Reliability Issues - How Can We Resolve?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2005
Reliability Issues - How Can We Resolve?
21
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 1:05pm

My boyfriend and I have been together over six months, a record for both of us. I love him very much and he is a wonderful, good man. We rarely fight, except for one topic that we cannot seem to resolve. You see, one of his best characteristics is that he is always there for anyone in need, especially his four sisters, to whom he is very close. Because he is the only boy in his family, they and their parents rely on him for things like cutting lawns, moving furniture, etc., and he always very cheerfully obliges. But lately I have found myself less eager to ask him for things myself because to me he often says no. The last time we discussed this, he admitted that one of his favorite parts of our relationship is that he has choices and I respect his preferences, instead of demanding his cooperation like his family does.

Indeed, I try very hard to create an atmosphere in which he can truly be himself, and while I appreciate and am flattered by thisconfession, I still find it frustrating that when I ask him for his company to certain events or even when I want sex and he doesn't, he denies me. I'm finding it more and more difficult to trust him and I am almost afraid to ask for what I want because I cannot rely on him. I am an only child and have always dreamed of a reliable companion for my life: should I continue trying to make him understand what I need, or am I demanding too much? Is this problem a deal-breaker in our relationship, or should I keep trying? Again, I am very much in love with him and i want to work it out, but I'm not sure if this is even possible.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 2:20pm

If he is refusing to go with you to a couples event that is important to you, what is his reason? If he's made a committment to help his parents that evening, that is one thing, if he would rather hang around the house and feels your event is completely unimportant, that is another.

The sex issue is a gray area. He shouldn't always give in when you make a demand, but there should be compromise. If you feel you are 'turned down' a lot, it's only going to become a bigger problem down the road.

I get the sense that he just doesn't value you, and the things that are important to you are not important to him. You can't make him see this if he doesn't want to, because the problem is he doesn't care. Love isn't all you need. He should be willing to compromise with you on some things and still 'be himself.' It sounds to me like he's so worn down by the demands of his family, that he just doesn't have much left to give you. He could be a great, wonderful person but still not be the right person for you.

>>>I am an only child and have always dreamed of a reliable companion for my life<<<

Don't give up on your dream, it's a good one. You won't regret holding out and finding someone that you can count on who *wants* to be there for you when you need him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 2:51pm

I think I know the answers, but I have a few questions I'd like clarification on.

  • The way you explain your problem, it sounds like he never says no to his family, no matter what they ask, how inconvenient it is or how much he doesn't want to do it, but with you he has no problem refusing, making you feel like you're at the bottom of his priority list, is that right? If he's doing everything they ask regardless of what he wants he's allowing them to monopolize his life, allowing them to take advantage of him, he's the only one who can stop this from happening, it will continue until he learns to say "no" to them. If he never does it means you'll always be at the bottom and you'll be with someone who allows his family to control his life.
  • You specifically mention events that you ask him to attend with you and sex, are these important events that are important for him to attend with you, or just things you'd like him to do with you? IMO, when you're with someone there are some events that you're required to attend, like family functions, but for the most part, beyond that if he doesn't want to go he's within his rights to say no. My husband is good at telling me that no, he really doesn't want to go when I ask him, but he always encourages me to go ahead and go on my own. And at the six month mark of a relationship, I'm not really sure your level of commitment makes attending family functions a requirement. Maybe explaining some of the typical events you ask him to accompany you to would help in underststanding. As far as sex goes, he should say no if he doesn't want it, having sex should be something both partners desire, sex with a partner who doesn't really want to be doing it wouldn't be very rewarding.
  • Have you been accused of being too demanding or needy in previous relationship?
  • How old are each of you?

    Thnaks in advance for your answers to the questions, I appreciate it. By the way, your response to Sarahuwg was great, very wise words.




  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown














    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-19-2004
    Sun, 05-29-2005 - 4:08pm

    >>>As far as sex goes, he should say no if he doesn't want it, having sex should be something both partners desire, sex with a partner who doesn't really want to be doing it wouldn't be very rewarding.<<<

    I agree with this in theory. Before I married my now ex-h, we agreed that neither of us would ever feel pressured into having sex. It was a good concept. Unfortunately, the reason we came to this agreement was because I always wanted it and he didn't. After 2 years of living together and another 9 years of being married, I had enough. I can't tell you the number of times I was turned down and refused. It wasn't that I ever wanted to force him to have sex when he did want it, it's that I had needs he was unwilling to meet and after enough time, I couldn't take it anymore. I agree it would be helpful if the OP gave some more information on her situation, to know if the problem is that they are incompatible in this area, if she's too demanding, if he's unwilling to compromise, or if it's something else.

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    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-29-2005
    Sun, 05-29-2005 - 5:07pm

    Thank you so much for responding so quickly, and especially for letting me clarify. We are both 22 and both still in school, though he has his own house a job.

    It is true that he says no to his family, particularly when he and I have existing plans. But if he can fit it in, he takes me along to a sister's house to take out her trash or some such chore, or he'll postpone a non-time-sensetive event like dinner with me in order to do something for them. And yes, it does make me feel like I come second, like I get the time and energy left over after he's done with work (he has a very phyiscally demanding job), school, and looking after his own house and those of his sisters. When it comes to sex, I find it distressing that he pours so much energy into all his obligations that when we're finally together for dinner or something he's too tired to fool around.

    I understand that he should have the option not to attend a event he doesn't want to go to, but it often leaves me hanging. For example, as I am finally "attached" after years of singledom, my married, engaged, and otherwise coupled friends are asking me to go on double or triple dates with them, and my family sends along extra tickets and seats to family events so I can bring him along. When he says no, I have to tell the people in my life that he's not interested and then I have to show up alone to an all-couple event. Or another example: while I cheerfully plan afternoons doing his favorite activities, like going garage saling, he refuses to do things I like, such as going to the bar or to church when I ask. And again, when it comes to sex, I have to wait until he's in the mood - it's not enough that the woman he loves wants him right now. But when he's excited and I feel ambivalent, I always participate fully because it makes him happy, and because I always desire him.

    Since this is my first serious relationship, I am very concerned with being too needy and worried that I am expecting too much too soon. Still, we have been very serious since the beginning, jumping in to a "relationship" with very little dating. Maybe I just miss the sense of excitement and antipication that comes with dating; but nor do I want to set up patterns for the future, or get used to accepting less than I deserve for the rest of my life, should this relationship make it that far. I want him to be as excited to be with me as I am to be with him, and as excited as he was those first few times we ever went out.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-29-2005
    Sun, 05-29-2005 - 5:23pm
    I think, too, that I'm being more harsh than is fair: he has made many compromises on a lot of subjects, such as going out to do things (like the zoo, a museum, and taking ballroom dancing classes) instead of sitting quietly at home with a video night after night. He has also started putting his cell phone on silent when we're out somewhere and calling them back after we're finished eating, or whatever. And he is more and more willing to try new things that I enjoy, like exotic resaurants, when I suggest them. The theory is that we will enjoy each other's company, no matter what we're doing, but if he has tried and it and knows he doesn't like something, he won't go back with me, no matter how much I did enjoy it. I'm just hoping for an equitable compromise here that doesn't leave me hanging socially (or sexually, for that matter).
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sun, 05-29-2005 - 8:31pm

    I may be missing something here, but honestly, from what you've said I don't see a lot that seems inappropriate. As far as him canceling plans with you, that's wrong no matter how non-time sensitive they are, unless you have a standing agreement to get together unless anything at all comes up. Assuming that's not the case, you're well within your rights to tell him that once plans have been made, you expect them to be kept. Just as you wouldn't expect him to cancel plans he'd made with his family when you suggest doing something with you after he's made the agreement, he shouldn't cancel plans he'd made with you for something else. It does make you feel like you're at the bottom of the priority list, in fact, it shows that you are! As far as you going with him to take out garbage for his sister, etc., that's your choice to do and quite frankly, if I were you, I'd say "no thanks" to those kinds of things, and any other that I didn't really want to do. I understand that you'd like him to go to events and double dates with you, but if he doesn't want to, he's perfectly in his rights to say no. Attending family events by yourself shouldn't be an embarrassment, he's an individual, not an appendage, you know? He has choices, likes and dislikes and it shouldn't be a problem for you to just say he chose not to attend. I'd also think your family would want to extend an invitation before purchasing and sending tickets for someone when they don't know if he can or wants to attend events.

    I know it's not what you want to hear, but in the area of time for you and doing things you'd like to do, it sounds like for the most part you just aren't well suited for each other. You want to go out with friends, attend events and family functions and he doesn't want to do those things. It's hard to have a good relationship with someone when what you want to do isn't at all what appeals to your bf/gf. I think the indication here is that this isn't the right guy for you.

    As far as sex goes, I have to tell you, a 22-year old being too tired for sex is a seldom seen creature. The typical young male will always find enough energy for sex and if they can't, they'll cut something else out of their lives to make sure they have the energy. I'm wondering if his "problem" isn't that he's too tired, but that his libido is lower than yours and he just plain isn't that interested in sex. How often does he actually want sex? It may seem like a prying question, but it's important. Also, you didn't indicate whether previous boyfriends have accused you of being too demanding, that still could be important. Have they?






    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown










    Edited 5/29/2005 8:33 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sun, 05-29-2005 - 8:40pm

    Good point, Firstamendment. You're absolutely right. I hate assuming and there I was doing just that. For some reason it never even occurred to me that the desire for sex could be quite lopsided, but you're right, and to make that assumption without knowing more could easily send the message that she's wrong to want more no matter how infrequently he wants it. that's a message nobody needs to get! Thanks for that important reminder.

    (And from the way the Ejgryphon responded, it sounds like you could have nailed it right on the head.)




    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown










    Edited 5/29/2005 8:41 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Sun, 05-29-2005 - 9:29pm

    Okay, I'm totally confused. In your post here you said your boyfriend doesn't want sex when you ask for it, but in a response to Paguy (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=8833.19) you said you're a virgin.????





    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown














    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-29-2005
    Sun, 05-29-2005 - 9:41pm

    I think that what you're saying here is that it's I who need to change my expectations, not him who needs to change what he provides. Is that the compromise you're suggesting?

    If so, I suppose that's what I've been needing to hear. It's difficult to let go of the romantic fantasies of being swept off my feet with wine and roses and earth-shaking lovemaking every night - this is real life, after all, not a movie. And like I said, I think in my frustration I have misrepresented how much he really does do and how far he's willing to bend.

    So should I then plan for a date once a week instead of every night? Should I make myself feel comfortable telling him I don't want to do things, and learn to accept it when he says he doesn't want to go? And how far should I go with this - where are the boundaries? And how often is fair to expect sex, even if our libidos clash somewhat? This is my first serious relationship, so I really don't know what to expect, nor do I have any feedback from previous relationships to work from; what do you think I should do?

    (PS: I definitely know what you're saying about maybe him not being the one for me. But we're still young and have no plans for marriage any time soon, to each other or to anyone. Still, I am learning much from him about life and relationships, so I don't think it's time to end it yet.)

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-19-2004
    Sun, 05-29-2005 - 9:44pm

    I was confused about that too. Maybe he's not interested in 'fooling around' because he's not actually getting any sex, so he doesn't want to get worked up and have to cool himself off. Unless they do everything except intercourse, but even still, I don't think the problem is the same one I experienced (my ex having a low libido).

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