Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!
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Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!
| Mon, 11-28-2005 - 1:18pm |
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we have lived together for 3 years and I am so confused. I thought when 2 people fall in love, the ultimate goal is to get married and spend the rest of your life with that person. Well things havent really gone that way for me and I dont understand why. He doesnt want to get married "right now" but 5 years?!?!?! And he has been giving me this excuse for over a year. Not that I bring this up all the time and hound the heck out of him but its hard when the holidays come around and both of our families are asking us when we are getting married. I mean do you put a time limit on these things? And the fact that he isnt breaking down the door to marry me makes me question myself and our love and I just dont understand if its me, or something I do, or dont do and it makes me think "ok what about when he is ready, is the fact that it took him this long mean that he thinks he has to do this because he owes it to me or does he really want to, are we really in love??" I just dont know and I know the smart thing to do would be talk about it with him but I cant. He does not want to talk about this at all and if I ever bring it up he starts the conversation out fine but you can tell in his voice he is getting mad because he wants to avoid it and I want answers. I want to make this work and I would do anything I can for this man but when we talk about this he gives me no answers as to what I can do to make this happen. I feel stupid for getting upset over this but I obviously know in my heart that there is something wrong or it wouldnt bother me. And I dont have anyone to talk to about this. I dont like to let my mom in on my business because she is so judgemental and no one I know really has good advice or really cares for that matter. I just dont understand why life cant really have the fairytale ending that its supposed to (or so I thought). Is it wrong to expect marriage after 5 years? And when we talk about it he makes me out to be selfish for saying "its time to make a true comittment or move on" like I am just throwing this love away but if he cares so much, why does he still avoid getting married? His parents are still married and I will admit they dont have the perfect marriage, but could this have something to do with how he feels about it or is it ultimatly me? He tells me all the time that I am the woman he wants to marry and that the time will come but I am getting so impatient and I dont know if its justified or not. Any advice would help so much.

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Snkemp02, it sounds like you have made some huge progress in your situation -- congratulations!
Good for you for taking that important step and talking to him about this issue. It's important to you and should be discussed. I love the way you handled it, it was just perfect! Telling him you wanted him to just listen, think about it and give you his response and feedback the following day is perfect, for exactly the reasons you said. I also love the fact that you've given yourself a deadline. That's a very important and healthy thing for you to do for yourself. It assures you are accountable to yourself and your happiness. It makes you matter to yourself, if that makes any sense.
Great going!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Best of luck, Snkemp02! Be sure to let us know how it goes, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
That's all great and everything, but what about you not being able to talk to him? I mean you pushed it with this subject, do you plan to continue to make sure you matter too? The whole "I want to talk to him but I'm afraid to bring it up" is a way bad sign that this isn't the greatest of places for you to be. His known all along that this bothers you and puts it aside so easily without talking honestly about it is another.
I'm hoping if an engagement is coming that you won't marry until or unless your on equal ground.
I understand that you're upset about him not being ready and that you feel like he'd be ready if he knew how much it affected you. To that, I say two things:
As far as ring shopping goes, my guess would be he did it to quiet you? If I understand correctly, the money put aside for it is from you so it's not like spending the money is going to be a drain on his finances. BTW, paying for your own ring? Can you take a step back and look at this situation (buying your ring, you don't count, etc.) from the perspective that it's someone else? What would you think if this were a friend's situation?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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