Right to be mad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Right to be mad?
12
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 4:20pm
My husband of 7 years is in deep trouble with me. Let me start out by saying this issue has a lot more reason behind me being angry about this.
We met when i was 15 and he was 17. We got pregnant and i had the baby when i was 16 and he was 18. He freaked out and did everything he could to sabotage our relationship, all but cheat.We had problems with porn, online relationships, strip clubs, and lying about everything. I couldn't even hold a job because i was so sick to my stomach about what he was doing at home. It still bothers me to this day, but i know he isnt doing any of those things anymore. So I have major trust issues. Things got better, and let me just say, I didnt leave because i had no place to go with a baby. we lived with his parents. Anyways, Things got alot better but every so often he lies or hides things from me.Things like, This past Nov he started smoking again, which he knows is a huge pet peeve of mine. I cant stand the way he smells, or what it does to him. And most of all we cant afford it. He totally went behind my back and was smoking. when i caught him he totally denied it and told him he was going to stop after 1 pack. he was under alot of stress and blah blah blah, so he did. Then I just found out the other night that he is still smoking on and off. Hes getting them off of friends and hiding them in our garage. So when i ask him to go to the store or something he has one without a thought to me. I know he thinks this doesnt effect me but it does. It makes me not want to touch, kiss or be anywhere around him. And thats my right!.. I feel that i have every right to be mad. I also just found out last night that all this time ive been thinking he hadnt been smoking for like 5 years, that hes been doing it this whole time. I feel totally deceived. Do i not have a right to be mad? We are supposed to be moving out of state in a few weeks to a place where we have no friends or family and i cant trust him. A huge part of me doesnt want to go through this crap anymore, i dont want to be with him, but we ave 2 young kids 6 and 10 and they have been listening to us fight forever and i want it all to stop. He wont go to counseling. How do i make him go? I know all this hurt and anger will not go away until we fix it. But whenever he lies it just brings it all back again like it was yesterday.
What do i do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: babs19pa
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 6:04pm

Yes, you have every right to be angry about him smoking.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: babs19pa
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 10:37pm
Welcome to the board, Babs19pa ~


I agree wholeheartedly with Kim, it certainly sounds like your problems run a lot deeper than just smoking. If I read you right, lying is something that's been a constant problem throughout your marriage, am I right? You're absolutely right to want to end the fighting not only is it very destructive to you personally and your relationship, it's incredibly destructive to the kids. You're teaching them to grow up and have the exact same life and relationship you have, and I doubt you want them to be fighting and unhappy constantly. This has to be changed for them, as well as for you. When are you supposed to be moving/


I'll be checking back for your answers to the questions Kim and I asked, they're all important ones.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: babs19pa
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:31am
It was constant for like 6 years. Then it went down to about 2 a year and over stupid things. I just dont like the lying period. He did so much damage for the first 6 years that i cant get over it, and every time he lies or hides things from me now, makes me think what else could he be hiding. He just acts like a jerk about the whole thing, like i have no right to be mad or hurt, and he thinks that everything he does has nothing to do with me so what does it matter. Thats total BULL! I have found out just about every time hes lied to me. Almost everything he does affects me in some way.
I want to go to counseling with him but he doesnt want other people to know his business or to tell him hes wrong. Because he knows he is. Im just sick of feeling this way. Other people have told me, its time to leave when you no longer care. I do still care, but im thinking thats not enough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: babs19pa
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:43pm
I fully believe you that a ton of damage was done those first six years, no question about that, but it's not just that this damage has been done but continued lying (even *only* a couple of times a year) doesn't allow you to regain trust. You continue to get reminders that you cannot trust him. And truly, if you can't trust him to tell you the truth on little things, you know darned well you can't trust him for a second to tell you the truth on big things.


What kinds of things does he lie about and why, do you know?


You're right to say caring isn't enough. Many, many people still care when they end their marriages. That doesn't mean it's a situation you can tolerate or want to continue to live in. No one can tell you what the circumstances are that you should leave for but you. You are the one who lives your life, no one can say it's not *that* bad or you don't have good enough reason to leave. Frankly, from what you've said, what's gone on in the past, the continued lies and the fact that he's unwilling to get real help to resolve it and try to do something to really help your relationship is reason enough for me.


When are you supposed to move? When I was married to my ex-husband, he used to talk about moving on occasion. I always refused. No way was he going to take me away from the only support system I had. Like you, the marriage was not good, stable or healthy.









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: babs19pa
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 2:47pm

We are supposed to move in about a month or so depending on if he gets this new job. Hes been out of work since Nov (mass layoff) and hasn't been able to find a job here. I called and made an appt at a marital counselor yesterday. I told him about it today and he said he would go, but it makes him nervous and stressed out. I wonder how its going to go. Were both very angry about everything. He says im controlling and he cant do anything. I feel i cant trust him. Another problem we have is hes a computer addict. He spends all day long and night just sitting there surfing the internet and playing games. I do tend to control how much time he spends on it, but i dont know what else to do. Ive given him the chance to control it himself but then he just sits there from morning till bedtime. So weve agreed on a deal that he gets sun, tues and thursday nights to play after the kids go to bed. (that isnt saying he isnt on it all day sometimes) I make him spend mon,weds and fri nights with me, (hoping it would lead to more then watching tv, but it never does because hes mad at me)sat is family time with the kids.. etc. The thing is since he lost his job and made me quit college (due to us moving) we just sit here all day with nothing to do, so all he wants to do is play computer, and he doesnt understand why that makes me so angry. Sorry if im rambling again. I guess weve made a step in the right direction finally going to counseling, i just hope it works. How do we not bring all that anger home? How do we go in there and talk about everything without blaming eachother for everything. I just want it all to go away and for us to be happy and normal. I want our children to be happy. I am so unhappy and depressed and angry all the time and It gets taken out on them. I try to not but im soo sad all the time and i have no patients for anything. Im not saying i treat my kids like crap because i dont, but they can tell im not happy

We kinda talked today, and i think he is absolutely oblivious to how i feel. How can someone ive been with for 11 years not see when im hurt, or sad. I cry and he says " Oh life is so bad, why dont you go eat a bottle of pills" That KILLS me. I dont have much of an inner person anymore because of things like that. When he hears me crying at night, weather its over him or just from being sad, he doesnt even act like he hears me.

I am so angry with myself for staying with this man. I do love him, but im so confused. Ive never been alone before, Ive never been without him, and hes always told me i cant make it without him, and i believe that. Ive never worked, i have social anxeity, depression and i feel like a total failure in my life. Im 27 and havent accomplished anything but having children, and thats only ruined their lives. I wish I was strong enough to swallow a bottle of pills. that would make everyone so much better. No more of my crap! I will admit i am a emotional person, i dont handle things very well. But the one person in my life that i thought for sure would be my #1 support isnt there for me. I would be on meds but i have no insurance or money to pay for it. I just hope that this therapist will be able to help us and ME!

Sorry... i once again went on a tangent, but i have no one else to talk to! thanks for listening, if you finished this post. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: babs19pa
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 12:26am
I don't think your feelings are unusual for someone in your situation. Don't worry about venting, it's fine. But the talk about everyone being better off if you took a bottle of pills? If you're serious you need to contact some real help immediately, National hotline 800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433) , if you're not, please preface your post by saying you're not serious. Let me know which it is, okay?


Don't worry about how to handle the anger that will be unleashed in the therapist's office, you'll learn how to deal with it while you're there. I'm glad he's agreed to go, let's hope that also means he's willing to take responsibility for his actions and he's willing to do the work to make some big changes. It seems on many levels your relationship has evolved into mother/child, with him doing what he wants, you laying down rules and him pouting when he doesn't get his way. Hardly a partnership, hardly equal, and hardly an adult relationship, you know? When is your appointment?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
In reply to: babs19pa
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 12:33pm

Hi babs,


I'm so glad you have this wonderful community to help you deal with your relationship problems.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: babs19pa
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 1:19pm
Im sorry for the scare! Unfortunately no matter how much i would love to lay down and die, im not strong enough to do it. I have no one to talk to. My family isnt in my life and my husbands family is well not supportive. they think this is all a joke and im over reacting.
Your right though this relationship is a mother/child. I feel i have 3 kids not 2. And my kids see this everyday. Im just as a point where i dont know what to do. Do i even want to save this marriage. But then again what do i have to go to if i do end it. NOTHING! and NO ONE! So in a way it just seems better to suffer. But how do I get through everyday hating my life? I do love him, and i do HATE him! I hate this situation we are in. I hate that i didnt have the courage to leave him a long time ago. Which btw, would have been through the ages of 17-21. He is the only thing i have in my life except my kids and i dont want to lose that. But He doesn't seem to understand anything! I made the first move of trying to make up the other day, Not so much me make up with him, but i gave him the offer and opening. He didn't. Were not screaming at each other anymore, but he doesn't want to talk, Not like it would do any good anyways, it never has. He wont even say sorry, or admit he did anything wrong. Which is fine whatever, But i have a hard time dealing with it if we don't try to talk. I talk he listens and pretty much has the "is it over yet" attitude. I feel so hurt and empty inside. confused. Do i love him enough to stay? If not where will I go? How will that affect my kids? what will his family think of me. ( their the only real family i have, and to them this whole thing is silly. But they don't know the half of it, and his mom has been in a loveless 2 different lives relationship for 30 years) How do i get what i want without nagging? How can i get him to appreciate me? He says and thinks because i don't work im useless, and he tells me im worthless. But i don't work because im afraid of whats going on in my house when im not there. Like leaving my 10 and 6 yr old home alone. I must seriously be insaine!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
In reply to: babs19pa
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 1:35pm

Hi, babs,


While I'm certainly glad to hear that you're not suicidal, I do still think that you need to speak to a counselor in real life to help you with your relationship issues. Talking to someone face to face about what you're going through can be so very beneficial, especially when you've gotten to such a point that you feel so stressed and depressed all at once. (((HUGS))) and I hope you'll seriously consider finding someone to talk to offline to help you through this.


CMStephanie
Love & Sex Asst. Community Moderator
relationshipscm@mail.ivillage.com

_________________________________________________


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: babs19pa
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 7:02pm

Sweetie, these are the things that your counselor will help you with.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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