Response to Jthinton

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Response to Jthinton
3
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:28am
Sorry for the confusion, in the message I responded to on the archived board you didn't ask whether you should stay or go, you seemed pretty resigned to your situation. You did say you were planning to stay, but everything else you were saying pointed to your leaving. I just didn't want you to make any rash moves that would end up being detrimental to you.

You have nothing to feel "guilty" for. Your husband is gone how many days a week and YOU think you're choosing fun over family? Come on, you know better than that. All of us need time away, time alone, it makes us better parents and partners. We all need free time on a regular basis - free time of OUR CHOOSING.

For what it's worth, I don't think it matters whether you want to dance every week for the rest of your life or you'll never want to do it again. The dance issue is the symptom, not the issue, his behavior, demands and mindset are. Fact is, he expects you to behave just as he deems, those same rules do not apply to him. He believes he is free to decide what is right for him AND for you; he can do as he wants, you must do as he chooses for you. His attitude and mind set says you don't matter and your feelings, thoughts and beliefs are not considered, period. I think you nailed it when you said your answer was his saying counseling wouldn't change his mind. It's coming down to whether you want to live your life under his total command or whether you want to have choices and a say in what you do with your life. No small aspect is the example of a "correct" and "normal" relationship your children are watching. Boys are learning they are rulers, men do as they want and TELL their women what they can do, girls are learning to submit to whatever their husband commands them to do, they'll seek out men "just like Dad".

His parents oppose what? You were very unclear on that.

I understand the kids are upset and you're concerned about uprooting them further, but I think getting them out of that environment is much better than having you or them continue to live as you are. They'll be better off away from the turmoil, IMHO.

I'd also like you to post your problem on the Recognizing and Dealing With Domestic Abuse board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting

Your husband's behavior is extreme, controlling and therefore abusive. You'll find lots of women who understand your problem because they are or have been where you now are. They can offer lots of sound suggestions to help you as well as be a great source of support for you.

cl-2nd_life


Edited 3/26/2003 2:49:04 AM ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:22am
Thank you!! I really do get alot of help from you and the other responders. I have posted on several sites and everyone basically says the same thing, which makes my decision alot easier knowing that I'm truely not crazy!! My in-laws don't approve of me uprooting the children. Why are they involved you ask?? Good question...My husband calls them everytime there is a problem. He asked them if he could stay with them because he thinks he has no other choice. That is simply not true. My husband has lots of "hunting buddies" who would love to have him stay with them but I think he likes involving his parents because he knows they feel the same way he does. My mother-in-law has been married to his father for 30 years. The past 5 years or so have been wonderful. The first 25 were a living hell. This woman would lay in bed at night a wish that he would die in his sleep. She hated him and hated the way he treated her. He was verbally abusive and was never home. She was left with the kids to raise basically alone. He wasn't a very good father until recently either. He totally turned his life around after she had enough. I know that my husband is following in his father's foot steps. I see that everytime we have an arguement and he tries to degrade me and hurt me so that I will leave the room crying. He says that's the only way to get me to stop bitching. My husbnd looks at his mother as a real women because she stuck it out through the hard times and never tore her family apart. I look at that as a weakness. I have tried talking to my husband about his behavior and how his influence on our son is not healthy. He hated his daddy for talking to his mother the way he did and that's why I don't understand why he does it to me in front of the kids. I guess that's when his anger takes over. He's always really sorry afterwards. We do have a little girl too and he would never allow anyone to treat her like that. He can't even stand the fact of her dating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:29am
Re-read your last post, it gives you the answer to every question you have. Why are your in-laws involved? Because there's is a dysfunctional family - of which you're now a part of. Why do they think you should stay? Because that's exactly how they did it. Why does your husband think his mother's a 'real woman'? Because SHE'S the example of what a woman is - a perfect woman. Just as it's been said, the example we have growing up is the standard for which we base ourselves and our lives. Your husband thinks his mother is perfect because she's his base for "right" and "normal". He acts just like his father -- his male base for "right" and "normal". He also expects you to react and behave just as his mother did - obviously, again because it's what was his example of 'right' and 'normal'. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing, it's what he grew up learning to do. Now that you see how this truly does trickle from one generation to the next you can see first hand what this environment will mean to your children's lives. It's no joke and there's no maybe -- unless you want them to live like you are living they'll have to be in an environment that doesn't include what it does now.

Your inlaws and your husband are abusive and dysfunctional, but like many in these relatinships, they don't think there's anything wrong here. No doubt his parent's grew up in similar environments. GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!

Please post on the Recognizing and Dealing With Domestic Abuse board too!

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 8:49am
I did post there and got alot of good advice. I've never realized until now that this is abuse and I don't want my kids to follow. I really appreciate your help!!