Remaining Independent

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2011
Remaining Independent
8
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 5:37pm

Hello there,
I have been dating a Deaf guy for about 3 months. He is not good with English and I am learning ASL. We are getting to the point where we communicate pretty well. I think he's fantastic, however I am 22 (he is 30) and I get the sense that he is way deeper and more committed to the relationship than I am.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 7:36pm

Lap,

Hi. It seems to me that neither one of you are being honest in this relationship. Obviously he is needy and needs constant reassurance of your love and caring. That's not a healthy emotional person, deaf or not. That's a person whose expecting someone else (you) to fulfill all of his emotional needs. Not possible! Secondly, I think "love" is premature here. You can certainly care about someone after a few months but "love"? That's emoting a little too much in too short of space of time.

My suggestion is you be honest with him and just tell him: I don't do "serious" relationships. I like you, care about you, and enjoy being with you. But, I can't be the only thing in your life nor can I constantly worry about reassuring you of my feelings. Plus, I WILL be doing things I enjoy doing, including taking advantage of opportunities that may require me to travel or be out-of-touch for periods of time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2011
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 8:26pm
You are fantastic. These are my thoughts exactly, I just needed them to be validated. I am glad I am not crazy (or maybe I am, and I just haven't given you enough detail for you to know that ;D).
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 05-16-2011 - 9:46pm

Lap,

Good luck and congratulations for knowing yourself. Remember two things:

1)Women are the flame; men are the moths. You possess the power to attract a very, very good partner in life. A man who is not just "cute," or "hot," (all temporary qualities by the way) but also has depth about his beliefs, values, and standards. He doesn't have to "settle" for just anyone in his life, and neither do you.

2)Be true to yourself. If you are most happy being a free spirit with the occasional interaction with others, be that person. There may come a time when you have satisfied that need to be "independent" (or not) and now is the time of life to embrace that opportunity. Be honest with those you encounter about their expectations and don't be too quick to give your heart or your body. Leave 'em wanting more.

Good luck. You will be glad you had this time in your life. It is a time to be a little selfish and grow. Somewhere down the road you may want different things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 12:17am

IMO there is nothing wrong with either of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 3:49am

lapritchardmn, you've got some great advice so far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 10:46am

I have some experience with deaf culture, as I went to a university with a very high deaf population and was fortunate enough to learn some very basic ASL and make some deaf friends. You are absolutely right when you say that people immersed in deaf culture are very affectionate, close-talkers, use a lot of physical touch, and communicate CONSTANTLY.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 12:11pm

I think there is a big diff. between age 22 & age 30--I have a 22 yr old DD-she just graduated from college, hasn't gotten a real job yet & is just starting to be independent.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 05-18-2011 - 3:06am

Welcome back Laprichardnm ~

I agree most with Blue, Crab and Geo.


~ cl-2nd_life

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