Resentful and tired

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Resentful and tired
13
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:05pm
This is my first time on this board. I really need to vent. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, we have a 3yr old daughter and another on the way in June. We just bought our first house in August. Financially, we have struggled along, living pay cheque to pay cheque. My husband has always felt that he has to go work in another city to make more money, so for half of our marriage, he has been away, working in construction. In February of 2006, he made the decision to go work 8 hours away, coming home "whenever he could", making $20/hr. I had no say in this decision. Our daughter missed him immensely as did I. Finally, in May I convinced him that it wasn't working and please come work at home. In September of this year, he decided again to go work 5 1/2 hours away in another city without asking me, just telling me that this is what his buddy is doing and that he was hired too. I was furious, I said that married couples have to make this kind of important decision together. He went anyway, regardless of what I thought. He is never happy with the amount of money he gets paid, so when he hears $30/hour he jumps, even though it doesn't make much of a difference in our debt. Sure, he gets all of his expenses paid for, meals, hotel and comes home every 2 weeks, for 4 days. I have had enough. I am 8 weeks pregant and basically a single mother to a 3 year old, who again misses her father so much and doesn't understand. She is always asking "where is daddy?" Now she is starting to act out and her personality is changing. Our new house needs renovations, he never has the time to do them. It snowed A LOT the other day, I had to hire someone to come shovel the snow (my doctor has told me to take it easy). He tells me that I don't appreciate what he is doing for our family. Sure I appreciate what he is doing, but can't he find a job in our city? I don't see any difference in our bank account, and any extra money he is making just goes towards bills, no saving. He thinks the job will be done by the end of December, but I am really starting to resent his decision to do this. His father worked in another country for his entire childhood, so it is acceptable in their family. I am grateful that he wants to work and see his point of view, but my daughter and I are starting to feel that work is more important to him. I know that's not true and that he is doing this for his family. We talk on the phone everyday, but it just ends in an argument. How do I cope with his decision?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 12:37am
If I understand you right, he had been home for five years before starting back up with out of town jobs.


He says you don't support him on this - he's right, and IMO, you shouldn't. I would tell him that you married to be with him, not to be married in name only. You married him to raise a family together, not for you to raise a family by yourself. You married him to support each other, not for you to support him doing something that is totally against what you want and what you believe while you also totally support your household by keeping the place standing, raising the children, doing all the work. Tell him if you'd married for money only this arrangement would be perfect; you get his money and never have to see or deal with him....maybe he'd like it if you were happy he was never around? Yes, his daughter will eventually get used to him never being around. Is that really what he wants, a child who doesn't care that her father is non-existent? Something I don't understand is that you say if he's home he's pouting and upset. But he was home for years, so why do you think he'd react that way? What changed?


I understand having a job is very important to him, but how responsible is he while he's home? Does he take care of 50% of the household things, care for his daughter and do things with you? What's it like when he's home? I'm asking because the reality is that while he's gone the two of you live very different lives. Yours is full of responsibility 24 hours a day -- even when you sleep if your daughter wakes up it's you who has to tend to her, and it's you who keeps an ear "awake" for her. You do all the household work, the cooking, the childcare, getting her to and from daycare, the shopping, the upkeep, the billpaying, all of it. On his end, when his work day is over, he has freedom to do whatever he wants, like a single guy. Being away may be making money for his family, but it also keeps him from having any real responsibility. Honestly, if an out of town job were all that was available, this would be a hardship that would be understandable and one of those hard times a family just gets through, but that's not the case here. He's choosing to be away, choosing to have no responsibility, no interaction, to be no help -- especially now that you're pregnant.


Marriages are about compromise, but there has been none. He's doing what he wants, and made the choice behind your back. That's not equality, that's not compromise and that's not taking your family into consideration, that's doing what you want despite what's best. Marriage is about two people, not just one. You should be a team, not one doing what they want while the other has none of what is marriage and a relationship.


If he were my husband I would tell him that if he wanted to be single he should keep on doing just what he's doing because if it continued the marriage would not. Why should it? I wouldn't marry someone to be alone with all the responsibility and a ring on my finger. I would tell him that what he's teaching me is how to be a single parent and the better I get at it, the less I want/need him home. I will caution you that this is what I would say and this is how I would feel. You should not threaten or suggesting things you don't mean or don't feel. Statements made should always be things that you mean, that you can and will carry out. I would say those things because it would be true for me. I wouldn't accept a situation like yours. A marriage is about both of you making decisions together about what is right for the family. This isn't the case here, he's choosing without you, and choosing things that are not family or relationship based.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 2:28pm

Thank you for your thoughts, makes me feel better knowing that I am not the only one who would feel the same about the situation.

The last time he worked out of town (before March this year) was in 2003, just before our daughter was born. The company he has been working for the last couple of years sent him on an out of town job, and he would come home on the weekends.

When he is home, he is a good father and a good husband. Since we bought our house though, I do have to ask him to help around the house. He would always help with dishes and cleaning before. It used to be whoever cooked supper the other would clean it up. Now it seems that I do both when he is home. He is busy "planning" our renovations in his head or relaxing watching tv because he's tired from all the overtime he is doing. I have no problem with him taking a day off and relax and just play with our daughter. In the summer months, he does do most of the outdoor maintenance and in the winter he does the shoveling, so doing the majority of the housework is almost a fair deal. He still hasn't cleaned the bathroom in our new house yet either.

The few times I mentioned to him that while I am doing everything at home and he gets the freedom to do whatever he wants, his reply was that he is not doing this for pleasure, he has no choice, etc. find me a job then, etc. I have found ads in the paper but they don't pay enough, and they don't, it's $10/hr. or they want a Journeyman, and he is not.

He did tell me on the weekend that there is a company he always talked about applying with (in our city) that he said he was thinking of talking to them. The only thing is that they send their guys out of town a lot so that means more money.

Thank you for your advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 1:27am
It doesn't sound like your husband has been living like a married single guy, it sounds like he's shared the work. But it does sound like being away from the responsibility is making him less a responsible partner than he's been. I don't know how much outside work you have to do, but I have a hard time thinking that yard work and winter snow shoveling are equal to the amount of daily work and cooking it takes to keep a house going. Do you expect him to do his share when he's home? Have you spoken to him about it?


A couple of questions....


Is the work where he is now steady rather than temporary? Does it really pay enough that even with the housing, food and travel expenses it still nets more than a local job? Are there government jobs in the area he's currently working in? If your area does not pay well for his profession, why not find a place that you could transfer to (you may have to wait for an opening to come up, of course) that pays the kind of money he needs to be making?


Thought I'd throw those out there, they may be important.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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