Selfish????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2009
Selfish????
8
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 9:17am
My boyfriend and I have been together off and in for 4 years...we moved in together about 3 months ago. It has really been an emotional rollercoaster...

A little background....my bf is 35 and has full custody of his 10year old son and has since he was an infant...the mother is not at all involved in the child's life..she lives in another state..doesn't call..write..send bday cards or monetary support...my bf has been married before and from what I hear he married her for all the wrong reasons..mainly to hv a mother for his child..someone to care for him while he worked and did whatever...he since divorced...maybe 1 year later..his mom comes to live with him because she was having some problems so in turn she had to be his full time sitter.she did everything for the child..cook..clean..homework..laundry..

Myself..I am 39 and my children are 17 and 21..neither lives at home. I have raised my children and not looking to be a full time parent again...Mind U...I explained this to him 6 months into our relationship!!! I gave him the option to stay or to..he stayed...I didn't mind spending time with his son when I could..helping him do homework..taking him places..buying him things ect....

So now that we live together..he is slowly trying to get me to pretty much take over as care giver for his son..not something I am willing to do...I am used to coming and going as I please..resting when I want or seeing friends when I want....We both work full time..he gets tired and so do I...I come home some days and cook but sometimes I don't.!! We share in the chores around the house..mainly I keep up with laundry and inside the home and he does yardwork..

Well yesterday he came home from picking up his son from an after school program..which I don't agree with because he sends him there everyday and doesn't pick him up to almost 7 pm..mind u..his school is 2 blocks away from home..I think he does it because they help him with homework so he don't have to...anyway..he comes in and says " I feel like I'm bymyself..what am I here for"?????..He was mad because he has to go pick his son up everyday as I refuse to do it...Keep in mind to that my bf gets off work everyday around 1pm...I don't feel there is any reason for that child not to come home on time a few days a week. After he said what he said to me..I told him I feel as if he wants to push his responsibility off on some one else and he always has...I also explained to him that I was a single parent and had to do it ALL and Never expected anyone I was dating to take on my parenting..as long as they were kind and respectful around them it was enough for me..and if they wanted to do more..fine..if not..that's fine too because I am responsible for them ultimately...

After I said that he blew a gasket!! He says we are supposed to be a couple and I should take on way more with his son...I disagree..he wants me to do it because he doesn't want to..that's my feeling. I want to be able to do what I want to do when I want to do it with his son..I'm not going to be forced or bullied....Am I being selfish????
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 9:50am
I personally think if you should reconsider this relationship.

He may have initially agreed to your boundaries, but it seems pretty evident that he does not intend to honor them.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 10:06am

Yeah; wow. I would think alot of compromising has to be done with this.. I mean why cant your guy pick up the kid a few days a week or figure out other arrangements..Its not like he is an infant.. or anything but does need some care and attention. You told your boyfriend you werent doing this. You were honest and now its a bait and switch...Your boyfriend went back on his word but his actions from the past didnt change who he is.. Past behavior predicts future behavior and he is classic textbook..

Sorry but it sounds like the kid would have been better off with his grandmother..

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2009
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 10:44am
I agree with all of u...@ UK girl..yes it should hv been a deal breaker but I wanted the man..other than this all is good but I know its big enough on its own...believe me..I hv suggested numerous times that maybe he needs a woman who is still raising kids or wants them...he always insisted he DID NOT want a woman with children..( ????? )...and he says he wants to stay with me good times and bad...I understand he wants the best for his son...but I can't give him what he wants..I will have this conversation AGAIN with him today..thanks everyone
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
In reply to: itchick
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 12:58pm

You say you "wanted the man", well, that man "comes with a child"....and his son will forever be his to raise and be responsible for.  I can see how you don't want to be the primary caregiver for your bf's son, but to be completely hands off is rather extreme as well.  This is going to be an ongoing struggle until you two can come with a compromise.  How often do you see your kids, even though they are grown, I'm sure you still have a relationship with them?   It's pretty funny that this man was not interested in a woman with children, because she may have been just what he needed.   The person I feel bad for in this scenario is the innocent kid in the middle.  He's had no choices, he's completely dependent upon his father and whatever (poor) decisions he makes.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2009
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 3:00pm
Never said I was completely hands off..that's not the case..just not as hands on as he would like. And yes I see my children Often..I don't feel bad about the way I feel either...I need to be happy too. Nobody is keeping him and his son here but him..I also feel bad for the child but this has been a problem long before me..We are speaking about this later..if he can't respect my feelings in this I'm willing to walk away..I want them happy but I'm willing to bet he will want to stay...and so do I if he can accept my terms. Thanks for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 4:21pm

I don't think you're being selfish at all. You are being HONEST.  My 4 DD's are all in their twenties now and I cherish my own time to do what I want when I want now.  Most people do once they get used to their empty nest. 

It does seem he's pulling an old "bait and switch" on you. You TOLD him you didn't want the responsibility of raising another child and now he's not listening.  This reminds me of someone on the "Making a Second Marriage Work" board who was reeled in by a man with a 6 year old daughter.  He did the same thing...expecting her to take on more and more responsibility for watching her and taking care of her.  She has now moved out and is divorcing him.  I guess I agree with another poster...if you don't want to raise another child, don't get involved with someone who has one. 

My dh was single for many years while raising his 3 boys alone and KNEW he wasn't going to get involved with someone who had kids.  He did date a woman with 4 kids for a while, but ended it knowing this.  I, too, knew I didn't want to raise any more, so felt secure when dh and I met because HIS youngest was 16 and mine 17.  The problem is...kids don't always go away as planned.  My youngest is away at college, so right where she belongs, but HIS DS19 is STILL living with us and I don't see that ending any time soon as he has no license, no car and lots of fines to pay off due to his drug use and DUI.  Dh and I have had to have MANY conversations about what I what I WILL and WON'T do for his son...from giving him rides (I won't if he wants to go "play" with friends) to picking up after him (won't do that either).  I know it ticks him off as he knows these are things I did for my own DDs, but, as I told HIM...this is HIS kid, HIS responsibilty, not mine. 

When you say you love the man...I totally get it because I have only stayed with dh (we just married last year) ONLY because I love him and because he doesn't hold my feelings for his son against me.  He heard me which it doesn't sound like your SO is doing.  And, if he doesn't...I'd say run and find yourself a man whose kids are grown like yours. At age 10...you will have a LONG haul with his child.  I don't know how much longer I'D give this relationship. 

Good luck and keep us updated!