Is this salvagable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Is this salvagable?
3
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:45pm

My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years. We are both in our early 30's. In the beginning of our relationship by bf said ex's shouldn't be involved in our lives. Mind you, I still talked to an ex occasionally. Although things did not work out between us we still remained friends and talked every few months just to catch up on each others lives. My bf also talked to an ex of his every now and then which I was fine w/because I trust him. My bf told me that he doesn't want me to speak w/this ex anymore so I told this ex out of respect for my current relationship I think it's best if we dkeep our communication to a minimum. We only talk on the phone because he lives in another state. That was that. Mind you, my bf still talked to his ex and was even going to buy her house that her and her husband were selling! He said it's different for him because his ex is from many, many years ago and my ex is more recent. No ex's means no ex's right regardless of how long ago that was. He told me that if I want him to stop talking to her then all I have to do is ask. I told that I am not that kind of person and he needs to do what feels right for him and the relationship. He continued to speak w/her occasionally. She is married and has kids, but that is besides the point. Anyway, the past few months my bf and I have been having a lot of problems. He is too critical of me and has told me he is confused at times about us which made me feel terrible. We have been on and off for the past 2 months and barely have seen each other. During this tiime my ex happened to call and we spoke a few times. About a week ago my bf came to me and told me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for always being so critical and that when he see's his future he see's me. I was so happy! We were going to try to make it work. When we got back together he asked me if anyone from my past has called me. I told him no. I should have told him yes, but I was too afraid of his reaction. The other day while I was in the shower at his house he looked through my phone and had seen that my ex had called me and he called him and started asking him all kinds of quesgtions like how often we talk, when the last time was that we saw each other, etc. My ex told him we hadn't seen each other in years and that we every few months and that we are just friends. My ex told him he has nothing to worry about and even offered to meet him if he wanted to because he would be in town in a few days. I had no clue this was going on until my ex sent me a text message telling me he called my ex and he knows that we talk and that I am a liar and that it's over. I tried to call him and call him and he would ingore my calls. I had to end up going to his house and I asked him why he looked through my phone to begin with and he said because he doesn't trust me and now he knows why! I feel this entire thing is my fault because I lied in the first place, but on the other hand he still talks to his ex! I know, 2 wrongs don't make a right. I know I was wrong for lying, but was he also wrong for snooping? He thinks not....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:55pm

chiquitita2006,

I'm sorry to be blunt here but is what salvagable?? Hon, you don't have a relationship. Well atleast not a mature, loving, trusting, comminucating, respecting one, which is the way it should be. Lying or not, your BF is controlling and that is not a person you should have anything with.

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:47pm

I am hearing a few things in your post.

First, your bf was NOT honest about his contact with his ex. He said no exes yet continued to talk to his while expecting you not to talk to yours. So HE started the dishonesty here, not you.

Second, several things in your post about your bf make me very concerned for your safety. You say your bf is too critical of you, that he tries to control who you can contact (like your ex), that he snoops through your personal things(your phone), he keeps you off balance emotionally by talking to his ex and never letting you feel comfortable that he is committed to you. Chiquita, this is an abusive relationship. And sooner or later, if you stay with this man, he's going to hit you. He's all about controlling you, and when insulting you and manipulating you stops working, as is inevitable, he will resort to violence, It's a very predictable course of behavior and you'll be able to see it documented within any search that you do on domestic violence.

I realize that you are hurt and confused right now, but this guy did you a favor by leaving. Let him go. You deserve someone who loves you, celebrates you, accepts you and can make a commitment.

jg

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 12:19am

I agree with what's been said. Your boyfriend did you a favor by ending the relationship. Do yourself a favor and don't even consider going back.


You've known all along this isn't right. You said, "...my bf still talked to his ex ... He said it's different for him because his ex is from many, many years ago and my ex is more recent. No ex's means no ex's right regardless of how long ago that was. " Bingo. Exactly right. Him having a different set of rules than he has for himself is wrong. It says he doesn't see you as a partner or an equal, you are less than he, he is the "boss", and that's a serious red flag. You went on to say, "He told me that if I want him to stop talking to her then all I have to do is ask. I told that I am not that kind of person and he needs to do what feels right for him and the relationship." Bingo again. He needs to do what's right for him, not do what you demand he do. The same applies for you, you do not stop talking to someone because someone else tells you to. The person who dictates who you can talk to, who your friends are is you, no one else. Rule of thumb is if someone tells you a friend has to go, the one who put that demand on you is the one who has to go. If he can't handle you having an opposite sex friend or an ex for a friend, then clearly he's not right for you as your beliefs on what is appropriate for a friend are vastly different. However, this guy has already proven that it's a matter of lack of seeing women as equals, and that's not a situation you want to be in. You also mentioned him being critical, and in the end, checking up on you. Those are serious red flags and indicate a relationship that should be run from.

The moral of the story is only accept relationships that don't ask you to change or compromise your beliefs or your friends. If you can't be who you are, it's not a good place to be.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"