Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!
50
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 1:18pm
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we have lived together for 3 years and I am so confused. I thought when 2 people fall in love, the ultimate goal is to get married and spend the rest of your life with that person. Well things havent really gone that way for me and I dont understand why. He doesnt want to get married "right now" but 5 years?!?!?! And he has been giving me this excuse for over a year. Not that I bring this up all the time and hound the heck out of him but its hard when the holidays come around and both of our families are asking us when we are getting married. I mean do you put a time limit on these things? And the fact that he isnt breaking down the door to marry me makes me question myself and our love and I just dont understand if its me, or something I do, or dont do and it makes me think "ok what about when he is ready, is the fact that it took him this long mean that he thinks he has to do this because he owes it to me or does he really want to, are we really in love??" I just dont know and I know the smart thing to do would be talk about it with him but I cant. He does not want to talk about this at all and if I ever bring it up he starts the conversation out fine but you can tell in his voice he is getting mad because he wants to avoid it and I want answers. I want to make this work and I would do anything I can for this man but when we talk about this he gives me no answers as to what I can do to make this happen. I feel stupid for getting upset over this but I obviously know in my heart that there is something wrong or it wouldnt bother me. And I dont have anyone to talk to about this. I dont like to let my mom in on my business because she is so judgemental and no one I know really has good advice or really cares for that matter. I just dont understand why life cant really have the fairytale ending that its supposed to (or so I thought). Is it wrong to expect marriage after 5 years? And when we talk about it he makes me out to be selfish for saying "its time to make a true comittment or move on" like I am just throwing this love away but if he cares so much, why does he still avoid getting married? His parents are still married and I will admit they dont have the perfect marriage, but could this have something to do with how he feels about it or is it ultimatly me? He tells me all the time that I am the woman he wants to marry and that the time will come but I am getting so impatient and I dont know if its justified or not. Any advice would help so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 4:12pm
I know you are both right and what it really comes down to is me making a desicion and sticking with it. I had set my deadline as April, should I wait until then to leave or just leave now? I just wish it didnt have to be this way you know? But I know what I have to do, for myself and my future, I just know its going to be a long hard road. Thanks for the reality check, again! I'm probably going to need many more as the emotions start to confuse my reality. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 4:55pm

I take it then that you agree with what's been assumed about your relationship? Does your boyfriend call the shots, make the rules and do you pretty much wait for his permission before you act? Do you feel that he doesn't take you seriously and/or doesn't consider your wants and needs -- at least that his come first?


Having a more certain picture of your relationship and knowing how you feel about it (your place in it) would help in suggesting where you go from here.....I have some thoughts, but until I know what your relationship's like for sure and where you stand on it (what you really want -- for your life I mean, not than marriage) I won't know it's appropriate for you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 5:43pm

Whether you leave in April or sooner isn't so much the issue, the fact is April is just around the corner.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 5:44pm
Oh yeah thats definitly how it goes. And I dont even know how it got that way. I mean I find myself saying "Is that ok?" to almost everything. So yeah bring on the advice and suggestions and any other comments you want to throw in cuz I'm going to need them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 9:20am
Well I do have some savings and yes I have thought about where I am going to live. I thought about waiting until the spring to move so I can save some more money and more apartments will be available at the end of this school year but I could easily move now thats why I am still in debate about when.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 6:32pm
I think you should stick to your April timeline. Figure out where you can live, save some money for incidentals, etc. If he hasn't delivered a solid proposal plus an actual marriage date (or you will find yourself engaged for umpteen years) then move on. If it gets to be too unbearable to stay until April, there is always the storage/camping out at friends or family until you find a new place option. The thing is, he isn't taking action, so you have to. It's time to stop coasting on his vague promises, and take back responsibility for your life and happiness.
Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:23am

Snkemp,


You have received some great advice and I don't really have anything of value to add. Just an observation really.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 5:40pm
I have chosen not to wait on the matter. I wrote him a letter and plan to give it to him tonight. I have butterflies in my stomach but I dont know why. I know what he is going to say and I know what is going to happen. I guess I just really wasnt worrying about leaving because last week my plan was to wait until April but it is clear that nothing is going to change between now and then and I'm really ready to move on. If I prolong it I'll just end up talking myself out of it or even worse, wait another year. Not to mention we were planning on going on a trip at the end of Jan. so I'm sure he would notice when no hotel was booked, especially since I was supposed to have it booked by tomorrow. So I'm just going to come clean tonight and start making arragments to leave. So we'll see what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 12:50am

Snkemp02 ~ I am so sorry to be so involved in your post, ask final questions and then drop off the face of the earth. I had some unexpected family issues that needed immediate and complete attention.


What I was going to tell you was that I thought moving out on your own was a very important thing for you to do - sooner rather than later. You need to have the experience of life on your own, it's an important thing to have, even if you wind up getting married and living with someone else for the rest of your life. Knowing that you can stand on your own two feet, having made all your own decisions and been completely responsible for everything that happens in your life is incredibly important to you. It's also very important to your self esteem, your independence and your self worth. Independence is something you need to have whether you're married or single. A relationship, marriage or not, is a part of your life, but you are your life. Does that make sense? Without the experience and the time on your own you'll not know what you're capable of, you'll lack a sense of sureness in yourself and you'll almost certainly always be less than an equal partner as a result. Knowing you can handle things on your own is empowering, it's also good for your relationship because it keeps you on more equal standing. I'm not sure what I've said doesn't sound negative, suspicious and anti-man, please let me know your take on what I've said, if it sounds negative I need to find better words, because that's not at all how I meant it.


Another aspect that indicates the importance of living on your own is that you've gone from your parents home to living with your boyfriend. Speaking in general, typical terms, it's very common for girls who do this to wind up in relationships where their boyfriend basically takes over where their father left off, telling them what to do, how to do it and giving "permission" for what they do. These girls generally don't recognize the danger, the inappropriateness and the unhealthy relationship that's being created because the relationship they had with their father is the biggest relationship with a male they've had -- they don't recognize that a boyfriend/fiance/husband's role should not at all be like a father. They pass from father to boyfriend without much change in being dominated by a male. When you've spent some time on your own, calling your own shots, you're no longer willing to accept a boyfriend/husband who tells you what to do or expects to give you permission. Having some time to stand on your own is important, and I think the sooner you start the better. Just be sure when you do you make your own decisions and that you aren't simply living in another place, having your boyfriend still tell you what to do, still directing your finances, your situations, your life.


From your last post, it sounds like the letter you were writing to your boyfriend basically was telling him you were moving out, is that right? How did it go? I think it's smart to know yourself well enough to know that staying will only have you finding an excuse to stay. Recognizing that is smart and in touch, acting to do the right thing and avoid it is a very healthy choice to make. Scary moves, I know, but you're sounding great. Let us know how you are, okay?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 9:47am
Thanks for the post. Your advice about living on my own came across the right way and I do understand the importance of it but after a long weekend, the emotions have me more confused than ever. I did give him the letter and I'm doing ok but his reaction to the letter just has me even more confused. In the letter I basically just said that since he's not ready after 5 years I think its time we move on and his response was that he is ready and doesnt want me to leave?! I really dont know what to make of this since on Christmas Eve when we had that talk/arguement he said he wasnt ready. He said that when I get upset about it, it makes him feel pressured and it makes him feel like I'm making him do it so thats why he told me that on Christmas Eve, so he says. Even if he does propose so that I dont leave, is that ok? I mean I know he really loves me if he is hell bent on not losing me but at the same time what if he is just saying he's ready because he doesnt want to lose me? Which I think might be the case but the only thing is I know the issue will still surface later down the road, whether its at the alter or in ten years when he decides he doesnt like where his life has taken him, you know what I mean? Or is it possible for him to become ready after thinking about living without me? Has that made him realize that he is ready?? I told him I wanted us to go to couples counseling so he could talk to someone about his issues and so that we could better understand how each other feels about all of this and he is refusing to do so. His response is..."Why do we have to go to counseling? Why cant we just get married? You said you wanted to get married so thats what we'll do" And he is right. I have never mentioned counseling before this moment and he said just when he feels like he's ready to compromise on one thing, I go and pop something else up for us to worry about. He did say he would like the benefits of counseling but he said he doesnt know how comfortable he would feel opening up to stranger and not to mention the money and the time to find to actually go together would be very difficult (and I knew this before I even brought it up. I cant even think of an open slot during the week where we could fit it in. It would have to be during work hours or he would have to miss school or something so I knew this was a long shot). He said he is open to other suggestions so if anyone has a good idea let me know. I guess I didnt expect him to say "ok well I'm ready" so now I dont know what to do. He hasnt proposed so nothing is written in stone but what if he does? I'm just supposed to leave anyways with him down on one knee after I told him thats what I wanted him to do? Am I making sense about the dillema I am in now? Since he changed his tune, I changed my deadline to March and we agreed on this together. And not March 30th, but March 1st. March just seemed like enough time for him to get himself figured out and enough time for me to figure all of this out. Afterall, this letter was the first serious statement I gave him about me leaving. I have implied it before but the letter was the first promise that I was going to do so. I still have my doubts about him actually doing it, especially since he has had the opp. for a while now so maybe I'm just freaking out about nothing. Maybe he wont do it and I'll just leave and that will be that but if not it just seems like we will be dealing with these issues for forever and it doesnt seem like a good idea to marry someone on these terms. But like I said how am I supposed to deal with this?