Repetitive Behaviour...WHY?
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| Thu, 03-01-2007 - 11:59pm |
I've posted on this site so many times, during SO many break-ups with the same man..it's crazy. I'm probably a walking-talking textbook example of a co-dependant relationship but...let's not get into that just now.
Fact of the matter is, I got back with him last October after he ran off again in August. He came back with the USUAL loving words, about how he made a grave mistake, that I'm ALL that matters in this world to him; that he can't go on living or doing ANYTHING without me (seems like it always takes him a month or two, of complete communication cutoffs, to realize these things...) ...
All was EXTREMELY well, from October until nearly February.
But now, things seem to be slipping back to the way they used to be.
He becomes..less affectionate; rarely says and does any of the wonderful, romantic nice things that he was doing all along. Hardly even seems happy to be with me anymore.
It sends me into PANIC attacks because I hate seeing our relationship go through the same cycles.
I know the first thing everyone says is to TALK things out but, in the beginning, during those months when he was Perfect, of COURSE we could talk! He would talk to me about anything and everything, and be loving and understanding and eager and helpful...
Now, he's so short of word; hardly even picks up conversations when I open them...and I often suspect that when I present him with a problem, and he tries to answer things...he's just saying what he knows I want to hear, just so he can shut me up.
He's not a mean person or anything; sometimes I feel he might just have something mentally wrong with him, that causes him to constantly relapse into old, neglectful behaviour.
He stops smiling with me or joining in conversations or doing anything like that with me.
He comes over and has a blank expression and seems so dull and lifeless.
He denies EVERYTHING when I bring it to his attention.
What can I do about this?
What keeps happening to him?
Why can't he ever treat me consistently WELL? Does he get bored or something?
What can I do to stop this =(
Should I be getting us to couples therapy before we end up breaking up again?
(Sounds so horrible to say that, since it's my worst fear, but, it just always seems to end up there and then the cycle repeats)
Please help, I need advice and FAST! =(

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What can you do about this? Absolutely nothing. This is who he is.
Next time he leaves and begs to come back, if you accept him (and I hope you won't), it will be with the knowledge that he WILL do this again.
"Should I be getting us to couples therapy before we end up breaking up again?"
Yes, but it's probably not going to help you save the relationship. ITA with Aisha when she says that this is who he is. The guy with the blank expression is the real him; the guy who walks is the real him. The other guy, the one who is "loving and understanding and eager and helpful," is the persona he assumes to win you back after he's been gone. This is NOT the real him.
Understanding the reason for his behavior is not going to make it go away. My hope for you in couples counseling is that you will be able to recognize the futility of pursuing this relationship, and become strong enough to put it behind you and move on.
I totally agree with what Aisha and Geo have already said. What you see after the newness wears off is him, what you see before that is the facade. I agree that couples counseling will likely be unsuccessful, and I suspect he won't agree to go. I do hope you'll seek individual counseling to take a look at why you allow yourself to be drawn back into this of relationship despite the fact you recognize the pattern it will follow. Resolving the issue that has you going back will improve your happiness and quality of life.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I did post on iVillage before, but a few times it was under the Bereavement board as well as the Should I Stay or Should I Go? and THEN even the Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...
So many times, yes, but that's because we broke up and made up so many times.
ANd the thing is...I love him. I really do want to be with him.
We are highschool sweethearts and the love we have is REAL.
WHen I say he slips back into certain behaviour, it's not as if it's horrible or abusive.
(Now I know I sound like I'm defending him, but, I think I just may have been too harsh in my first posting for this thread)
He isn't as romantic or as enthusiastic about the relationship, yes...and he says certain things that he would never say in the beginning...
For example, say...if we went out to eat (during the "make up" period), and I asked him to put my leftovers into a take-out box...he would say certain things like "I would be delighted to ALWAYS do anything for you, My Love"
Then, just the other day, when we went out to eat, I asked him if he could put my food away into a take-out box, and he said, "Of course I will" but then later on made a joke about how, I shouldn't expect him to do it everytime.
At least I thought it was a joke.
Afterward he told me he was serious, and he said that women shouldn't EXPECT their man to do everything, even if they would do it willingly...
Because it's wrong ot just, EXPECT it.
I guess I understand what he's trying to say but, my point is, where BEFORE he wouldn't even RAISE such a subject, now he does.
This is the sort of behaviour that I mean.
He still treats me well and everything but, I guess the slide in behaviour just gets me worried that one day it will worsen and turn into BAD fights again, or something, and that he will run off.
A few times in the past two months, I got scared off by this behaviour. I panicked and thought, "Oh my God, this is the beginning of the end, I've SEEN it so many times before and I need to save myself NOW"
I had long talks with him those times, and told him to please not call meanymore, to just leave and let it go.
He always refused to leave of course.
He even was reduced to tears at one point because he was so scared that I was serious, that I would kick him out.
He wept and promised that THIS time was different, "I love you, I WANT to be here, no matter what happens, don't you see this?"
I guess he was referring to the fact that no matter how many times we've had hardships, we always end up together...
I don't know; the repetitive behaviour still scares me.
I guess when I wrote in this thread, I hoped to hear something like, perhaps HE could seek therapy and figure out why he has certain patterns in his behaviour...and perhaps could resolve them.
Does this post change anything at ALL? =(
"I guess when I wrote in this thread, I hoped to hear something like, perhaps HE could seek therapy and figure out why he has certain patterns in his behaviour...and perhaps could resolve them."
He certainly CAN seek therapy, and it would probably do him a lot of good, but he has to want to do it for himself, because he is unhappy with the way the relationship is going. If he does it because you insist, he's going for the wrong reason, and there will be no permanent change.
The only person you can control is yourself, the only problems you can solve are your own. There is no way you can solve his problems for him, and so far, he has shown no inclination to tackle them himself. Good luck in working through this situation--I know it's not easy.
Actually, your post has given me some positive thoughts for your relationship. You see, I don't see that his bad behaviour is all that terrible.
The way he treats you when he's trying to woo you back is so obviously fake. Real people just don't say things to the effect of "I would do anything for you My Love" Perhaps his overdone fakeness has got you expecting too much? Granted, he's not doing himself any favours by putting on the act when wooing you back - but you are being unrealistic if you are expecting such wordy romance to continue.
I've got a few questions for you.
1. Given that I totally agree women should not expect their men to do everything, why do you ask him to pack your takeout box? Why can't you do it yourself? Do you frequently expect him to do things for you? (His words indicate that he's feeling like a slave)
2. Put yourself is his shoes and look objectively at your own behaviour. What would he complain about in the relationship?
Edited 3/4/2007 10:03 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
About the takeout box, (heh, sounds funny but, I put forth the example so lets roll with it...)
Of course I don't agree with EITHER partner having to be a slave to the other.
However, I guess where certain things are concerned, I do tend to be a bit old-fashioned and...I guess I just find it chivalrous of him to do those things for me.
Obviously I've got two hands and I can pick up a plate and scrape food into a box!
I guess what I was trying to point out was just the actual BRINGING UP of the subject, on his part.
I just was trying to show that it's just the fact that he would SAY things like how I should not expect him to do it, whereas he'd NEVER have even said a word before.
That's not to say I expect him to be a robot and never voice his opinion EITHER!
It was just to emphasize on how he changes as time goes by, and says things and argues certain things that he would have just stay quiet for, before.
Another time was when I gestured to a heavy bag of groceries in the car, for him to pick up and bring into the house.
He made the SAME sort of comment like, "You shouldn't just expect ME to carry it all the time, even if I WOULD have taken it from you, if you'd picked it up first.'
It just seemed kind of..pointless.
I already knew in my mind, that if he saw me lugging that to the front door, he'd have taken it from me; so I just figured I'd get him to bring it out in the first place.
But apparently that bothers him so I just have to pick it up myself, let him see that it's too heavy for me and THEN he will say, "Oh, let me grab that for you, hun".
???
Anyway, but your post actually made me feel a bit better.
Hearing that REAL relationships don't really have all that mushy, wordy romance...well, it makes me feel better knowing that I don't have to expect it and he's NOT acting different than other guys would. I was just scared that he was constantly "giving and taking away", really...
It's nice to hear that for a change instead of always hearing that my relationship is just DOOMED if he's not treating me how I WANT to be treated.
That just makes me feel like really he SHOULD be doing all of those things and if he isn't, then it's my cue to leave..
I am grateful to ANYONE who posts replies though, so thanks to everyone.
I don't mean to sound like someone who just wants to hear what isnt good for her but..just give it to me straight, I guess. Any and all opinions because it's really a weird situation for me sometimes.
Ah....chivalry. Chivalry needs to be offered...not asked for. By asking him to do the job, you have removed any joy he gets from offering to help you. You see, it's lovely to be able to offer to do something, but it can be unpleasant being asked to do exactly the same thing. I know it sounds dumb, but it's the way it is.
I remember way back before kids when my husband and I used to have a cup of tea in bed on a Sunday morning. It started out that one of us would get up and *offer* to make the tea. We both enjoyed offering to do something nice for the other. But as time went on and we both got a bit lazy, we would each try and get the other one to make the tea. Gone was the nice feeling received from offering - in it's place was annoyance because it was *expected* we'd make the tea. Like your situation, this is a petty issue..but it's just an example of how a nice gesture can become a drag if it's expected.
Instead of viewing his idea as "pointless", perhaps you can put yourself in his shoes? For example, a peer at work who's filing has got out of control and you offer to help, but then they start to expect you to do their filing all the time.
Just to make it clear, I'm speaking only of nice gestures....scraping plates/opening doors/making coffee for you and the like. I'm not excusing him from his share of domestics if you live together!
>>I just was trying to show that it's just the fact that he would SAY things like how I should not expect him to do it, whereas he'd NEVER have even said a word before.<<
Ahhh, that's because in the "before" stage, he is faking it. He's putting on a show to woo you back. The person who does vocalise the complaints is the REAL him.
>>It's nice to hear that for a change instead of always hearing that my relationship is just DOOMED if he's not treating me how I WANT to be treated. That just makes me feel like really he SHOULD be doing all of those things and if he isn't, then it's my cue to leave..<<
I believe you have to figure out which of your expectations are reasonable. It's perfectly reasonable to expect a pleasant partner who enjoys your company. It's reasonable to expect him to do his share of the domestics. But it's seriously unrealistic to expect the honeymoon stage to last forever.
I've heard it said that a man who opens a car door for a woman has either a new car or a new woman.
Off the top of my head (taken from random posts over the years), you are extremely unlikely to receive the following after the honeymoon stage wears off: Weekly bunches of flowers. Poetry. Cards. Opening of car doors. Romantic phrasing such as "I would do anything for you My Love". Many phone calls each day. Countless texts per day. Phoning just to say "goodnight". You catch my drift?
I think what needs to happen here is for you to not expect the honeymoon stage to last long term. And he needs to stop faking it because it will only confuse you. (When I met my husband, he didn't do any of the stuff in the above paragraph because he didn't want to confuse me and pretend he was someone he wasn't).
If I were you, I'd make some changes.
Firstly, and most importantly, stop *asking* him to do chivalrous acts. Let him enjoy offering. (But if you live together, don't confuse chivalry with chores!) If you have to scrape your plate or carry the groceries now and then, remember that it's not really a big issue in the grand scheme of things. Just because he may not remember to do it 100% of the time doesn't mean that he doesn't care.
Secondly, accept that this wooing thing he does is over the top and unsustainable. It would be nice if he could realise that he's only doing damage by having this fake persona but I'm not sure how this could be accomplished. Other posters may be able to advise how to deal with it.
At the end of the day, you must accept that the man you've got now...the one who's forgetting how to be a corny romantic...he's the real deal. The other personality is fake. If you don't want to be confused, don't let the fake one return.
Keep your spirits up. It doesn't sound all gloom and doom to me :-)
Well said, Aisha! I would also like to make an observation about this chivalry thing:
Feline, you said (paraphrasing here) <> I know that's not quite right, but close. You also asked, <> In a word, yes. As women of the 21st century, we CAN carry our own groceries, open our own doors, and so on. As men of the 21st century, they're off the hook. Thus, when a man offers to do something for us, we should be flattered: they are paying us a kind of compliment, letting us know that they think enough of us to want to shoulder some of the burden.
In your multi-tasking zeal, picking up a heavy bag that you know he's going to take may seem pointless, and gesturing toward it may seem more efficient, but it's the social context that makes the difference. He takes the bag from you because it's heavy for you and he can help you out; he picks up the bag at your gesture because you're entitled and he's your servant.
On another board, a relationship expert suggests that we feel "limitless gratitude"--in other words, never expect those little gestures, and never fail to be taken off guard by our partner's expression of caring.
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