Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!
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Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!
| Mon, 11-28-2005 - 1:18pm |
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we have lived together for 3 years and I am so confused. I thought when 2 people fall in love, the ultimate goal is to get married and spend the rest of your life with that person. Well things havent really gone that way for me and I dont understand why. He doesnt want to get married "right now" but 5 years?!?!?! And he has been giving me this excuse for over a year. Not that I bring this up all the time and hound the heck out of him but its hard when the holidays come around and both of our families are asking us when we are getting married. I mean do you put a time limit on these things? And the fact that he isnt breaking down the door to marry me makes me question myself and our love and I just dont understand if its me, or something I do, or dont do and it makes me think "ok what about when he is ready, is the fact that it took him this long mean that he thinks he has to do this because he owes it to me or does he really want to, are we really in love??" I just dont know and I know the smart thing to do would be talk about it with him but I cant. He does not want to talk about this at all and if I ever bring it up he starts the conversation out fine but you can tell in his voice he is getting mad because he wants to avoid it and I want answers. I want to make this work and I would do anything I can for this man but when we talk about this he gives me no answers as to what I can do to make this happen. I feel stupid for getting upset over this but I obviously know in my heart that there is something wrong or it wouldnt bother me. And I dont have anyone to talk to about this. I dont like to let my mom in on my business because she is so judgemental and no one I know really has good advice or really cares for that matter. I just dont understand why life cant really have the fairytale ending that its supposed to (or so I thought). Is it wrong to expect marriage after 5 years? And when we talk about it he makes me out to be selfish for saying "its time to make a true comittment or move on" like I am just throwing this love away but if he cares so much, why does he still avoid getting married? His parents are still married and I will admit they dont have the perfect marriage, but could this have something to do with how he feels about it or is it ultimatly me? He tells me all the time that I am the woman he wants to marry and that the time will come but I am getting so impatient and I dont know if its justified or not. Any advice would help so much.

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I take it then that you agree with what's been assumed about your relationship? Does your boyfriend call the shots, make the rules and do you pretty much wait for his permission before you act? Do you feel that he doesn't take you seriously and/or doesn't consider your wants and needs -- at least that his come first?
Having a more certain picture of your relationship and knowing how you feel about it (your place in it) would help in suggesting where you go from here.....I have some thoughts, but until I know what your relationship's like for sure and where you stand on it (what you really want -- for your life I mean, not than marriage) I won't know it's appropriate for you.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Whether you leave in April or sooner isn't so much the issue, the fact is April is just around the corner.
Good luck to you.
Snkemp,
You have received some great advice and I don't really have anything of value to add. Just an observation really.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Snkemp02 ~ I am so sorry to be so involved in your post, ask final questions and then drop off the face of the earth. I had some unexpected family issues that needed immediate and complete attention.
What I was going to tell you was that I thought moving out on your own was a very important thing for you to do - sooner rather than later. You need to have the experience of life on your own, it's an important thing to have, even if you wind up getting married and living with someone else for the rest of your life. Knowing that you can stand on your own two feet, having made all your own decisions and been completely responsible for everything that happens in your life is incredibly important to you. It's also very important to your self esteem, your independence and your self worth. Independence is something you need to have whether you're married or single. A relationship, marriage or not, is a part of your life, but you are your life. Does that make sense? Without the experience and the time on your own you'll not know what you're capable of, you'll lack a sense of sureness in yourself and you'll almost certainly always be less than an equal partner as a result. Knowing you can handle things on your own is empowering, it's also good for your relationship because it keeps you on more equal standing. I'm not sure what I've said doesn't sound negative, suspicious and anti-man, please let me know your take on what I've said, if it sounds negative I need to find better words, because that's not at all how I meant it.
Another aspect that indicates the importance of living on your own is that you've gone from your parents home to living with your boyfriend. Speaking in general, typical terms, it's very common for girls who do this to wind up in relationships where their boyfriend basically takes over where their father left off, telling them what to do, how to do it and giving "permission" for what they do. These girls generally don't recognize the danger, the inappropriateness and the unhealthy relationship that's being created because the relationship they had with their father is the biggest relationship with a male they've had -- they don't recognize that a boyfriend/fiance/husband's role should not at all be like a father. They pass from father to boyfriend without much change in being dominated by a male. When you've spent some time on your own, calling your own shots, you're no longer willing to accept a boyfriend/husband who tells you what to do or expects to give you permission. Having some time to stand on your own is important, and I think the sooner you start the better. Just be sure when you do you make your own decisions and that you aren't simply living in another place, having your boyfriend still tell you what to do, still directing your finances, your situations, your life.
From your last post, it sounds like the letter you were writing to your boyfriend basically was telling him you were moving out, is that right? How did it go? I think it's smart to know yourself well enough to know that staying will only have you finding an excuse to stay. Recognizing that is smart and in touch, acting to do the right thing and avoid it is a very healthy choice to make. Scary moves, I know, but you're sounding great. Let us know how you are, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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