Seperated

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2011
Seperated
13
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 12:06pm

Hi all i'm back. Last month I posted a disscusion entitled Fear. Since then things haven't gotten better between my husband and I. He would tell me he wants things to work but his actions through email and other things that I found out said differently. He would contridict himself alot in his emails and I got tired of it. He said he wasnt tryin to blame only me but reading the emails he put all the blame on me for the state that out marriage is in. I finally told him if its seperated that you want then its seperated ur gettting. I cry just about every other night, I have bad headaches and necks pains, and dealing with the 4 kids i'm just stressed. He said he is not asking for a divorce he just thinks we may need a break. He is dealin with all kindofs demons and he is not sure where his life is headed anymore or whats gonna make him happy. He realizes after all these years of being together that he just wasnt ready for the life he chose, not while we were just dating and not when he got married. He still has temptations and he doesnt wanna keep hurting me in the process and he has messed up so much he doesnt know how to get things back or if we can recover, so all he wants to focus on his his business plans. I told him fine I am tired of being the only one willing to fight for this marriage and if he wants us to work again he needs to fight, and I left it at that. Since then he still constantly calls me making it even harder than it already is. He textes me not to shut him completely out cause he is still lonely being that he is in afghan. I don't understand he clearly has stated and shown he doesnt want this so why does he feel the need to call and ask me to still show him attention? I know the type of person I am I will do it fall for it and as soon as he gets back to the states and have access to life again and not stuck overseas his whole attitude is gonna change. Its like u need me know but what happens when

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: mommie24
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 2:27pm
It sounds like he is really conflicted as to what he wants. What I think happened is that his life (getting married and having 4 kids) just moved along faster than he was ready to handle, and now he is conflicted. This type of thing happens a lot, especially when people marry young and start having children young. Their life moves along at a much faster pace (and with a lot more responsibility) than they are ready to handle. Often times they feel trapped in a lifestyle they weren't ready for. In your husbands case, I'm sure him being over in afghan is adding to the pressure he is feeling right now. He is calling and texting you all the time because he doesn't want to lose you and his family. I think that shows that he still really loves you, and wants you in his life, however conflicted he is. .Really, I would suggest he go get some counseling to help him sort things out in his head. And it would be a good thing for you to get some also. I really hope you can work all this out. Maybe it's just the separation that is causing a lot of the stress too, and when he comes home you two could go to marriage counseling together and work things out. If you both still love each other there is hope that you two can work this out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
In reply to: mommie24
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 6:35pm
Hi Mommie,

I'm sorry to hear that things got worse. Is he still interacting with those women he cheated with? I recall that was also one of the problems he couldn't seem to shake.

It's really too bad that he can "call for a break" while he sort things out for himself. I mean - can you even imagine if YOU wanted to do such a thing? It wouldn't work, you're the mom, kids rely on you. How fortunate he can check out for a while and you keep the household going. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

What is he doing in Afghanistan?

Individual counseling for both is about all I could consider at this point.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
In reply to: mommie24
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 12:58am

Sorry for coming in so late ~

For those who are unfamiliar or need a refresher, Mommie24's previous post can be found here:

Fear


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
In reply to: mommie24
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 1:34am

Mommie, can you fill us in on the history?


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2011
In reply to: mommie24
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 9:44am
Yes he has been married b4. When we started seeing eachother he was going through the divorce. We didnt get exclusive until everything was finalized. We dated 4 years before he ask me to marry him. Some 8 to 9 months later we got married. I was fine with being engaged, i felt he loved me and everything would fall together because I knew I was in love with this man. He actually came to me and asked why were we waiting why was I waiting he was ready to marry me this was months after the engagement. I was surprised cause most men wouldnt even ask. So I felt he was ready I knew I was but I wanted to make sure he was so I never pressed him on the subject it was always him. Thats why it throws me for a loop to hear him say he just wasnt ready.

Yes he has cheated recently, throughout the marriage i'm not sure.

From his emails he was saying so much of the same making excuses blaming me and not really taking responsibilty for his action. He would start off apologizing and then its back to blaming me etc. He was like maybe we just need to seperate for awhile cause I know I cant be what I need 2 be to u right now. So I was like ok. Now I see ur point, what was the point in seperating when we already live apart because he is deployed. Someone asked y was he in Afghan, he is a civilian contractor.

What I was saying about when he comes home is he wants me to still show him attention/affection while we r seperated because he is feelin lonely overseas and really cant do much, but what happens if I let my guard down and be there for him get my hopes up on us again and he comes back to the states where he has access to life again and all the temptation, he will be singing a differ tune. He wont be callin as much as he do now or texting. When he comes back off this contract he will be working out of another state. Thats how all this mess started in the 1st place. He took a new contract that allowed him to be in the states more so that meant he would see us more the down side was we still would be living seperate but he would come home on the weekends. This started in march of 2010 with the new contract. B4 then it was straight overseas contract, come home on vacation and head back. So we thought taking the new state/overseas contract would be better, but somehow in the pit of my stomach i felt it was a bad move but I wanted to support him. Long story short things start to slowly change when he took the new contract and was stayin in a differ states than me and the kids.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
In reply to: mommie24
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 12:21am

Thanks for the additional information, Mommie, it was helpful.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2011
In reply to: mommie24
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 10:54am
Everything seem selfish at this point. I never looked @ the seperation as an excuse for him to get out there and do his thing without feeling guilty about it, I should have thought about that.

We got married at the ages of 27 and 28. We have had our share of problems but nothing like this. Yes this is the first time our marriage has been this bad.


When he say he is fighting demons, I guess he is finding it hard to stay faithful. He loves being out he loves the night life, he dont see himself slowing down etc. Thats what i am getting from the emails I have recieved and the phone conversations we have had.

May take on it is this not to be vulger or explicit. He came home start workin in the a different state, had his own apartment w/ roommates. He didnt have to come home to a wife and 4 kids everyday. He felt a new freedom. He slowly started to change in behavior and I asked him if anything was going on and of course he told me no, All this started last march 2010. I had a gut feeling things werent right. I kept asking he kept denyin. It cause me to shut down and not really communicate with him. A few more months go by and things really are different. He was still coming home everyother weekend. He would come home with food and claim he forgot to get me something but got everyone else something that was a sign to me. He has never forgot to get me something to eat. Affection was there but i could tell something was off. When we would try to be intimate nothing would happen, we have never had that issue before. After serveral other times like that I knew something was wrong. He tried to throw me off by telling me he think he had a problem and needed to go see a doc for erectile dysfunction. I didnt buy it for a second. Bottom line it all came down to him getting it from this other woman and i guess it was that good. Things fell apart from there. Now because he had a taste of a different life he is confused. I would need to personally email you to put everything together cause I know bits and pieces could be confusing cause its a lot that I am tryin not to put of there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: mommie24
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 12:40pm

Yes I think you hit the nail on the head. He got a taste of freedom away from the real life responsibility of a wife and 4 kids and started to live life like a single man when you were separated. Never a good thing to let a MM go off and live with other male room mates (especially when their single) and let him see how much fun their having without any responsibility. He fell right into the same lifestyle as his room mates. Now he's torn between his new found freedom and his obligation as a husband and father to do right by his family. The guilt he feels is probably getting to him and that is why he feels the need to keep calling and texting you. Now that he's torn between the 2 lifestyles he don't know what to do. He really does need to see a counselor to straighten this all out in his head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
In reply to: mommie24
Tue, 03-08-2011 - 12:56pm
There seems to be much more than the eye can see here ! There are many people who go on work to different places , sometimes even more than a year but they dont forget their responsibilities / duties etc.

Sounds like your husband is genuinely looking for an out.

I 100% agree with 2nd_life on " He wants you to continue to be there for him, but he's not going to be there for you " , apart from other things she said.

Your are busy trying to keep the family while he is having a free single life and having family on the side to whom he can take back or leave, depending on his mood.

Cant you join him ?
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
In reply to: mommie24
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 1:06am

I'm not sure you understood me, Mommie, I didn't ask if this is the first time your marriage has been "this bad", I asked if you'd had trouble before. I'm also not sure why you feel you'd need to email me with more details rather than post them here.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_

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