iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Fri, 09-20-2013 - 9:23pm

Back Story:

About 3 years ago my husband started have problems with ED, he tried pills, (worked for a while then stopped), the pump, (made his penis feel like a piece of cold steel, and caused him severe pain when he tried to remove the ring), and the shots, (worked for a while then stopped). Anyway 18 months ago I encouraged my husband to join me in my vegetarian diet; I told him about this book I had read and how poor diet can be the cause of ED and how he might be able to reverse it with nutrition and a vegetarian diet. To make a long story short my meat and potatoes man became vegetarian and within six months began to see a difference and today he no longer has ED.

My problem is he has lost too much weight and thinks he looks great; friends and relatives have asked me if he was sick. Myself and our son have told him he has lost too much weight and needs to eat more. He was never big to begin with but now I see his ribs and when we hug all I feel are bones. When we are in bed and I have my back to him and he puts his leg over me and holds me I hate it because his bony legs, thighs and arms feel like twigs jabbing me. When we make love it is a complete turn off because I feel like I am with a skeleton with bones stabbing me and it is very uncomfortable for me. He also likes for the lights to be on at times when we make love; which turns me off even more because I have to see that skinny body as well as feel it.

I have purchased my husband weigh gain supplement shakes that he won’t drink, I have told him that he is too small. I even asked his sister to talk to him because I thought if his sister told him he is too small he might listen to her. I insisted that he go to the doctors to be checked out because I feel that his weight could not be healthy.  He went to the doctor and said the doctors told him he is fine but I don’t believe any doctor would see his weight and say it is fine.  He is happy because he no longer has ED, but I am unhappy having such a skinny husband. He has always been a very picky eater but now that he is vegetarian his diet is even more restricted, which does not help.

How do I tell my husband that I am happy that he no longer has ED but I am no more happy sexually than I was when he had ED?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Thu, 09-26-2013 - 11:49pm

Thank you, you have hit the nail on the head. I love my husband dearly but I am really no longer attracted to him. But I just can't bring myself to tell him that because I do love him and don't want to hurt his feelings. Even though I know if I had gotten fat he would probably not have sex with me. He actually left one of his GF's because she had gotten fat and he could not bring himself to be with her after she had gotten so fat. So maybe I could use that analogy and he will understand what I don't like having sex with him.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 09-25-2013 - 3:26pm

I know this will sound shallow in some respects but I don't think one can totally disregard physical attractiveness. Many will say it is mind over matter, that fi you really love that person, they will be attractive to you, etc. I think we each have our own physical type or types that we are attracted to throughout our lives. If ones partner changes physically so much that they no longer fall within the types that you are physically attracted to, then isn't it valid to say you are no longer attracted in that way? You may still love them none the less, but the thought of intimacy with them frankly turns you off.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 09-23-2013 - 6:55pm

Oh gosh, this is tough.  But I do think that the first step is for you to get to a place of acceptance.  Repulsed, and in all caps, is a very, very strong statement.  Would you be repulsed if he was too thin from having cancer, or some other illness?  Probably not.  Being thin may not ever be a visual turn on, but if you are really making love to eachother, this wouldn't matter.  If a doctor said his weight is fine, I am not sure what else you can "do" perse. 

Which brings me back to acceptance.  We can't change other people, we can only change ourself.  Not saying grin and bear it if certain positions cause you pain.  But rather be honest that "this position" is uncomfortable, not "your d*** boney hips hurt my a**" or what have you.   We shouldn't ever be afraid to speak up if something it truly uncomfortable or painful. 

I feel for you, I really do, but the root of this issue really comes from within you.  I wouldn't be suprised that if you can get a place of love, tollerance and acceptance, that this "issue" will work itself out, one way or another.  Be honest with your DH, but don't point fingers.  Remember, this isn't about right or wrong. 

Good luck! 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 09-20-2013 - 11:17pm

  This is not easy.  There might be something mid range that can be done but a nutrtionist and a physician who is a specialist in his problem might be of help.  Sometime it is a combination of problems that cause ED. 

   Now you are in that famous "becareful of what you wish for" axiom.  This is something for several professional experts to address.  There are too many variables.