Seeking Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2005
Seeking Advice
9
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 10:20am

My girlfriend (we've lived together for almost four years now) has been acting distant over the past few months, nothing blatant, but definitely a difference you can feel. She has been working significantly later hours, and comes off as pretty vague about what she is actually doing at work, and rarely answers her phone when at work. I have asked repeatedly if anything is wrong, or if anything is going on, and she simply tells me no.

Last week, she suddenly had a work outing come up on a Sunday, supposedly her group got tickets to a sports event, and they were meeting up downtown to hang out and go to the game. So she went out around noon, and did not return until 1AM. She did not call once the entire time, despite telling me she would call after the game was out. While she was out, I finally gave into doubt, and suspicion and decided to poke around her computer. What I found were very recently taken digital pictures of her, that were essentially solo porn. Additionally, I found evidence that she had been chatting online as well. To make matters worse, the time stamp on the pictures was when I was out of state visiting my Family over Thanksgiving. She has always gone with me for Thanksgiving, but backed out at the last minute this year, and supposedly went to visit her family. Apparently she came home early.

Since she did not get in until 1AM, I ended up confronting her on the situation the next morning. I asked her again, was there something she wanted to talk with me about, and she said no, so I asked her point blank about the pictures and all she did was deny there was anything wrong, and tried to minimize the situation claiming they were for me, despite them being several weeks old, and having never shown them to me. I asked about the chatting online, and she denied it, and then only grudgingly acknowledged it when I told her I knew for a fact she had been chatting online, and again tried to minimize the situation. I told her she needed to be honest with me, and she said she was being honest with me, and that she just wanted a more attention, and romance, and despite the pictures, and the chatting nothing was really going on. At that point I accepted that at value even though she really never actually admitted to anything, so much as being forced to acknowledge black and white proof. We agreed to talk more, and try and be more open about what is going on.

Well the week has progressed, and she is still working late, and in fact is coming home progressively later, and even came home drunk from a holiday party. She has not wanted to talk about the situation, at all, so in absolute frustration, I tried guessing the password to one of her e-mail accounts, was successful, got in, and saw all my suspicions confirmed. E-mail after e-mail between her and some guy, talking sex, her telling him she loves him, and very a strong indication that they have been physically intimate on more then one occasion. The e-mails were dated as recently as that day, which was after our conversation earlier in the week about supposedly talking more, and trying to be more open, and honest.

I confronted her with the e-mails, and at first there was denial (nothing was going on), then it was just "phone sex", then they had met face to face, but "only" kissed, and not actually slept together. This progression only came out because I was relentless in questioning her, and even at that I don't think she was completely honest, since the e-mails suggest they have been fully intimate on multiple occasions.

I have told her I no longer trust her, and will mostly likely leave the relationship. She has begged me to stay, said she would change, pleaded with me to reconsider.

I really am torn, I don't want to throw away five years of my life (most of which have been good), but how can I get over what happened? How can get back trust that has been so totally broken? How can I live with perpetual doubt and mistrust?

Is this situation recoverable, or am I just fooling myself to think there is any recourse other then to leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 10:54am

The situation is recoverable provided your gf thinks she did something wrong and wants to change. If she continues to deny that she really did anything or to downplay/minimize, then she won't change her behaviours. And she would have to be 100% honest with you about where she is, what she is doing, computer activity, etc. You do realize that the pictures weren't for you, and I'm fairly certain they wouldn't be for her use.

If you BOTH want to work it out and the behaviors change you CAN work through this and over time rebuild trust and repair your relationship. I'm biggest concern is that it took coercion to get her to fess up to anything, and even then she's trying to wiggle out of it and downplay it. Plus then refusing to talk about it once it started coming out into the open. That signals to me that she has no intentions of changing and likes things this way.

I can't tell you whether you should stay or go. That is your call alone. You might consider an alternative, and that is to separate for awhile but still date and give time for the behaviors to change and STAY changed. Anyone can change for a little bit of time and then it gets easy to slip back.

I'm sorry you have to be dealing with all this. It isn't fair. Unfortunately it's the way it is.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 12:21pm

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Some couples do recover from infidelity but I think it's very much the exception not the rule. Cheating is basically a result of the cheater's having values that, under the circumstances he or she is in, allow him or her to rationalize cheating. So she would need to change her underlying values, and that is a very, very hard thing to do. It can be done, but only with lots of hard work and motivation.

You might benefit from reading or even posting on the Betrayed Spouse Support board, even though you're not married. The common themes for those who have successfully rebuilt seem to be, true remorse and atonement for cheating, going to counseling, and the cheater making their life an open book to the betrayed SO in order to rebuild trust.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 7:23pm

you write: "I really am torn, I don't want to throw away five years of my life (most of which have been good), but how can I get over what happened? How can get back trust that has been so totally broken? How can I live with perpetual doubt and mistrust?"

Shattered trust is hard to repair. It can be recovered to a point, but it will never be what it was before the incident went down. Plus, there has to be a committed willingness on your part to forgive her, and she has to relinquish her relationship with this other guy. The question is: will she do it or will she remain, basically, a dishonest person?

Living with perpetual doubt and mistrust is unacceptable--that's not fair to you or to her. If you don't/won't trust her (will she ever make your mind feel at ease?), then let her go be with that guy. Perpetually making her life a living hell doesn't make the world spin backwards to the moment before you rummaged through her computer and read her emails.

You get over it by making up your mind to do everything in your power and use every tool at your disposal to get over it. You move on. You don't pine for what will never be.

you write: "Is this situation recoverable, or am I just fooling myself to think there is any recourse other then to leave?"

It is recoverable ONLY IF she relinquishes the relationship with the other guy... couples therapy might be a good thing, if both of you are ammenable to that and want your relationship. If you don't take some steps to get at the reasons why she felt justified in not only taking up with this guy, but lying in your face about her intentions and actions, she will continue to be duplicitous, you will continue to be mistrustful of her... and there's no sense in putting yourself through that.




Edited 12/17/2005 7:25 pm ET by quenek
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 10:04pm

Everyone gave you some great advice. I only want to add the following - sorry I'm going to be blunt here, because it's late and I get that way when I'm tired - LOL

If she LOVED you, she would have told you way back when that she wanted more romance, more flirting, more attention, instead she hooked up with someone else (co-worker?) who showered her with flattery and made her feel 'in love', wanted and desired. Worse she let it cross the line, because she was/is addicted to the 'high' the sneaking around provides, the attention the guy gives her, how it makes her feel.

People fall in love and stay in love not because of how they feel about the person they are with, but how they feel about themselves while they are with that person.

Now, here's the really horrible part - this guy, his attention, flattery, affection has in effect KEPT her in the relationship with you - it (the affair, him, email, sex, etc) has given her something to look forward to, makes her heart soar, makes her feel everything she has stopped feeling with you.

Now, say she agrees to counseling, provides full accountablity - password, cell phone access, home every night on time, will she still have to work with the guy if it's a co-worker? How will she handle that? Also, she will have to grieve for the loss of his attention, affection, flirting....in a sense she will have to heal from a broken heart if she decides to end things with him.

Think about it. What the right thing for you? What can you live with?




Edited 12/17/2005 10:09 pm ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2005
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 12:43am

I want to thank you all for your advice. The thoughts expressed by everyone echo the thoughts in my own head, but when I see it posted in black and white, coming from you folks, it is somehow much more clear then the emotional jumble that is in my head.

I have a lot to think about, and some pretty crappy choices to make, but at least I know my head is screwed on right at this point.

Thanks again for all your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 4:57am

dazednconfusedguy, I agree with most of what has been said to you. Especially about her having to take full responsibility for her actions and take steps to ensure that it won't happen again. However, there is just one thing that I'd like to comment on.

Itwinflame said "If she LOVED you, she would have told you way back when that she wanted more romance, more flirting, more attention, instead she hooked up with someone else... ".

Having been the cheater in a relationship, I can tell you that for me, it was far from being a black and white decision like as described above. In my case, I didn't even know WHY I was cheating. As it turned out, the reasons WERE a search for romance, attention and flirting, but at the time I wasn't aware of it.

Sometimes it's not till all the dust settles and one looks at what they've done objectively - that they can actually see WHY it happened.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 1:48pm

First I would like to say I am so sorry you have to go through this. I went through a similar situation about a year ago and I do want to tell you that it is repairable. It is going to be extremely hard and emotionally difficult but it can be fixed.

Me and my BF had what I like to refer to as our "4 year freak out." I was making it very clear, every day, that I was ready to get married and he in turn was making it very clear that he wasnt so every day we were butting heads. So after 3 months of this I decided that it would be best if I went to stay with my mom for a week or two to figure out how to get things back to normal. Even though me and my BF called this a "break" we had both made a promise, not enforced by me, that we would not get physical with anyone of the opposite sex. Little did I know, a co-worker of his had been sending signals his way for almost 6 months. She even went as far as to get her friend to ask my BF when our lease was up and if he was going to leave me when it did run up, hinting around that he should be her new roomate. (ugh! I'm gagging!) I was totally in the dark about this and had no idea that grown women acted this way. When I returned from my mother's, me and my BF were sitting down having a very serious conversation about our relationship when she just so happen to call. That was when the sh*t hit the fan. I too had to grab it out of him what had happend, and he still swears up and down to this day that they only kissed but since this piece of trash lived up the street from us (I didnt know that either at the time) I have my doubts. But still that trust had been broken. That was the first time in my life I had ever been betrayed in such a manner. I truly did not think that anyone in my life would ever do something like that to me. Call me niave but I swear I fully trusted him and there was no doubt in my mind of misdoing.

After the truth came out I didnt think things would ever be the same. And I am only telling you this for your own sake, but a day came, about 2 months after it had happend, that I was ready to forgive him and move on. It was like a light bulb went off in my head and it said "Dont worry everythings going to be ok, you can forgive him now" and so we started to rebuild the trust back. He did have to open his life like a book, literally, every second as far as I was concerned had to be accounted for no matter what it involved. Even though this was a co-worker I was ok with him still working there (even though he knew I didnt like it and vowed that he would try and find another job but we do live in a small city so I knew it would take time because like everyone else, we do have bills to pay) but after 4 months he found a new job and has been there ever since and the most wonderful thing about this job....he works with all men :) I know that sounds a little selfish on my part, but he found the job not me so I just consider it a little perk for me :) We also started fresh in a new apartment far away from the old one along with its horrible memories and through the whole thing he did not complain once and simply said "Whatever is going to make you feel better I want us to do it" It was as simple as that for him so I knew he really was sorry and didnt want that to happen again. I will admit that when all the sh*t first hit the fan, he was resistant to owning up to everything, blaming me in part for pushing him away with the pressure of marriage, which I can see where that would have made him feel cornered but after the dust had settled he said that everything that occured during that time was a direct result of his selfishness and he doesnt want to let anything like that happen again and vowed to never even let it get that close.

But the point of all this is she has to be fully open to whatever you ask of her if she wants you to trust her again. Its going to be hard, for you and her, but if she is heavily resistant then her heart is not in it. And if she is being honest about wanting to change, she might come around to owning up to her mistakes. Maybe thats just her, and all cheaters, way of defending themselves when they know they have been caught. Maybe they have just sunk to a level so low they dont know what else to do but deny it and try and make excuses for it. I dont know because I'm not a cheater but self defense is human nature right? Not trying to make excuses for her but she is human.

A year has passed since our incident and we do have trust again. Sometimes we have our moments where we question little things about the other person but it just gets brushed aside because I really dont think either of us would do anything to jepordize our lives after everything we have been through. All the changes we have made, moving, new job, etc., have led us into a complete new chapter in both of our lives and if I had to go through that to get where I am now then its ok with me. Not only have things changed between me and him but for me I gained so much from that experience. I have a different sense of trust for people and I am not as niave as I used to be. I just wanted to share my experience with you so you could see the changes that we went through to repair our relationship and build back the trust. I hope this helps you decide if you are up for this type of mental and emotional work but I promise if things do work out for you guys you will be glad that things unfolded the way they did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2005
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 9:36pm

I want to thank you for sharing your story with me. I've been so caught up in the dealing with my own situation that I have not had an opportunity to respond. Its encouraging to know that some couples do manage to mend the situation, and learn to trust again. My own situation is still sketchy, as things have gone from bad, to improved (at least superficially), back to lousy as I realized that my girlfriend was still not being totally up front with me.

At this point we are most likely going to separate for a time, and see what happens. If our relationship was meant to be, we will make it work somehow, even if it means starting over from square one. Hopefully in time I will learn to forgive as you did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 9:25am
Good luck with things and I hope you get through this. You seem to have a good plan in place and its probably best that you seperate if she's not giving you 110%. Good luck again and let us know how things go :)