Separated after 25 years of marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Separated after 25 years of marriage
10
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 3:38pm

I'm 45 years old, my daughter is 15 and my husband is 50. We've been separated for 6 months now and in that time we've only tried to sit down 3 times to talk about our situation. Our communication is just terrible. We tried counseling but that was a waste of time. On my husbands part, he didn't put much effort into it. I felt I did. I tried inviting him to dinner to talk about things and he kept putting it off. This all started with him having 'good friend' and co-worker who is a female. We'll call her Dee. Now Dee would constantly be calling and texting my husband throughout the day. My husband and Dee had the same work schedule and would sometimes do things during the day with her children and my daughter. The way I would find out about these outings was from my daughter. One time, my husband left his phone on the counter Dee had sent him a text. Yes, I read it. She was telling him about her papsmear she had to get. She went into great detail which I felt was inappropriate. There were times when me and my husband would be watching TV and out of the blue he'd say, "I wonder what Dee is doing." or "I hope Dee's alright." We separated for about a week 2 years ago because of this and my husband promised he and Dee wouldn't communicate so much when he was at home. That only lasted for a little while. It started up again and I tried to put my foot down and told him the texting and the calls need to stop. I didn't trust Dee. She is the type of woman that tries to make 'good friends' with other married husbands in the past and at one time one of the wives confronted Dee and told her to stay away. I've never confronted her. My husband has left me because Dee has had cancer and all he's trying to do is be a good friend to her. I'm not sure if that's all the reason. I had let that emotional affair go on for too long without saying anything but I had to finally say stop. Well, now my husband has moved out. We tried talking about 2 weeks ago about our situation and I asked him if he still loves me. He told me at that moment he doesn't and that he's so angry with me. Is this how most men are when it comes to these type of situations? Is this a little extreme for him to move out because I said that Dee cannot call or text him anymore? Should I have a talk with Dee to find out more information? Afterall, she's the one I feel is pursuing my husband. Please let me know. I'm not sure I should move onto filing for a divorce just yet. I just feel in my heart that my husband is going to come around and realize he made a mistake by leaving me and his daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 8:00pm

Neither was I, and until your H gives you a reason to be jealous you probably  won't be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 7:58pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 6:12pm

Hello ukgirl82.  Thank you so much for your response.  I'm printing out all the replies to remind myself that I need to go on with my life. I appreciate your advice. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 11:50am

Hi Peaceyma!... You're right. That's the same advice I got from a male co-worker. I do need to give him an ultimatum. I really hope that he comes to his senses. But like I responded to someone else's post. Everyday it is getting easier for me. I'm not missig him like I used to. My mind isn't wondering like it used to. I appreciate your advice.  Thank you! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 2:56am
Your welcome. Right now he's infatuated with/thinks he's in love with her, otherwise he wouldn't have left his family. And there isn't much you can do when a person is in that state of mind. This is one of those things that could burn itself out quickly when he sees her on a daily basis and really gets to know her. In reality he may not like what he sees when this relationship moves past the infatuation stage. Could be going thru a midlife crisis too. I wouldn't rush into filing for a D just yet, but I would give him an ultimatum at some point. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 1:14am

True.blue.strine.  I appreciate your response. I'm going to printout out the responses for that encouragement I need every now and then. I must admit that it's getting a little better everyday. Somedays are really bad.  That's when I'll have to read these posts.  Thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 1:12am

Thank you so much for responding Peaceyma!  I think do about that too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 8:03pm

Chilepino, I also answered you on another baord.

>>Let him go see if the "grass is greener" he may find out quickly that it's not , or he may not. Question is will you want him back if it takes him 6 months to find out? <<

Peaceyma makes a good point.   If the marriage was a good one, he may have found that the grass isn't greener with her.    But as your marriage suffered problems, it's possible that ending the marriage is the right thing to do.    You may find greener grasses without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 7:43pm
Let him go see if the "grass is greener" he may find out quickly that it's not , or he may not. Question is will you want him back if it takes him 6 months to find out?