Secret Meeting With Old Girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Secret Meeting With Old Girlfriend
21
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 6:50pm

I would like some feed back on this please.
My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year and a half now.
A few weeks ago he got a phone call from an old girlfriend of his who he
broke up with about a year or so before we met.
They spoke for a while then he hung up, neglecting to tell me anything
about the phone call or who it was with. Then I found out later that it
was his X girlfriend and several days after that phone call he met her
for drinks. He has never mentioned any of this to me. If it hadn't been for
a third party I would never of known.
My question is, should I confront him about this or how should I handle this?
Thanks Kaylalee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 11:37pm

Before I can answer your questions, I need to know the following:

If he had told you that he'd gotten back in contact with her, would you have been cool with it? If they had wanted to meet, would you have happily gone along with them?

You see, I recently got back in touch with an old boyfriend of mine. My DH was totally cool with it and we ended up having a BBQ for the old boyfriend at our home...with my family there too (they wanted to see him again as well). There was no need for me to keep anything a secret.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 12:06am

I agree with Aisha that while he should have been open and honest about it, previous unaccepting or jealous behavior could affect how he handles it. It doesn't make it right, but it could make it understandable. Have you had this come up before? If so, how did you handle it? How are you with him interacting with female friends he may have or females in general for that matter? Knowing that will make a difference to my answer to your situation too.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 7:17am

No, we have never had this problem before of anything close to it.
He has no girlfriends, that is none that are unattached. His buddies
wives are the only females he has contact with and he only sees them
when they are with his buddies.
If he had been honest with me about the call and had wanted to see her
as just a friend and nothing more I would have been fine with that as
long as she brought a date with her and I went with him to the (date).
I have been thinking about just coming out and telling him, "Hey, the
next time Mandy calls to meet her some place, tell her to bring a date
because you'll be bringing your girlfriend along. If there's a reason
why that's not acceptable you better tell me now."
As far as I'm concerned if that isn't acceptable to Mandy than she has
other intentions than just friendship and he should not see her again.
If it's not acceptable to Mike than our relationship is in serious trouble.

More feed back please. Kayla

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 2:33pm

So basically he didn't want you to know and you have no idea how the 'date' went, meaning are they still in contact after the date?

My personal opinion, he's not being considerate of the relationship he has with you. He kept it a secret, might think it's no big deal, but I wonder how he would feel if you did that to him?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:33am

Kayla, I'm so sorry to have *ignored* your response, somehow I missed it. I don't have time to respond tonight, but I wanted you to know that I will be back tomorrow.


(and the fact that my posting tonight will bump it back to the top of the board hopefully will get you more responses!)







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 9:48am

What do you want to accomplish by confronting him with this?

I'm guessing that you will want him to admit he's wrong, apologize, and never, ever do it again. But seeing as how he kept this one from you, how would you know? And he obviously thinks it's okay because he hasn't even told you yet.

I'm usually a confront them with it kind of person but I don't think it would accomplish all that much. You already know what you need to know.... that he thinks it's okay to meet up with a woman without your knowledge. He can tell you nothing happened or whatever... The only thing I can think of is his reaction to you confronting him would say a lot. If he says you are out of line and over-reacting then you know it won't change.

Hmmmm, I just don't know. I think I would be inclined to sit on it for awhile and keep watch to see if he meets up with her again or not.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:05pm

Kayla, since there are no prior instances in your relationship with him I'm guessing that you haven't had any conversations about how each of you feels about being in contact with the opposite sex? What I'm wondering is whether or not he has any idea how you feel about this and whether that could have influenced how he handled the situation.


For me personally, I wouldn't be accepting of your "opposite sex contact okay with others present only" feelings. To me, it would indicate I'm not trusted and have to be watched, or that I'm not capable of not giving in to whatever feeling comes over me. In meeting a friend or ex-boyfriend, I would be open and honest about what I was doing and would be firm on meeting this person on my own, even if it meant facing the wrath of my current boyfriend. It's not a fun place to be, and some would choose to simply have a quiet meeting and hope it's not discovered rather than deal with the "refuse to submit" scene. Don't get me wrong, I would be totally okay with meeting up as a foursome also, but not every time, certainly not the first time, and not ever because I had to.


Are you concerned that he's cheating? Do you think he is? I'm thinking at this point you don't have a history of having an agreement about how the opposite sex is handled (or more to the point how each of you sees it and plans to proceed) and you don't have enough information to point to any wrongdoing, other than his secrecy. I think, with what we know about your situation, at this point you need to let this one go (as far as cheating suspicion) and know that if he is cheating, there will be more discoveries and more secrecy to come. You'll find out sooner or later.


I think at this point probably the best way to handle it is to tell him that you know and ask him why he kept it from you. Maybe it was innocent, but silence indicates a need for secrecy and that's not okay. I'd think having a discussion about how each of you feels about seeing friends and ex's of the opposite sex is definitely in order. You may find that he doesn't agree with your views on handling these situations, but he'd better be willing to say that he feels you are entitled to the same activity that he is.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 9:11am

I totally disagree with you believing that it is ok to associate with a former lover.
This is not a person who he grew up with, the girl next door, or a high school chum.
This is a person whom he has had a sexual relationship with.
When you make a new commitment to share your life with someone else you put those
people in your past to make a new future for yourself with your new love. To make
bonds of love and trust doesn't get built on secret dates with former lovers.
And to answer your other question, NO he would not want me in contact with any man
that I had a sexual relationship with.
I strongly feel that he should not have agreed to see her unless he came foward with
the fact it was her on the phone and that she wanted to get together. He should have
told her in the very beginning that he did not feel right about it unless it was a
four party meeting if I was in agreement about going. Which I would have been.
The moment a person starts to keep secrets such as this in a serious relationship
it can only lead to distrust, hurt, and the eventual disintegration of the relationship.
It is called lying and deceiving, no relationship will withstand that kind of behavior.
Especially when it would not be accepted for the other person in the relationship to
do the same. If you keep this type of thing a secret it is wrong no matter how you
try to justify it.
Thank You Kayla
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 7:49pm
dear kayla,
I totally agree with you on the fact that he hid this from you and it was not right.Especially when he expects you to not do it.I am not saying that he did anything wrong.I mean he could have gone to completly close up some things that he never really resolved.The point is that he might have had good intentions however did not feel that you would have understood them due to your agreement about meeting up with exes.It may have been something he had to do for him and was just not sure how to tell you or if you would understand.Either way it does not make it right.However I believe that you should tell him that you know but when you do make sure not to accuse him of cheating or something.Just ask him how he would feel and tell him that you would like for him to be able to talk to you about anything no matter what the circumstances and when he has these dirty little secrets then it hurts you.Just ask him in a calm manner what is going on and what you teo can do to resolve this matter. ------------------------------Love,Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 3:49am

Wow Kayla, it sounds like I struck a nerve! This is more thoughts and feelings on the subject than we've heard from you since the beginning, and that's a good thing! I'm not saying I'm glad I ticked you off, but I am glad to hear how you're really feeling about this. Some comments:


"I totally disagree with you believing that it is ok to associate with a former lover. This is not a person who he grew up with, the girl next door, or a high school chum. This is a person whom he has had a sexual relationship with." If it's not okay to associate with a former lover, then why would it be okay to do as a foursome? What's the difference, they're still former lovers? What would the point be if it's not okay to have a friendship at this point?


"To make bonds of love and trust doesn't get built on secret dates with former lovers." I absolutely agree with you 100% Kayla. I'll amend what you said to say "To make bonds of love and trust doesn't get built on secret dates with anyone". Secrets cause reason for suspicion and distrust.


"And to answer your other question, NO he would not want me in contact with any man that I had a sexual relationship with. " It sounds like you have had conversations with him about dealing with the opposite sex. If that's the case he should have clearly known that his actions here were off limits -- and if he's gone on record as not being okay with you being in contact with a guy he has absolutely no excuse for doing what wouldn't have been acceptable for you to do. It sounds like he knew what he was doing was wrong when he did it - and from his own standards too.


"I totally disagree with you believing that it is ok to associate with a former lover." And that's fine. I could debate you on it, but there's no reason to do that. You're completely entitled to your opinion and I'm not here to convince you otherwise. There's no problem with you disagreeing with me at all.


"The moment a person starts to keep secrets such as this in a serious relationship it can only lead to distrust, hurt, and the eventual disintegration of the relationship. It is called lying and deceiving, no relationship will withstand that kind of behavior. Especially when it would not be accepted for the other person in the relationship to do the same. If you keep this type of thing a secret it is wrong no matter how you try to justify it." Here again, I could not agree with you more.


"I strongly feel that he should not have agreed to see her unless he came forward with the fact it was her on the phone and that she wanted to get together." I absolutely agree with you on this too, Kayla. All he's done is give you reason to doubt and suspect him, to be less able to believe him. His credibility is damaged. You have to be wondering why he wanted to get together with her, the very fact he'd keep it secret suggests he had more than *innocent* ideas. "He should have told her in the very beginning that he did not feel right about it unless it was a four party meeting if I was in agreement about going." I agree with this too, assuming you'd discussed this issue and agreed that this was how it should be handled. Otherwise, he couldn't have read your mind about how it should proceed, but if he'd talked to you about her call before going further with her, as he should have, you could have come to an agreement on how to handle meeting her.


Before you sounded unsure, not here! You sound a whole lot stronger, more angry and more sure of yourself here than you have in your previous posts. IMO, understanding that there was an understanding between you regarding the opposite sex, knowing that he would not have been accepting of you seeing a former boyfriend, he has clearly and blatantly violated your relationship. I don't know why you'd let that go unmentioned, it's a very big violation in my book.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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