Right thing to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Right thing to do
5
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 10:37pm
I have a DSD 16 years of age. My wife is somewhat upset ( to put it mild at her ex). The problem is just this. My DSD needs new glass and wants contacts. WE have no problem with that other than the ex does not want to pay 1/2 as stated in their divorce decree. My advice to her was to just get it done . Whatever is needed for her DD and send the bill to her ex. He has to pay period.
Her problem is just this. She has very little time to take off work to deal with him. She is really upset and I support her feelings. All I can do is support her in this. I have given my advice but she is still somewhat reluctant to just move forward. She recently won an alimony case against him it was a slam dunk as her lawyer put it. He was also so arrrogant as to ask the court to reconsider. Again he lost. He is just an arrogant person. He thinks he makes the rules as they go and can defy court orders. He will lose again I am sure. He is a putz as she puts it.
All I really care about is my wife does not get taken advantage of and the emotional truama he puts her through constantly. He put her through 15 yeears of heartache ,I think enough is enough. The poor woman is at her wits end so to say. I don't blame her! It is always something with him. I also told her if she lets this slide we have 6 more years of dealing with these types of things as she also has a 12 year old son. If she lets him continue doing this he will not stop.Give him a single inch and he take a mile. She really needs to nip this in the bud, but it is not up to me to push her.What they agreed upon and what is stated in that decree is just that, period end of conversation as I have told her. Don't play his games . Nail him to the cross! Make him pay 1/2 of every single co-pay medically and other expenses that are clearly stated in that decree.
She has been overly kind concerning both of her children, and to him as a matter of fact. The kids go on school trips we foot the entire bill and he does not even give them spending money! Something else that is also stated in her divorce decree. Extra curricular activities such as football, softball, etc and so on for both kids..he pays nothing! She provides the medical insurance also, which is a huge monthly expense for us. I am not complaining or angry at her in any way but we do spend thousands of dollars on extra expenses that he should contribute to.
She was very abused by him over a 15 year marriage. I am sure she was the same with him that she has been with me.It is just who she is. A very devoted wife, kind and considerate . She has been since we have been together the consumate wife and mother. I admire and love her to no end.
I am a very calm man and I love this woman dearly. She is a good woman not some gold digger. He has gone as so far as call her a blood hungry bit.. and other names. it burns me up. I don't just love my wife I am in love with her. I respect her feelings. something I guess he never did. I love deeply and when people hurt the ones I care about I take extreme offense to it.
My poor DSD has been in tears after talking to him. He told her everything. He slammed her mother and always talks about me. I could care less about me I consider the source so to say. I have a temper to say the least . I will hold it as any man should, but I am on the edge. All she wants is him to honor the agreement they had when they divorced. I would love to hand this guy his head. Something as an adult I would not do but I am getting to the end of my rope with this guy. I know enough to just handle him legally, but I would love to have 10 minutes alone with this guy. it would take me alot less than that I am sure. Needless to say I am holding my anger, but I am really piffed. This idiot even got on the phone with my SD and told her her mother was wrong and being greedy. What an ...
In closing my advice to her irregardless if she takes it or not is not there is no problem between us. Just nail him to the cross as aforementioned, time off or not.Do not let him get away with anything any longer!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 11:01pm

Narcarnutt, my personal opinion is that you should let the money issues go. Unfortunately, there is very little one can do to force another to pay his bills. Sure you can take him to court again and again, but that just brings more stress and very little in the way of a satisfactory outcome. Taking him to court hasn't worked before - so I doubt it will work again. I think it's better to cut your financial losses and reap the benefits of having less stress in your lives.

Is it fair that he won't pay his share? No. Absolutely not. Is it fair that he says nasty things about your wife to your daughter? No, it's not. But it's the way it is.

I'm not sure about access laws in the USA, but I'm guessing at age 16 your step daughter should have some say in whether or not she wants to visit with him. If he's upsetting her, surely she doesn't HAVE to see him?

If I was in your situation, I'd be telling DSD the truth. While I don't believe in saying nasty things about one's ex to the kids, there comes a time when the truth needs to be told. I'd try to keep visitation to a minimum and forget about expecting money from him. The less you have to do with him, the better.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 11:41pm

So are you saying your dsd will not get the glasses and contacts because her dad

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 4:48am
I'm not sure that I totally agree. If it is just contacts, fine. Your advice is sound. However, if the dd has ongoing medical expenses, it's different. My x didn't follow the court order and pay half of all medical, eye, and dental care bills. Because of chronic conditions, I am $55,000 in debt plus the $15,000 that I've paid. All over a six year period of time. For medical, dental, and eye care. And that's AFTER insurance. One hospital stay was a total of $12,000 for psychiatric care since the coverage had already run out. I'm going to have to file bankruptsy. If I could go back and do it again, I would in a heart beat. The stress of dealing with taking him to court over these costs would be MUCH less than dealing with the stress of these bills and the everlasting mark of bankruptsy on my credit record.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 7:45am

ITA with firstamendment, but don't let the amount he owes get as high as it did with the previous poster! You have no control over him, but everytime he gets to refuse to pay for something, he gets power over you. I'm guessing that your wife wants him to agree to the expense in advance, which he surely will not do. She approaches him in a phone call, saying, "Ex, our daughter wants contacts,and we need you to pay half," and he replies, "No way!" Stop talking to him about these things. That is why Benjamin Franklin established the US Postal Service. Every time something like this comes up, your wife needs to write a letter, telling him the nature and amount of the expense, and clearly stating that his half is expected by certified check on such-and-such a date.

Keep copies of the letters and the relevant bills; if he responds, keep those as well. When the amount hits $1000, or whatever amount makes it worth your while to go to court, then do so. I'm sure you will win, because it's in the decree.

For your own sake, and that of your wife and the children, however, you need to practice holding peaceful thoughts and not giving him the satisfaction of letting him know you're exasperated. Remember that this man is an abuser--he loves to stir you up as long as he's in control. The least-reinforcing response to a person like this is to seem as bored and apathetic as possible, because he gets no charge from this kind of attitude.

So, that's my advice: don't ask him about contributing to his children's expenses, just tell him; communicate by mail as much as possible, and save copies of everything; take him to court when the amount gets too high; and when you have to interact with him in person, act as bored and apathertic as you can. Good luck! Please let us know how things are going for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 8:43am

Expenses for children can get high, medical or otherwise.

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