Secret Meeting With Old Girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Secret Meeting With Old Girlfriend
21
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 6:50pm

I would like some feed back on this please.
My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year and a half now.
A few weeks ago he got a phone call from an old girlfriend of his who he
broke up with about a year or so before we met.
They spoke for a while then he hung up, neglecting to tell me anything
about the phone call or who it was with. Then I found out later that it
was his X girlfriend and several days after that phone call he met her
for drinks. He has never mentioned any of this to me. If it hadn't been for
a third party I would never of known.
My question is, should I confront him about this or how should I handle this?
Thanks Kaylalee
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 7:31pm
I think that anytime there is a "secret" about an x-girlfriend or x-boyfriend, there is trouble lurking. I would certainly confront him about it. If he cannot be truthful in the relationship, you don't need to be with him. He should have told you honestly about his x-girlfriend calling, and especially about meeting with her. He should not have done either if he is with you. There are other fish in the sea. I hope you find a good one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 7:46pm
kayla,
so sorry for what you're going through. I know from experience how much it SUCKS to find out you've been decieved either outright or by blatant omission of pertinent information (and an ex-girlfriend is PERTINENT information in anybody's book).
You already know you're going to confront him; better sooner than later. good luck. me, I had to break up with my guy to get the distance I needed to stop hurting over the feelings of betrayal. but that's me. you'll do what you have to do once you hear his "explanation".
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 10:51pm

It really hasn't anything to do with me wanting to go on as a forsome. By me telling
him, sure tell her to bring a date and we'll join them, is just a way for me to
reinforce the fact that we are a couple they are not. Also if this turned out to be
unacceptable for him or her I would of demanded to know what the reasons were. Further
more I have reasons to believe this would of been more acceptable to him than her
and she would of declined the offer and I believe it would of ended her trying to get
together with him.
It was her contacting him after quite awhile apart. He is not the one who put on
40 pounds since he last saw her. It is strickly her doing her best to get back where
they left off maybe because she has had no luck in finding someone since they broke up.
Kayla
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 11:03pm

Thanks, I will confront him but I kind of expected her to make contact with him
again but as far as I know she has not. He's been getting home right on the button
and even alittle early lately. He has been his old self.
One reason I no longer feel threatened by this woman is because my friend that saw
them together said she was about 40 pounds heavier than when they were together and
he didn't look thrilled.
But a lie is a lie and he didn't know what she looked like when he agreed to meet
her. So I am just going to lie in wait until the time is perfect for him to see
and feel exactly what I felt when he did this.
PS. I am a Taurus afterall!!
Kayla
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 11:17pm
Kayla,
Your last post was a real mystery. The whole part about lying in wait until he "feels exactly what you felt". It sounds sneaky and pretty unhealthy actually. I think it's starting to show that you two perhaps really don't communicate well at all. The fact that you're planning a sneak attack on the man you supposedly love is not a good sign. I wasn't expecting that from you because all of the other posts made it sound as if you two have an otherwise "sound" relationship. By trying to make it funny by bringing up the Taurus thing just makes it seem even worse. Why are you so afraid to sit down and talk about this with him? What is the worst that can happen? You've been very hurt by what happened. It's sucky that your friend discovered them out on a date. The truth is you have NO IDEA how long he's been talking to her, how many times he's called her, how many times they've met. You're just filling in the blanks and probably hoping she's only called once and hoping they've only gone out once. The truth you, you really don't know and by not bringing it up and asking him, you're just running on guesses and assumptions. And the whole thing about her being 40 lbs. heavier..well, that means nothing. How can your friend know if he's looking "thrilled" or not? If he is seeing her because he's interested in her for other than friendship why the heck does it matter what she looks like? Isn't the whole point that he's looking at all? I don't know...it all just sounds pretty unhealthy on both ends now. By keeping it in and planning strategies, it just reveals that you two aren't probably where you should be communication wise. Taht should be your focus...not what whether or not he's attractive to overweight women.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 12:54am

Your response here, and the one Popeyesgal refers to are both concerning and really speak of unhealthy, dysfunctional ways of dealing with issues.


In your previous response to me you said you disagreed that it was okay to associate with a previous lover, but in your latest response you said it was just a way to push her to decline. The idea here shouldn't be to play games and manipulate situations and people, it should be open and honest. Saying it's fine to see her as a foursome when that's not what you believe isn't being honest and may just end up backfiring someday.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown



Edited 2/2/2006 2:34 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 1:07am

Your response here and your response to me above are really concerning. They're not at all healthy ways of dealing with issues in a relationship, even if you feel very disrespected.


I agree with Popeyesgal, you seem to by lying in wait so you can perhaps do to him what he did to you. Revenge will only hurt you, your self respect and your credibility. You said it yourself in a response to me: "To make bonds of love and trust doesn't get built on secret dates with former lovers." and you doing the same will be further keeping love and trust from building.


"The moment a person starts to keep secrets such as this in a serious relationship it can only lead to distrust, hurt, and the eventual disintegration of the relationship. It is called lying and deceiving, no relationship will withstand that kind of behavior."Yep, and if you keep secrets and plot your revenge, your actions are leading to only more of the same distrust, hurt and eventual disintegration. When you do it it's also called lying and deceiving and you're further causing the demise of your relationship.


"If you keep this type of thing a secret it is wrong no matter how you try to justify it."Exactly. There is no justifying it.


If you feel the relationship is over because of it, then tell him so, leave and be done with it. But to plot the same actions is putting a lot of venom in yourself, and further destroying the relationship. If it's over, what good is hate and ugliness going to accomplish? And if it's not, why would you want to do something that's certain to cause much more destruction? If it's over, why end with such ugliness when you could walk away with grace and self respect? The real loser will be you.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown



Edited 2/2/2006 1:09 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 8:13am

No, not plotting anything like revenge. Not lying in wait in that respect. I am
waiting for one of his moments when he talks about his ex who cheated on him. He
seldom speaks of her. Also if he gets another phone call from his ex girlfriend I
will ask him "is that(her again)?" and let him know then that I know about the
date night out and that I consider the fact that he kept it all secret that it implies
he had cheating in mind. But if he should bring up his ex that cheated on him, I will
definitly put the question out there as in, "Yes, your ex had secret phone calls with
him and met with him behind your back, just like you just did to me with Mandy."
He is also aware that I to have an ex who calls me about twice a month to get back
together. He is also aware that I have gone to great lengths to end this by changing
my number and even talking to his family to talk to him about ending the phone calls.
I have never taken one of his calls. When opportunity arises I plan on asking Mike
how would he feel If I took Tom's call and later met him for drinks without letting
you know I was doing this.
Mike is very jeleous of other men. He has even confronted men who he feels is looking
to long or some one who whistles at me in passing. He has even tried to start a fight
with one of them in a public store. So I know for a fact that if I were to even talk
to my ex on the phone, let alone meet with him he would feel betrayed. He in turn
would see my side of his betrayal to me very clearly if I were to put it in that
context.
As far as my, I am a taurus comment, we have the (patience) like no other and are
very loyal to the ones we love. We are also very pashionate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 9:32pm

I still encourage you to handle this with maturity and communicate openly with him. Also, you are hell bent on having him "feel what you felt" and you simply cannot control how somebody else feels or how they behave. You can only control yourself. You seem to believe you can manipulate the situation so he will "get it" and see how his actions made you feel. THe thing is, he's not going to get it because of anything you do or don't do: he'll either get it because of life lessons or he won't ever get it at all. By forcing him to see something he's not ready to see, he's only going to resent you.
All you can do here in reality is tell him that you know he went out with her, tell him how his deception has effected you, and lastly, ask him not to do that again. Other than that, nothing else makes sense or is worth your time and energy. Waiting for him to bring up a cheating ex? That could take weeks or years! In the meantime, you plan to stew on this and just wait to "catch him" saying something.
I dare say that you two should probably rethink your commitment and really learn new ways of being together (for example, he sounds really insecure and when you talk about picking fights with men who look at you! that's not a compliment to you...it's embarrassing for him) before you consider marriage or kids.
I ask you again- what is the worst that can happen by talking with him about this???? Are you afraid he'll leave you if you ask him not to see her again? Are you afraid he'll accuse you of being a snoop? Are you afraid you might hear that they've been dating again behind your back?? What's really going on here Kayla?

I hope it works out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 11:23pm

"she was about 40 pounds heavier than when they were together and
he didn't look thrilled."

That comment was just awful.... your happy that he wasn't thrilled that she's put on weight... ?
hrm how about when you've just had his baby and still trying to lose those kilos you've piled on, how would you feel when he doesn't look to thrilled at you? That's just so shallow of him.

And also, you actually don't know what intentions his ex has. I mean she might have just wanted to meet with him and apologise for cheating on him and that is it..

I agree he so shouldn't have lied about it!!! Coz that does sound suss!