Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Relationship Time Limit??? HELP!
50
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 1:18pm
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we have lived together for 3 years and I am so confused. I thought when 2 people fall in love, the ultimate goal is to get married and spend the rest of your life with that person. Well things havent really gone that way for me and I dont understand why. He doesnt want to get married "right now" but 5 years?!?!?! And he has been giving me this excuse for over a year. Not that I bring this up all the time and hound the heck out of him but its hard when the holidays come around and both of our families are asking us when we are getting married. I mean do you put a time limit on these things? And the fact that he isnt breaking down the door to marry me makes me question myself and our love and I just dont understand if its me, or something I do, or dont do and it makes me think "ok what about when he is ready, is the fact that it took him this long mean that he thinks he has to do this because he owes it to me or does he really want to, are we really in love??" I just dont know and I know the smart thing to do would be talk about it with him but I cant. He does not want to talk about this at all and if I ever bring it up he starts the conversation out fine but you can tell in his voice he is getting mad because he wants to avoid it and I want answers. I want to make this work and I would do anything I can for this man but when we talk about this he gives me no answers as to what I can do to make this happen. I feel stupid for getting upset over this but I obviously know in my heart that there is something wrong or it wouldnt bother me. And I dont have anyone to talk to about this. I dont like to let my mom in on my business because she is so judgemental and no one I know really has good advice or really cares for that matter. I just dont understand why life cant really have the fairytale ending that its supposed to (or so I thought). Is it wrong to expect marriage after 5 years? And when we talk about it he makes me out to be selfish for saying "its time to make a true comittment or move on" like I am just throwing this love away but if he cares so much, why does he still avoid getting married? His parents are still married and I will admit they dont have the perfect marriage, but could this have something to do with how he feels about it or is it ultimatly me? He tells me all the time that I am the woman he wants to marry and that the time will come but I am getting so impatient and I dont know if its justified or not. Any advice would help so much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 12:54pm

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~~What if it has nothing to do with you and is all about him? What if he saw you standing up for yourself and decided he didn't want to lose the maid and sex partner and said what he said to keep you there? What if he gives you a ring? And then you guys set a date a year or two away? And what if a year from now it gets pushed off for some reason? How long is a ring going to keep you there? And honestly, WHY is marrying this guy a good idea now? If you really have realized he's calling the all the shots and you can't DO anything without his approval, why marry him? Because it will be worse once he thinks you CAN'T leave again.

My suggestion, move out anyway. You can still get engaged if he proposes and it's what you want. Just move out and live a bit on your own to see how life is.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:12pm

Snkemp02,


You asked the question "how am I supposed to deal with this?"


My response would be to deal with it based on what you know....and here is what you know for sure:


Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 12:02am

Snkemp02, reread Dirextor and Jen's posts, they both contain a lot of wisdom that's important to take in.


As I read your post I copied the statements I felt were important. Here's what I pulled out:
"He said that when I get upset about it, it makes him feel pressured and it makes him feel like I'm making him do it so thats why he told me that on Christmas Eve, so he says.""what if he is just saying he's ready because he doesnt want to lose me? "
"Or is it possible for him to become ready after thinking about living without me?"
and then you say,
"I have never mentioned counseling before this moment and he said just when he feels like he's ready to compromise on one thing, I go and pop something else up for us to worry about."


Based on all the statements above I'd say there's no question that he is NOT ready and that he is merely pacifying you. I mean when he makes the statement that he's compromising, clearly he's not doing what he chooses to do. And the truth is that he's not done anything at all really but found a new way to keep you on the string. He's still not proposed, you still don't know anything. All that's different is that instead of getting upset when you mention it, making you afraid to bring it up, he's saying he'll get there, it'll happen, etc. The truth is, you're in no different place than you were before, just different words to the same dance.

What if he marries you because you're pushing and not because he wants to? What if he resents that down the road? You've indicated before that you don't want to get married under those kinds of circumstances, but the truth is he's making it very clear he's not ready and you continue to push him to be ready. Here's one aspect....you can't *make* him be ready until he is. He can't set a time that he'll be ready if he's not, you know that, it comes when it comes, if if comes. It's not fair for you to push him to do something he's not ready to do. Likewise it's not fair for you to stay in a relationship that isn't giving you what you want. You have no reason to expect him to be ready by March, April or in five more years. You can decide whether you're happy with this relationship as it is today and stay or that you're not and go, but pushing him isn't fair, isn't right and won't work. Your relationship as it is isn't right for either of you, neither are happy. You want more, he doesn't. A reasonable and valid option is to end the relationship giving you both the chance to find what you deserve -- a relationship that fits what you want and need. For him, a woman who doesn't want marriage, for you, a man who does.


You said, "Afterall, this letter was the first serious statement I gave him about me leaving. I have implied it before but the letter was the first promise that I was going to do so." You know what it sounds like you're doing? You're threatening him then immediately pulling away from what you said you were going to do, like a mom who says to a child "stop it right now or you'll get punished... I mean it....I mean it....I mean it." The mom is handing out an empty threat that she has no intention of taking action on and the kid knows it. When you draw a line in the sand and take your stand you don't do it thinking, "maybe I should give him another chance because he might not think I'm serious" I'm here to tell you if you don't stand by what you say he'll know you're not serious and your credibility will be down the drain. Giving *another chance* says "I'm not serious, I won't really do it".

Then you say, "...so maybe I'm just freaking out about nothing." It sounds like you're saying if he just makes good on what he's indicated he'll do everything will be wonderful. I don't think that's true at all. You'll have a guy who really doesn't want to get married (and like Jen said, even if he proposes, who says he'll be ready to marry in the next five, ten years -- or forever for that matter? He's made it clear that's not where he is!), you'll still have a relationship where he controls what you say and do, a relationship where you're afraid to speak your mind, where he controls what's said largely by making it unpleasant to bring up topics he doesn't want to discuss. And you'll still have a life that's never had you out on your own, experiencing your real life, not relying on anyone. IMO you're going about this all wrong and you're going in because you want marriage, not because the guy or the circumstances are right. Big old red flags and I guarantee you'll regret it down the road.

I know it's hard and scary to think about this any way other than the way you are. But please take a look at what you're doing. You've been pushing your boyfriend who's made it clear he doesn't want to get married. Two weeks ago you were planning to buy your own engagement ring and you were thrilled about that. Is that what you really want? To look back at a relationship that had you buying your own ring to be engaged to a guy who didn't want to be engaged? That's what it comes down to. I'm thinking you're worth wanting to be asked to marry by a guy who genuinely wants to marry you. I'm thinking you're worth a guy wanting to buy you a ring himself. There's not much *glory* in having bought your own ring, it's really pretty demeaning, don't you think? Take some time, think about what you want, your terms and don't settle for less. If he isn't prepared to give it to you, he's not the one. Don't twist what you want to fit what you can force him to do. Expect and demand exactly what you want. Settle for nothing less than exactly what you want. You're worth it. There's a saying, "When you settle for less, you end up settling for less than you expected". When you set your sights low (and you are) you'll end up getting something even lower than you'd planned.


I don't understand why you think moving out on your own his to mean ending your relationship, can you explain? I say it's possible to do both. Move out and remain in the relationship. Learn about yourself, about who you are on your own, what you're capable of, etc. and continue your relationship. You can see each other, go out, etc. you just don't live in the same place. Why is that not possible? By moving out and taking charge of your own life you'll force each of you to look at your relationship differently. Maybe you'll both realize that being married is what you want as a result and maybe you'll realize that this relationship isn't the right one for you. Either way, it's a good thing. Moving out doesn't mean ending and doesn't mean no engagement, it just means living in separate places.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 1:08pm
I'm not pushing him. I am aware that he is not ready, he told me this and no matter what he says I know he's not ready and yes I know I will regret this down the road thats why I dont want to marry him under these circumstances. I know what needs to be done I'm just having issues actually doing it. I guess a part of me is afraid I'll regret it later down the road. As as far as your questions about continuing the relationship, I really do want to continue the relationship when I move out but I know it will create problems and ultimatly it will end. His motto about relationships is why have a girlfriend if she is never going to be around. Not that he lives with every girlfriend he has but if he is going to commit himself to someone he wants to be able to spend alot of time with them and when I move out our schedules will conflict so much that I know he'll just find someone else along his path to spend his time with. I'm not saying its impossible on my end but I know him well enough to know how he will react and adapt to the changes. I'm ok with it ending, I know it will be hard but I really do think living on my own is something that I need to do. The more I think about him actually proposing but not being ready scares the crap out of me. I think he knows and feels alot of the same things I do, but both of us are afraid to do anything about it. We are just stuck in this level of comfort. I'm not saying I'm not going to do whats right but thats why this is so hard for me. And I know its easy for everyone on this board to see the obvious but to explain these things to a man is not so easy. I'm sure we can all agree on that. I'm glad yall are here to set me straight when the emotions start to confuse the reality but like I said, I'm just having a hard time finding the right time and the right way to do this. I dont want to hurt him and I want him to understand. I just need to get my ducks in a row and talk to him about everything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 1:57pm

Snkemp,

None of us think you should do something you aren't ready to do. Take your time and do things the way you think they should be done. We can give you advice and tell you how we see things but what it gets down to is, this is YOUR life and you have to live it in the way that will be right for you.

Please keep us updated and good luck in figuring things out.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 3:58pm
I know, its just that there are so many reasons why I should leave and really only one good one why I should stay. I know this is my desicion but thats what is so hard. I want to do the right thing and thats never easy. And my mom is telling me the same thing, "Just take some time to figure out what you want" but thats the thing...if I give myself anymore time I'm going to talk myself into staying and things will just stay the same and in 6 months I'll go through this all over again and do we ever know what we really want? It seems like most of the time we just want what we cant have. I dont want to do anything irrational but is there ever a rational time to do this? Honestly? How do you know when its time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 4:45pm

His motto about relationships is why have a girlfriend if she is never going to be around.


This is more manipulation. It is a way of controlling you.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 6:19pm

The only rational time to do it is when you are thinking calmly and clearly and not when you are angry and upset. And if you worry that you will talk yourself into it, start making lists. Write down what you don't like, what you do like, etc. Honestly, I can't tell you when enough is enough and it's time to walk away because I haven't hit that spot yet. I don't think you will ever reach a point while you are in the relationship where it will be "easy" to walk away because you don't care. At least, not without a lot of other crap happening first.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 4:03am

OK, maybe you're not actively pushing now, but in making your wants/needs clear to him you're certainly finding yourself quite anxious about what it will mean *if* he proposes and how you'll deal with that. Truthfully, Snkemp, if the relationship's right there is no anxiety and drama/trauma. There should be no doubt in your mind that this is right, that he's marrying you because he loves you and he wants to. What you have is doubt. Doubt about him, doubt about your relationship, doubt about your security in the relationship. And honestly, how could you feel secure? Do you hear yourself? "His motto about relationships is why have a girlfriend if she is never going to be around. Not that he lives with every girlfriend he has but if he is going to commit himself to someone he wants to be able to spend irreplaceable of time with them and when I move out our schedules will conflict so much that I know he'll just find someone else along his path to spend his time with."Snkemp -- this is incredibly important -- what you're saying is that he's not with you because he loves you, he's with you out of convenience, and if you're not convenient, he'll have no problem moving on to someone else. Please hear this loud and clear: this does not indicate love or commitment it does indicate lack of true feeling and convenience. Snkemp, you should be irreplaceable. You should be worth waiting for, it should be worth taking time, energy and effort to see you and if you're not, then you're not with the right guy. I am dead serious. Why would you waste your time with a guy who makes it known that if you're not convenient you're not worth the bother? The man who's worth your time would truly love you, care about your wants and needs and would support and applaud you doing what you need to do for yourself (moving out) whether he wanted it to happen or not. I am not talking fairy tale stuff, fairy tales don't exist and I do not play in make believe. What I've said is what happens in normal, everyday relationships. It is not unusual or exaggerated.


You said you need your ducks in a row, for what? You don't need his permission to go, you don't need to *make* him understand - and if you're waiting for that you may be waiting for the rest of your life. He doesn't want to understand! What you do is say, "Whether you understand or not I need to be out on my own. It doesn't mean our relationship is ending, it just means we won't be living together.", and go.


I know this isn't easy, I know it's a billion times easier for us to suggest what you should do than it is to actually be in the middle of your emotion and act on it. While it may seem like we (I) lose track of that, I don't. Like Jen said nobody's telling you to leave now. You decide what you do with your life. We're telling you how relationships should be, pointing out some very important things in your relationship and urging you to stand up for yourself and your life and for heaven's sake, asking that you not settle for something that's so much less than it should be. You have no idea what a healthy, respectful, caring relationship is like and the difference will astound you. You shouldn't settle for scraps, you should hold out for it all. Jen's suggestion of making a list is a good one. With written reminders you'll remind yourself of why you're doing this and won't be so likely to back out. But you know yourself best, if pushing yourself to do this by a deadline is what is best for you, do what's best. We want to see you get the life and happiness you deserve, that's all.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 6:02am

One more important thing, if you can stand it: You said, "And I know its easy for everyone on this board to see the obvious but to explain these things to a man is not so easy. I'm sure we can all agree on that." Snkemp, you need to know how wrong you are, and the fact that this relationship has left you believing this is how guys are is another huge indicator that you have no idea how good, appropriate, healthy relationships really are. Explaining how you feel, what you want or need is not something that's difficult to explain to a man, it's just not so. If the man is not receptive, not caring, not someone who takes a woman as being an equal, then yes, he's not going to listen and he's not going to want to "get it". But frankly, I wouldn't spend two seconds with a guy like that. They're a waste of time, especially when 90% of the men out there are NOT that type. Sweetie, a good relationship is easy. You're heard and listened to, you're respected and cared about -- and it shows. It feels like a partnership, it feels easy and relaxed. In bad relationships you struggle. You can't get your point across, you don't have understanding, sharing or equality. You don't feel respected. In bad relationships you worry, obsess and struggle. In bad relationships the problems you have are the same, over and over because they're never resolved. In good relationships your problems are discussed, compromised on and resolved and your relationship moves forward without it. Why would you want to stay and struggle, knowing the fact you are says it's not a good or healthy relationship when a good relationship would be easy and no struggle? Why would you choose to stay and struggle to keep a bad one alive when a good one would be easy, happy and rewarding?


Just something to think about.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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