Responding to cl 2nd life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Responding to cl 2nd life
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 5:32pm
I a apologize for the confusion..He is a firefighter and an EMT at a local theme park and he is starting his own business..Plus he plays baseball in free time. We dont fight at all and yes there have been time when he has done things that have bothered me but we dont fight I do mention it to him and we talk it over..I can see why maybe our relationship is hard to understand...He is a very calm person but when he gets upset its for major things..Myself I have learned to view things different ways and not assume the worse to be patient and inform him of my thoughts. We are best friend, we used to talk about anything..until recently..there is some tension..Yes it is the same guy..We are still together we mostly speak via phone we dont see much of each other. That has been a problem for a while we live in the city but his schedule and mine makes it hard. Maybe u r right when u said that he was ready to walk and my actions held him back..But I have decided that I love him and I want him to be happy so if he feels its not with me I need to let him go..I dont how to..but thats my problem..Regarding my bday its tomorrow 3/30/03 and he called me today wanting to know if i had any plans..I said no..he then said that he didnt have any plans for us to go away for the weekend but for us to do something here local..He was going to try to get someone to cover his shift..and hed call me later..I said well see what happens...

I hope I cleared things up..I say I know what I need to do but deep inside I am not comfortable doing it for some reason I feel maybe I am jumping the gun and not being patient I dont know...We are both older well late 20's but we both have gone through a lot in our lives and we have learned..He has never done anything before to make me feel that I cant trust him and that he is playing with my emotions he is a VERY straight up guy..and maybe I am the problem...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 9:56pm

Thanks for clearing things up, I was a little confused. I hope you understood that I didn't really think you were talking about two different guys, just that the way you were describing them was vastly different in the two posts. Guess it's the difference between describing him when you feel sad and when you feel angry, huh? Our can perspective change just a *little* bit! ;)

It's good that you discuss the problems you have with him. I assume he's open to those discussions, is able to listen, and that the two of you can reach mutually satisfying compromises and agreements? I also assume he discusses the problems he has with you as well and that you can listen to problems he has with you as well?

I'm still a little confused as to your upset last night. Do you typically have Friday nights reserved? Was it unusual for him to "disappear" or did you expect him to surprise you with a weekend away? I didn't get that the two of you were locked in to meeting up. If getting together is something you've always done but has never been a spoken agreement, technically you had no right to expect it or to be upset, but if it's always been that way, he was a jerk not to at least call and let you know he was doing something different. It's called common courtesy in my book.

Your last line indicated you considered that you were the "problem". IF this relationship is heading south, there's no reason to think you're at fault, nor his for that matter. Most relationships end simply because of core differences between two people. One may feel the other is exactly who they're looking for, but the other may feel quite differently, or they may both feel the relationship isn't what it should be to continue and progress. IF he feels the relationship isn't right, it doesn't necessarily mean you've screwed up, in fact, you told him how you felt and he's had time to consider and process that. Having held back previously shouldn't be a decider here.

What's going on now though, makes no sense. He says he misses you and your relationship, but his actions have changed. What he's saying and what he's doing are conflicting, obviously. I think it's time for is a very frank, honest talk. You need to sit down with him and hear exactly what's going on. Hanging in limbo, being confused isn't doing you any good, isn't going to save your relationship if he's decided it isn't right and it isn't fair to you. You need to tell him it's time to clearly and plainly discuss what's going on and that you're ready to hear whatever he has to say, good or bad. It may not be easy to convince him of that and you'll have to be truly ready to take his words without drama. It's time to cut to the chase one way or the other, limbo is getting you nowhere but confused and nuts. It won't be easy, but you need to know. Do yourself a favor though, don't do it on your birthday, if it's bad you don't need to hear it on your day.

Let us know how it goes, ok?


"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"