Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!
50
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 1:18pm
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we have lived together for 3 years and I am so confused. I thought when 2 people fall in love, the ultimate goal is to get married and spend the rest of your life with that person. Well things havent really gone that way for me and I dont understand why. He doesnt want to get married "right now" but 5 years?!?!?! And he has been giving me this excuse for over a year. Not that I bring this up all the time and hound the heck out of him but its hard when the holidays come around and both of our families are asking us when we are getting married. I mean do you put a time limit on these things? And the fact that he isnt breaking down the door to marry me makes me question myself and our love and I just dont understand if its me, or something I do, or dont do and it makes me think "ok what about when he is ready, is the fact that it took him this long mean that he thinks he has to do this because he owes it to me or does he really want to, are we really in love??" I just dont know and I know the smart thing to do would be talk about it with him but I cant. He does not want to talk about this at all and if I ever bring it up he starts the conversation out fine but you can tell in his voice he is getting mad because he wants to avoid it and I want answers. I want to make this work and I would do anything I can for this man but when we talk about this he gives me no answers as to what I can do to make this happen. I feel stupid for getting upset over this but I obviously know in my heart that there is something wrong or it wouldnt bother me. And I dont have anyone to talk to about this. I dont like to let my mom in on my business because she is so judgemental and no one I know really has good advice or really cares for that matter. I just dont understand why life cant really have the fairytale ending that its supposed to (or so I thought). Is it wrong to expect marriage after 5 years? And when we talk about it he makes me out to be selfish for saying "its time to make a true comittment or move on" like I am just throwing this love away but if he cares so much, why does he still avoid getting married? His parents are still married and I will admit they dont have the perfect marriage, but could this have something to do with how he feels about it or is it ultimatly me? He tells me all the time that I am the woman he wants to marry and that the time will come but I am getting so impatient and I dont know if its justified or not. Any advice would help so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 5:00am

Snkemp02, it sounds like you have made some huge progress in your situation -- congratulations!


Good for you for taking that important step and talking to him about this issue. It's important to you and should be discussed. I love the way you handled it, it was just perfect! Telling him you wanted him to just listen, think about it and give you his response and feedback the following day is perfect, for exactly the reasons you said. I also love the fact that you've given yourself a deadline. That's a very important and healthy thing for you to do for yourself. It assures you are accountable to yourself and your happiness. It makes you matter to yourself, if that makes any sense.


Great going!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 12:55pm
Thanks for the kudos! It was really weird how everything kind of fell into place for me regarding this issue. I mean I was really scared about talking to him about it because of what he would say so thats really what sparked the just listening thing, because I wasnt afraid of what I wanted, just of what he was going to say. And also, a week after we had this talk I got a huge Christmas bonus and he got a huge paycheck from working OT so we opened a savings account so that he can decide how much of the savings he wants to spend on the ring (how to buy the ring has been a major issue ever since this got brought up a year ago so it really feels almost like destiny with the fat checks!) and not to mention 4 holidays in the next 5 months, my birthday being the last of those string of holidays. But seriously if he bypasses 4 holidays with money in the bank AFTER we have had this talk then he really is just not in to me. I can accept that, with tears of course, but all of these things have kind of fallen in to place so hopefully they are signs of something good :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 1:21am

Best of luck, Snkemp02! Be sure to let us know how it goes, okay?









~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 12:58pm
Sure thing! We actually went looking at rings yesterday while we were out finishing our Christmas shopping. Just keep your fingers crossed :) I probably wont be back to the board until next week so yall have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 10:17pm

That's all great and everything, but what about you not being able to talk to him? I mean you pushed it with this subject, do you plan to continue to make sure you matter too? The whole "I want to talk to him but I'm afraid to bring it up" is a way bad sign that this isn't the greatest of places for you to be. His known all along that this bothers you and puts it aside so easily without talking honestly about it is another.

I'm hoping if an engagement is coming that you won't marry until or unless your on equal ground.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 9:30am
I'm starting to doubt his motives anyways. I just knew I shouldnt have brought this issue up because everything feels confusing now. He didnt propose over the holidays, which is fine, but why, 5 days before Christmas, were we looking at rings? We briefly talked about it and he decided to be honest...."We are going to get married but I'm not ready right now, but I dont want you to think its never going to happen because it is. I didnt make all of these life changes so that one day I could wake up and decide I dont want to be with you." and I understand his point, you know that this is his life too and if he didnt want to be with me he wouldnt be with me, but I just dont understand why "he's still not ready" Do guys realize how much that hurts when they say that? Especially after 5 years? And why when we had a conversation about this a month ago, why didnt he tell me this? He just simply sat there and told me what I wanted to hear. I'm just so confused now. I feel like our future is not definite and it scares me. And when we were talking about it I was like "I just dont know what to do" and he was like "why do you have to do anything?" and I dont know what to make of that? Doesnt he understand the position I am in? And after 5 years of waiting on him hand and foot and feeding him with a silverspoon I would like to be recognized as his wife and not his "girlfriend" (which is just a nice word for live-in hooker) I'm just so confused. And I know its not supposed to happen like this and thats another thing that bothers me. But when I think about leaving, I just dont want to. I love him and I'm just so incredibly torn. I know I would be miserable without him and its not that I am miserable now but I just have these little moments to where if I let myself, I could cry and cry and cry because it just hurts so bad. Somebody give me a reality check please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 10:18am
Obviously he doesn't have any idea what he is putting you through, or if he does, it doesn't disturb him enough to make him stop. At this point, even if he said he wanted to marry you, it would seem as if he was just acquiescing. Since being his live-in girlfriend is one of the things that disturbs you (to the extent that you apply a very denigrating term to it), maybe you could help both of you sort out your feelings by becoming a live-OUT girlfriend. If he doesn't have all the comforts of home close at hand, maybe he'll give more thought to making the relationshp official.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 12:15pm
That's a very good idea. I havent thought of that one yet, but mostly because its kind of understood that if one of us were to move out that would be a down grade in relationship and ultimatly it would end. It is something to consider though. At least if we did it that way and we decided to break it off it would make it a little bit easier. I just know he wouldnt go for it. He would in turn tell me that if I leave its over, I know he would. Thanks for the suggestion though
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 1:14pm

Something that really bothers me is that he'd "we WILL get married". To me it's another example of the unevenness of your relationship and a statement about how he's above you. Like there's no question about it, that when he gets around to being ready you will absolutely still be hanging on, waiting. How can he know the two of you WILL get married? HE'S only half of it and YOU make your own decision. He makes the statement as if he's the one who makes the decisions, and you know what? I'll be he is! In response to the suggestion of moving out you say "he'd never go for it". Here again, it sounds like he's your dad, the authority figure, the one making all the decisions deciding what you will and will not do. He may not go for it, but YOU can do whatever you choose. And if he doesn't like it, he has options because the ball will be in his court; either get engaged and/or set a date or remain in separate residences, period. It doesn't have to be a "downgrade", it can be a statement about what you need to feel okay about yourself. If the relationship isn't one in which you are engaged and being engaged is what you want, then moving out and considering the possibility of moving on to find what you want is perfectly acceptable and appropriate, it's not a threat.


I understand that you're upset about him not being ready and that you feel like he'd be ready if he knew how much it affected you. To that, I say two things:
  • 1) He can't make himself be ready before he is and knowing you're ready won't change that - and it shouldn't. You can't *make* yourself want something before you do. The truth is you have no way to know whether he'll ever be ready, some never are. You could forever in the same place you're in right now. Yes, he said "someday", but he doesn't know when "someday" will be either. He took you ring shopping too, but you don't have a ring.
  • 2) He lives with you and he doesn't know how much this affects you? Yiiiikes. Can you see that this is a huge indicator of either a relationship with huge communication problems or a relationship where your feelings do not count. Since you've indicated previously that he's uncaring to your feelings I'm guessing it's another example of that. I hope you'll give that some real consideration. The fact that you've been together since you were a teen says you don't have any idea what a healthy adult relationship is supposed to be like, and frankly, I think you'd be surprised how much better, more equal and respectful they are.


    As far as ring shopping goes, my guess would be he did it to quiet you? If I understand correctly, the money put aside for it is from you so it's not like spending the money is going to be a drain on his finances. BTW, paying for your own ring? Can you take a step back and look at this situation (buying your ring, you don't count, etc.) from the perspective that it's someone else? What would you think if this were a friend's situation?






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown









    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-27-2004
    Tue, 12-27-2005 - 1:38pm
    Hon, I wasn't suggesting that you ask him if it's okay for you to have your own place. I was suggesting that if he is not ready to make a commitment to you, you might want to take your life back and do what you need to do for yourself. Of course he is going to object! He will no longer have sex on demand and free maid service. Left to his own devices, however, he may decide that he can't live without you--or you may discover that you can live without him perfectly well.