Selfsish Younger Man...Arrrrggghhhh!!!!
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 04-25-2006 - 9:05pm |
Okay...here's the short version of my problem...
He..is a 23 year old, generally very sweet guy who treats me well. Not terribly romantic, but I think he does is best and he is definitely my biggest cheerleader. He has narcolepsy and is in a very intense trade school program so that, as you can imagine, can be a real strain on us being able to spend quality time together. He does however, have a real selfish streak (don't we all) and rather then talk about issues we may be having will throw a fit and stomp off to the bedroom like I just started world war three-no matter how calmly and blamelessly I approach things. He comes from a well-off family, and is used to getting things his way.
Me...a 25 year old, somewhat neurotic, artsy type. I have several interests of my own, so I try to make use of the massive amounts of time he has too sleep, as best I can. I tend to be a little paranoid of others, but overall, like meeting different kinds of people, going to concerts, etc. I am what you might call a "go getter". I come from a blue collar family that has had to struggle quite a bit. So as you can imagine I have a really strong work ethic.
We...moved 2000 miles away from our home, friends, etc so that he could attend school (I had already finished my schooling and was working in a corporate job that I hated). Overall, things between us have never been better (partly because we aren't around his loser, bad influence friends). Currently, I have returned to school myself to get an associates in a field I am more interested in. We live in the perfect apartment, in the perfect neighborhood, and I can say that things are mostly perfect.
So you say...whats the problem then? That's just it...I'm not really sure. Here's the thing, now that you have the background on the major commitment we've made. Because of his narcolepsy and school schedule-oh and living together-it is hard to have "quality" not boring time together. This doesn't really seem to bother him, but it kind of bugs me. Well anyways, it seems like he has no problem obligating us to hang out with his friends from school on the only nights that we can do stuff together. Actually, it seems like he goes way more out of his way for them than for me. This is a real drag because I do all of the housework, etc. So I am starting to feel very resentful about him not seeming to care about making time for me. Last night, I very calmly and not accusatorily told him that my feelings were hurt that this past weekend, he seemed to make plans with everybody but me. Rather than giving me any feedback whatsover, he stomped off to the bedroom and went to sleep. I went in there and told him that I thought it was really childish and selfish that he couldn't even look at things from my point of view and that he was being a major brat. This morning-even though I think I am completely right-I apologized. I has not apologized or even said anything about the fight last night. It pretty much seems like he just thinks that I am trying to pick a fight and won't even look at it from my point of view.
Now...I really don't know what to do. The day after these things (which are very rare) he is always very standoffish and "detached". I get super nervous and eager to please and then even more upset because I don't feel "safe" or secure that we are ok.
What do y'all think I should do next? Because part of me really wants to bring it up again, but part of me just wants to act like I never said anything at all.

I think you've got some pretty serious problems. Problems won't be resolved if you don't talk about them, and clearly, he doesn't't intend to talk about them. Being standoffish and detached the next day is his way of "threatening" you into staying away from the issue -- and it works. If you don't resolve your problems I guarantee they will pile up either until there are too many problems for the relationships to withstand or there is no relationship left at all. I would suggest talking to him on the subject of discussing and resolving problems at at time when things are good and there are no current issues between you. Tell him you need to be able to talk about problems. If he starts his stomping off, tell him that eventually this will destroy the relationship. You can't make him talk, but you can try to talk at a time when he doesn't feel like he has anything to defend and isn't being attacked -- not that you're attacking him, but you need to approach this as evenly as possible. Agree how and when you'll discuss problems. Agree that you, as well as what you want and need, count equally in the relationship. Things like housework should be shared, no question. Time together and time with friends should be balanced. Bear in mind, you cannot make him be different than he chooses to be, and for some reason, I have a feeling he's not going to be accepting of any of this. Here's hoping I'm wrong.
I have to tell you another huge red flag I see is his "loser, bad influence friends". These are the people he chose as friends, chose to be with, prefers in his life. You cannot change him by "getting him away from them". He chooses to be with that kind of people, he will simply find new ones. Thinking you can get him away from them is controlling thinking. You don't choose his friends, he does. What you do is pay close attention to who he chooses as friends and consider carefully what kind of people they are. If you don't like them, don't approve, that should tell you something about him and about your compatibility to him, not them. He's choosing friends over you now, doesn't sound like much has changed. He may have grown up well off, but he doesn't have servants now. He's an adult and is responsible for his own environment. If he's not willing to do his share of the housework, especially if he believes he shouldn't have to, it's saying something about his beliefs about himself (entitlement), women, and you. Pay attention to what his actions are telling you. They will clearly tell you what's what.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi Raptor-Style.
I very much agree with cl-2nd life. But I'll put it into my own words.
I think that instead of addressing this single issue, you need to look at the big picture. Solving one issue at a time is not going to resolve the underlying problem. That is, his lack of ability to communicate.
I think that you've seen his true colours and it doesn't sound like he will be happy about discussing the issues, let alone changing his ways. So I ask this question to you: Can you imagine staying with him for the rest of your life? Can you imagine having him stomp off every time you have a problem for the rest of your life? It's not a nice thought is it?
In short, I believe that the ability to communicate is the #1 most important thing a person can give to a relationship. And without having clear communication lines (both in espressive and receptive communication) the relationship will never be a healthy one.