Rough patch? Or more?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Rough patch? Or more?
10
Fri, 09-02-2011 - 1:57pm

So long story short. (first, wow been long time since been on IV! Die hard expecting board member but didn't like the new changes).

Anyways. I'm married 9 years, mom of 4 kids (3 boys and a girl). Dh and I have had up/downs like all marriages. Ours usually start with his lies. He lies about smoking and drinking. And every often I find out about it, we go to therapy. he says he quits, stupid me believes him til the next time. This has been going on our entire marriage! Caught him smoking and hiding it (our 7yo caught him!)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Sun, 09-11-2011 - 9:30am

Hi Meghan,

I read your post and skimmed the others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2011
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 10:59am

I think that for one he's not going to quit smoking or drinking because you want him to.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 4:31am

2nd life nails it about getting divorce FOR the kids' sake.

Mark

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 9:40pm

Well, there's employment and child support for starters....

Just because you're not together doesn't mean the guy isn't still financially responsible for those same four kids, child support is by the kid, not a group rate.

You really think money is a good reason to destroy 5 lives?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 12:35pm

I never understood why people marry people who smoke and then think the person will quit.Same goes for drinking..

I never understood why people who get married and have problems from the start (sounds like this case) that they keep continuing to have children.. Do they think it will fix the marriage and the people.?

Anyway; 2nd life you are one of those tough love people I see and I do agree with you to some extent but divorce with four young kids and no job and all?


Wow;; How the heck can someone manage that without a ton of outside help or a career or family to help..

Just wondering???

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 2:03am

Welcome to the board, Megan130 ~

The board format changed in October -- nobody likes it.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 1:23pm

Hi, Meaghan!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sat, 09-03-2011 - 8:51am

Yes. He smoked before we got married. Ugh. I HATED IT! And yep, promised to quit. Stupid stupid me!!!! I knew nothing about smoking. NEVER dated a smoker before him. Should have kept to that rule!

I am 100% his mom. Monitoring money, thinking if he's hiding purchases, lying, whatnot. We talked last night and he turned it all around on me!!!! That he doesn't sleep in our bed cuz I"m not intimate with him. Ummmm he hasn't slept up there must in 2 years! I use to be. Yes I am not lately cuz I don't trust him, feel connected to him, and honestly I"m not attacted to him!

So he pretty much threw in comments about divorce and laid it all on me. That he's done all I have asked (for 2 weeks). And I"m suppose to believe he really did quit (though he never could in 9 years) hasn't drank, or lied. And I need to get over it.

He also told me I do nothing and am on computer all day and he busts his butt all day then comes home to crabby kids and a wife that doesn't want to touch him. Ugh! He has NO idea what I do in a day with 4 kids!!!! I should start keeping track for him!!!

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 09-03-2011 - 8:12am

Megan,

Get in touch with Alanon.org. Its the sister organization of Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes, your husband has a drinking problem, and like many addicts it takes priority over everything, including kids and family. Alanon can help you see your role in this situation, give you tools to deal with your husband, and help you make decisions about how you act and react to your husband's addiction. (And please don't deny it - he's an alcoholic.)

I'd also immediately set up bank accounts in your name only. Same with the kids. Get their money out of a joint account and put it in one with your name as gaurdian. Period. Pull your credit report and get information on your credit accounts. Deal with what you find.

I'd also suggest you review any life insurance, homeowners, and health insurance policies to make sure they are current and complete.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-02-2011 - 2:27pm

First I am curious about why you are managing his smoking & drinking like you're his mom.