of where you are heading. But don't hassle him into getting engaged *now* or even *next year* because you already know that this isn't going to work for him. Perhaps look at meeting mid-way? Say, 2 or 3 years away.
Lastly, I think you're over reacting about other people going wide eyed at your lack of a ring. People really don't care that much about what others do - they are far to involved in their own lives to care whether or not you're engaged. It's like how when you've got a pimple on your nose or a bad hair day, you think that everyone notices. But in reality, it's really not something they will see.
And if you don't like calling him your boyfriend, try using 'partner' instead.
I have to say first and foremost that I would never urge a 22 or a 24 year old to get married, it's still quite young there are still plenty of changes you'll be making (developmentally and maturity wise) and that fact that you started dating when you were 17 means you've had zero experience in the real world of adult dating. Those are some pretty important reasons that waiting a few more years at least makes good sense. Your friends are all getting engaged and married? Great, smile and congratulate them, then be darned glad you aren't one of them as they line up for their divorces due to making life decisions at an age where they didn't really know what they'd want for the rest of their lives based on the adults they were yet to become. Sometimes families and friends ask "when are you getting married" more because it's expected (kind of like "how are you doing?" for couples) rather than because they genuinely think you should be moving that way. I hope my kids do not consider marriage or engagement at that point in their lives.
Based on your last post, it does sound like your boyfriend has some plans to marry at some point, but your post also indicates a pretty concerning problem. You want to talk to him about it but you just can't? You've been together five years, are wanting to marry this guy but you can't carry on a conversation about something that's important to you? That's a serious concern. You should have enough courage and strength to bring up any subject you want to with him, and if you can't you shouldn't be considering marrying him, IMO. Communication is pretty important in marriage, and if there are topics you "can't" talk to him about now, there will be more as you go. By the same token, your boyfriend should be caring and respect your feelings enough to talk about any subject that's important to you, no matter how he feels about it. If he doesn't, there's another serious problem. I don't know why you can't sit down and say, "Look, I know this is a subject you don't like to talk about but it's important to me and I need to understand what's going on." If he can't/won't discuss it, I'd have to seriously reconsider what this relationship is based on, because it wouldn't' seem to be equality, care or respect and if those ingredients are missing, you shouldn't be there - a relationship without mutual care, respect and equality is not where anyone should be.
Dating adult men might just open up your eyes to a lot of more mature, respectful, equal thinking that you may not even realize you've been missing. You'd be far from the first who started a relationship in their teens, thought the guy was perfect and wonderful, broke up only to find that the guy they'd been with -- the "perfect and wonderful" one was barely adequate on the scale of how adult relationships are.
You've asked about how long you should have to wait, what if he's never ready, etc. Well, since you can't talk to him about it, it's pretty hard for you to find out where he stands and find out if what he's thinking is agreeable and acceptable to you or not. The bottom line is that you have the right to want marriage now if that's what you want. By the same token, he has the right to want it in five years, to *maybe* want it in five years, to never want it, or to think maybe he'll change his mind down the road and be agreeable to marriage, *sometime*. What you do with that is your choice, but waiting for a guy who doesn't want it and maybe never will want it may turn out to be a huge waste of your time. You may wait another five years only to find he's still not ready, still thinking "another five years" or maybe leaning towards not wanting marriage period. It sucks, but that's the way it goes; he's just as entitled to what he wants as you are. Of course it's only fair that he be willing to verbalize what he wants, or what he thinks he'll want so that you can make the right choice for yourself. The bottom line is that if you want to get married soon and he does not, you have a choice, accept what he wants or wait without complaint. Honestly, it's probably best to move on to find someone who's looking for and wanting the same thing you are; you may be waiting for someone who's never going to want what you want. Waiting patiently would be difficult if not impossible; your wants and needs are not being met. Pushing him to "hurry up" will not be fair either and it won't likely result in anything positive. There's nothing wrong with telling him clearly, "this is what I want and if you aren't at the same place I am, I think it's best to move on so we can both find a relationship that better fits our wants and needs." Hard to do, yes, but waiting for someone who may never be where you want them to be is harder in the long run. Marrying someone you can't talk to, or at least are limited to the subjects you can approach with them, even if those subjects are important to you is a serious concern -- as in controlling, dysfunctional relationship in which you are stifled and not at all an equal partner.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It's always hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle of them. And you have emotions and feelings that we don't have, that makes it easier for us to see it "cut and dry". It's always easier to see answers to problems that aren't yours! It's tough, I know and we did give you lots to think about. Give yourself time to take it all in, it takes time to soak in. Besides, nothing says you have to "get it" all today.
Something that I do that helps me figure out what I should do for myself is to ask myself what I'd say if the problem I had weren't mine but someone else's. That lets me take a step back from the problem and the distance helps me see the answer clearer. I often don't like the answer that's obvious, but darn it, there it is anyway.
I'm glad we helped. Let us know how it goes.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree with CL. 22 and 24 is very young to be getting married. If you've read that book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, it explains how men equate themselves with their careers. It's how they feel worthy and successful. Your "partner" is going to school and working part time. He's not even ready (nor should he be) to have to settle down to all the responsibilities until after his career is set.
My now husband was with a girl when he was 25 and they lived together for 5 years. She hounded him all the time to get married. He truly loved her but was not ready to get married at 25 yrs old. They finally broke up and then when he was 31 he met another girl and they lived together for 9 years. He wasn't ready then either. I have to think I met him at simply the right time. We didn't live together until shortly before we got married BTW.
That's not to say you have to wait that long, but stop hounding him and he'll feel more comfortable about the idea on his own.
Okay, I have to say that I got married at 20 and my DH was 22, almost 23. Granted, we do have quite a few issues now, but I seriously think those issues would have been here had we married now instead of then. Why? Because it's baggage that got brought into the marriage from upbringing, not from being too young to get married. I don't think he would have worked through any of his issues, I think they would have been worse. But that's neither here nor there in this post.
I just want to say that I do think it's possible to know exactly what you want and to not have that change when you are your age. I knew what I wanted then, I still want the same things, and I am essentially the same person as I was then. (With more life experience and knowledge.) I think this whole "not being old enough" thing is more recent in time and more because today's kids aren't expected to be grown up til they are in their 30s. And I think that it's wrong and a load of bunk. BUT, it IS how kids are getting raised (generalization) and so there are A LOT of people out there who don't bother to "grow up" (or mature) until long past when they should have.
Just my thoughts. :)
Jen
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