Rollercoaster

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Rollercoaster
4
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 5:16pm

Hey...I'm back. I have posted a few times on here and in toxic relationships and well I on the relationship rollercoaster...again.

It was going good for about a few months, thats why I havent been around. We actually started having a laugh about things again.

Now..its worse then ever and I am so close to leaving its not even funny.

Now he is constantly doing everything for his mom, making sure he has the best for her, well within his financial capabilities that is. Christmas gifts have to be perfect for her...me I get the line..."I'm so hard to buy for" so I have to tell him what I want. His mom on the other hand he puts so much thought into it, it makes me sick. Recently, he went so far as to get her front row seats for a concert. He has never, ever, gone that far for me...put that much thought into a gift.

Its her her her...and never me. Im sick of it.

I have addressed this issue with him but its like he doesnt hear.

Help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 6:25pm

Susie, I found one of your posts on the Toxic Relationship board. You have absolutely nothing good to say about your husband, and your friends were all telling you to leave (before they gave up on you).

What EXACTLY is keeping you in this relationship?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 4:12am

I didn't recognize your name, but when I found your post on Toxic Relationships, I found I knew your story, it's nearly identical to the one I believe you posted on this board under the name Cdasuize, right? If so, here's your previous post, for anyone who's not familiar with it:
Going separate ways....


The mom issue is one of many that you have, and, like the others, it's not going to go away. You've lived with things "rollercoastering", getting somewhat better (giving you hope that things are changing) then back to the dismal normal for many years. As easy as it is to get caught up in focusing on only what's going on today, it's important to take a step back and realize nothing's really changing, it's just the same old pattern. The fact that he puts his mother above you isn't new, he always has put his parent above you, as well as his own preferences. Your wants and needs have never mattered or been considered.


There are so many things you want in life that you'll never have as long as you stay. What you know for certain is that as long as you're with him your wants and needs won't matter, what he wants will take precedent. He treated you differently before you married, but that was 11 years ago, you've had 11 years to recognize that the person you knew before marriage was the phony, the guy you're with now is who he really is. He made that clear by changing immediately after marriage. Do you realize you're allowing his trick 11 years ago to continue to hold you?


With him you'll never find happiness or any of the joys and pleasures you so much want in your life. Without him you can have many things you desperately want to feel happy and satisfied. It's your life to live as you choose, but if you continue to live as you are now, will you be happy and satisfied when you look back at the life you've chosen? Regrets are a terrible thing, regretting living a life unhappy, dissatisfied and uncared for would be a terrible thing.


He's not going to change and as long as you live with him your situation is not going to change. The only thing that can change is what you decide to do and how you choose to live. You have every right to be unhappy, dissatisfied and fed up. You should be considered, cared for and respected, but you're not. Moving on without him would be a huge step in your happiness and in the statement you'd be making about how you feel about yourself and your worth. You are worth more than this. You should be sick of it. I hope you're ready to make a positive change for yourself.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 10:13am

Many thanks for getting back to me so quick and finding my previous post. You make 100% sense and I think it helps for me to see it in black and white.

I think its time for me and not worry about anyone else. I dont want the life I have right now. If I stop to think about everything I can have outside of the marriage, that gives me a glimmer of hope, that maybe all isnt lost. Basically I am alone now anyhow...right?

You give such wonderful, uplifting advice and I thank you for that.

I think I just need to find the strength to take the next step and get off the ride.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 1:07am

I knew that had to be you, Suzie ~


It's hard to look at a situation when you're in the middle of it and see it clearly. I think though, that you can probably see that while there have been ups and downs in your marriage, nothing's really changed, it continues to be what it is, and what it is isn't enough. Not enough respect, care, or any of the things that go into a loving partnership. From what you've said, there is no give and take, simply giving on your part and taking on his.


From what you've said, it sounds like you most certainly are alone in your situation. I know how that feels, I was much the same in my previous marriage. I can't pretend to tell you how you'll feel, but I can tell you how I felt. First of all I found being alone while being in a house with my "partner" to be much harder and more painful than being actually physically alone. It hurt much worse and was much harder being alone with someone in the house, or even if he was gone (as he often was) knowing he'd prefer to be elsewhere rather than with me. I realized that being truly alone would be better and easier than being alone in a relationship. Make sense? I found that for me, being actually alone was so much better and easier. It was actually freeing to be out of my situation, even though I was alone, it felt sooo wonderful. The freedom to make choices and decisions with no one else to criticize my choice or berate my decision was wonderful. I only had myself to answer to and it was good. From what you've said, I don't know that you'll be alone. You've indicated that friends have been pushed away by your husband; on your own, it sounds like you'd have plenty of friends around you.


You might try making two lists, one of things that aren't acceptable in your marriage (his preference for his parents, his uncaring attitude towards anything you want or need, the whole animal allergy thing, etc.) be specific, detailed and don't leave anything out, even if it seems minor. Your second list should be things that you want but can't achieve in your marriage. Tuck those lists away and when you're questioning whether leaving is right or are temporarily blank on what you'd have on your own, pull out the lists and read them. Reading your own detailed descriptions in your own words is a great way to remind you fully of what the situation really is.


Suzie, you'll not be disappointing anyone by leaving, but you are wasting your life by staying. You can't get those years back, don't waste another one. Eleven years is a very big chunk of your life to spend unhappy, dissatisfied, disregarded. It seems to me a place of your own, a cat, a dog (either or both, your choice!) and friends would make your life so much richer than you are now or can be as long as you stay. You deserve to be happy.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"