Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!
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Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!
| Mon, 11-28-2005 - 1:18pm |
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we have lived together for 3 years and I am so confused. I thought when 2 people fall in love, the ultimate goal is to get married and spend the rest of your life with that person. Well things havent really gone that way for me and I dont understand why. He doesnt want to get married "right now" but 5 years?!?!?! And he has been giving me this excuse for over a year. Not that I bring this up all the time and hound the heck out of him but its hard when the holidays come around and both of our families are asking us when we are getting married. I mean do you put a time limit on these things? And the fact that he isnt breaking down the door to marry me makes me question myself and our love and I just dont understand if its me, or something I do, or dont do and it makes me think "ok what about when he is ready, is the fact that it took him this long mean that he thinks he has to do this because he owes it to me or does he really want to, are we really in love??" I just dont know and I know the smart thing to do would be talk about it with him but I cant. He does not want to talk about this at all and if I ever bring it up he starts the conversation out fine but you can tell in his voice he is getting mad because he wants to avoid it and I want answers. I want to make this work and I would do anything I can for this man but when we talk about this he gives me no answers as to what I can do to make this happen. I feel stupid for getting upset over this but I obviously know in my heart that there is something wrong or it wouldnt bother me. And I dont have anyone to talk to about this. I dont like to let my mom in on my business because she is so judgemental and no one I know really has good advice or really cares for that matter. I just dont understand why life cant really have the fairytale ending that its supposed to (or so I thought). Is it wrong to expect marriage after 5 years? And when we talk about it he makes me out to be selfish for saying "its time to make a true comittment or move on" like I am just throwing this love away but if he cares so much, why does he still avoid getting married? His parents are still married and I will admit they dont have the perfect marriage, but could this have something to do with how he feels about it or is it ultimatly me? He tells me all the time that I am the woman he wants to marry and that the time will come but I am getting so impatient and I dont know if its justified or not. Any advice would help so much.

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Now wait a minute Jen, I've read your posts. According to what you've written you struggle with some significant problems and have been reluctantly contemplating whether you can continue marriage with your husband.
Don't you think that if you'd waited until you had a little more maturity and life experience under your belt you might have seen things in a different light and made a different choice?
<>
~~The main reason I've questioned whether or not I can stay is a reason (had it existed then) that I wouldn't have married him in the first place. But the reason didn't exist then. It's a fairly recent thing. And one thing I've learned (besides you can't make people change) is that you can't make people NOT change either. If I had waited til I was this old and married him, he could have decided next year that he had this struggle with religion and I would be in the same spot.
I did point out to the OP that we had some pretty big problems now because I am NOT going to paint that my marriage is great and wonderful and I also married young. BUT I do not think that marrying young was or is part of the problem. At least not from my side. I am the same person I was then. Have I grown since then? Sure. Does that mean that it was wrong to get married then? No. If everyone waited til they stopped growing to get married no one would be married.
The kicker for me is that I think divorce would be less if marriage were more important (generalization). There ARE some things that warrant divorce (abuse, infedilities, etc) and I won't tell someone else that they absolutely shouldn't get divorced but if marriage were REALLY REALLY important and people worked at getting through the rough spots instead of bailing (again a generalization), divorce wouldn't be near so prevalent. Which has nothing to do with age in my book, but the ease of divorce and the little value placed on marriage.
Jen
P.S. BTW-- by warrant divorce, I mean bailing without trying to "fix" the problem because I don't think those problems can really be fixed.
No, no, I understand that what is currently the focus of your problem** didn't exist until recently, I'm talking about the character that precedes it. Please forgive me if I'm incorrect, but you've described him as someone who doesn't want responsibility, who want things the way he wants them, but doesn't want to have to do any of the work to make it happen. You've said his mother treats him like he's God's gift and he didn't lift a finger growing up. Seeing those things as 20, you're likely to shrug them off and focus on what's wonderful. At 30 you recognize the traits as being much more serious and worthy of real concern, as you would also recognize that how his family of origin operates will largely be how he will expect to continue in and affect his married life. I didn't mean that at 30 you'd say, "oooh, I think he's going to have some serious religion problems down the road, I'd better steer clear of this one.", but I do think it's likely that you'd say, "hmmm, do I want to marry a man who's been raised to believe the sun raises and sets around him and whom doesn't seem to be taking on responsibility well? Are these struggles I want to deal with daily in my life?" I remember that he talked a good game when it came to what he felt a woman's responsibility in the house was, but it turned out to be all talk. If you'd had more maturity and life experience you'd have realized his upbringing was going to dictate how he really expected things to go and wouldn't have been so quick to believe his statements.
<> That's exactly what I'm saying. Neither of you has changed, but the problems that weren't realized due to your immaturity and lack of life experience have continued to cause problems and those problems are getting more serious. In that way I think marrying young is every part of the problem.
I agree that divorce would be less if marriage was more, but I look at it a little differently than you do. I think if people were looking at marriage as something REALLY REALLY important they'd want to take enough time and trouble to make certain it's right BEFORE they married. If that kind time and care were given, divorce WOULD be less, much less. Statistics alone tell the story on marriages begun at a young age. There are plenty of stories and advice by adults everywhere advising to wait. I believe all marriages have rough spots, no matter what age you are when you marry, but what we're talking about here are not rough spots, they are constant, traits, personalities and character, things that don't come and go. You can work through a rough spot, but who that person is is there for life. I don’t think many bail without trying to fix the problem, whatever it is. Golddiggers who only married for the alimony they’d get would be the only exception I see.
**I do think the current problem you're facing isn't such a new problem. Rather, I believe it is a branch of that same old problem, his not wanting to do the work to get what he wants.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"People really don't care that much about what others do - they are far to involved in their own lives to care whether or not you're engaged."
I agree - and if there are people (outside your immediate circle of close family and friends) who seem overly invested in what you do, then those folks probably need to get a life.
"You'd be far from the first who started a relationship in their teens, thought the guy was perfect and wonderful, broke up only to find that the guy they'd been with -- the "perfect and wonderful" one was barely adequate on the scale of how adult relationships are."
That's me. I started dating a great guy when I was 17. A couple years later I realized he was going nowhere and not the man for me. He was also a bit posessive and jealous, which at 17 I mistook for love, caring, and commitment.
I just ready your message on the message board, I have to say that I am going through the exact same thing. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years, 7 of those were off and then 2 years ago we moved in together, he bought a house and moved me and my daughter in, I have a daughter who's father has nothing to do with her, and my boyfriend has been in the pic since she was 2. In fact just this past weekend we were fighting about the whole situation, his parents always introduces me as his finance and yes it bothers me, cause I'm ready, I am 30 and he is 31, he says he feel I don't trust him and he won't marry someone that does not trust him (I do trust him) when we fight I always bring the past up , which is wrong I know and he would like to be secure financially before getting married and having kids. So I know what your going through and it's painful. So I guess I was wondering if you decided on what your going to do about your situation. Cause I'm so confused, I feel my boyfriend will never be ready. He was engaged twice to the same girl when he was 17-18 yrs old. He said he won't be pushed into getting engaged, but I don't say anything about it. It just so happens once in a blue moon, I just need to talk to him about and and see were we are, if we're on the same level. What do you do when one partner is ready and the other is not and your not sure if he ever will be.
Sunshine, if I read you right, it sounds like your boyfriend is very clear on what the problem is and it also seems that you recognize that it's a problem -- bringing up the past in an argument. If that's true it sounds like there are some very definite and positive actions that you can take that will end the problem and allow him to feel marrying is the right thing to do. (I have to say I absolutely agree with him; I wouldn't consider marriage to someone whom I didn't feel trusted me, nor would I marry if there were problems in the relationship that were important to me and weren't being resolved).
It seems to me the ball's in your court. You can keep beating your head against the wall and lament his refusal to marry, or you can do something about the specific reason he's not willing to marry. See a therapist to work on the issues that cause you to bring up past issues and resolve it. Seeing you actively working on the problem with a therapist will show him you're serious about resolving the problem and will show him you're serious about improving yourself and your relationship. When the work's been done and the problem no longer exists, the barrier will be broken. If he's part of the problem, say your fighting style, etc., your therapist will recognize that and will suggest couples counseling for the two of you.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I do agree with cl on the counseling. Its really hard to talk about this issue because of so many emotions, its almost like you cant keep them sorted out and it leaves you getting nowhere with a solution.
After I posted my problem on the board I got some great reponses from both sides of the situtaion and after confiding in a close friend I came to the conclusion that this issue was going to hang over my head forever if I didnt talk to him about it, which in my case was my biggest fear. We had gone through this same thing about a year and a half ago and it almost broke us up and when the smoke finally settled it was agreed upon that we would put this marriage thing on hold until we were back to normal (the marriage issue REALLY put a strain on our relationship and I really just wanted us to be us again, before it got all complicated). So to bring up this issue again was extremly hard, but I had to be true to myself in the fact that marriage is something that is very important to me and nothing is going to change that.
So one night I went home and I told him that I wanted him to just listen to me while I talked about some things and then I wanted him to think about the things I was about to say and then the next night I wanted to hear from him on the topic (By doing this I was trying to elliminate the confrontation factor, and I didnt want to give him the impression that this was a discussion of pressuring him, I wanted him to be honest about the way he felt and where we were and how we had grown as a couple and the effects that had on his opinion of us and our future) So I just spilled the beans and told him everything and that night went ok and he said he would definitly think about everything and we could continue the discussion the next night.
So the next day at work, praying he wasnt going to back out on being honest, he called me to see how my day was and before we got off the phone, I asked him very nicely "You havent forgotten about us tonight have you?" And he said "Of course not. Everythings going to be ok and I'm not going to let anything happen to us" and that was such a huge relief! I thought he was going to cop out and act like the night before had never happend. So when he got home that night I asked if we could go ahead and have this talk before we get into watching tv and cooking dinner and he went on to tell me that it is going to happen and he doesnt want me thinking its going to be forever or its never going to happen so after discussing some financial matters regarding the topic, that was that. We have Christmas, Valentines Day, our Anniversiary, and my birthday between now and April so I set my own personal date and after that I'm going to have to move on.
I expected him to shut me away on how he felt about it because usually it was not up for discussion but being as open as he was, and with nothing negative to say about it, I'm pretty optomistic. Moving on is going to be really hard if I have to do it but I have tried to supress this issue, but time and time again I come back to it so I finally just accepted the fact that it is important to me and nothings going to change that. Its not fair to either one of us to go on with it hanging over us so thats how I handled it with my BF. I'm just going to keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.
As far as your situation I really dont know what to tell you. Its really a personal decision and although its a hard one, you have to really think about all aspects of it before putting anything in stone. The best advise I can give is dont make any big desicions when your upset or mad and try to remember to make it a discussion between the both of you. I know its really hard to get men to open up and be honest especially with issues that regard your future together but he has got to be open and honest and so do you. Thats probably the biggest thing I learned is to be as open and honest as possible because you owe it to each other.
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