Sexless marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2006
Sexless marriage
9
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 7:31pm
I need some help/advice. My wife and I haven't had sex in probably 6 years. There is something that I just can't get past. Long story short. Back in the late 90's, she and her sister went to a "spa" or something. And for some reason she had her upper lip waxed. She did not need to have it done. Since then she has shaved her upper lip and chin.(i have seen her doing it in the shower). Like I said, she did not have hardly any facial hair.
Well, I can't get past the stubble that is there. Our sex life before that wasn't all that great. Even after 8 years of marriage, I was still wearing a condom. And she didn't act like it was all that great while in the moment.
It is killing me. But, I how would I even bring something like this up? There is nothing I can do. Please give me some advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dfri
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 10:34pm
I don't really understand. Are you saying that you don't want to have sex with your wife because she has stubble on her chin and upper lip sometimes? Seriously? That's the reason? Most women do grow a few hairs on their chins as they age. Some women grow a lot of hair in those areas and most women pluck, wax, or shave it off. It has to do with declining estrogen levels. Just because you didn't think she needed that wax job in the late 90's, she thought she did, and she probably had reason to think so. But it's hard to believe that you'd stop a sexual relationship over something so trivial and so absolutely normal. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, you need to ask her why. But, wow, I sure wouldn't tell her that her chin hairs turn you off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: dfri
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 10:45pm

My thought is, if I stopped having sex with my spouse because of facial hair or stubble, I wouldn't be having sex either. But then again, I have a husband. I deal with it all the time.

Why haven't you talked to your wife about this before now? I mean, 6 years with no sex? Do you even kiss her? And if you do, why can you kiss her but not have sex?

Jen





iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: dfri
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 5:06am

I fully sympathise with the stubble issue. My husband is forbidden to perform cunnilingus unless he's sporting beard or is freshly shaven. And he's not real keen on any stubble on my bits. So, it's either freshly shaved or beard like for me too!
(sorry if there's TMI guys!)

Anyway, as your wife appears to want her face without hair, perhaps you should encourage regular waxing. It will be a win/win solution. Her face will be how she likes it and the re-growth is very soft.

That aside, I'm concerned that this situation has been happening for 6 years and hasn't been addressed by either one of you. Doesn't bode well for general communication between the two of you.

(sorry for typos. Blame being aimed at a bottle of very nice Australian red)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: dfri
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 7:30am

Why are you wearing a condom with your wife?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dfri
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 11:51pm
The longer you avoid bringing up topics that are hard to discuss, the harder it is to bring them up, that's for sure. I would say if neither of you have brought up the topic of zero sex in six years you both have some pretty big communication problems and I'd go a step further and guess that your marriage is pretty stilted. Or do you pretend everything is fine, just completely avoiding this one topic?


As far as how to bring it up, there is no magic spell. The best way I've found is just taking a deep breath and spilling it. Just get it out - let your mouth run despite the fact that your brain is in panic mode. One line will do it, "We need to talk about sex."


How is your relationship in other areas? How long have you been married? It sounds like perhaps you had some sexual issues/hang ups previous to this, yes? What is it about her facial hair removal that makes sex not an option for you?


I hope you're coming back to give us some feedback, Dfri ~








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2006
In reply to: dfri
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 6:00pm

At 33 years old, yes the stubble certainly was not a turn on. To go further, no we don't really kiss. Just a peck on the lips.
I actually don't think she cared for sex all that much. Wasn't very interactive while having sex. Sometimes I think that she thinks that sex is dirty. If I were to try to talk about it, I'm sure she would be very vague. Always seemed/seems a little stiff about sex. Even when a sexual comment might be made at a party or something. Other than this, communication is fine I guess. We are both stubborn.

I don't think she is being punished for the lack of sex. I was always the one who would initiate. I use to try to take showers together, but started getting the feeling she didn't want to. Sometimes she will lie on my lap, while I'm sitting on the couch, and scratch my leg. If she happens to go up too high and touches my boys, she pull back and say "ohh". I almost take it as an "eww".

As far as wearing a condom 8 years into a marriage, what was I to do? I can't tell her to go on the pill, or get a diaphram. That is up to her. I got real tired of wearing those things.

I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dfri
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 1:14am
I can understand not liking stubble, but to go without sex for six years because of it and to not try to resolve it - that I can't understand. Do I mean you should have gotten so desperate that you'd jump her anyway? Not necessarily. I was thinking along the lines of talking to her about it. There are other options besides shaving - wax for instance; and maybe she would be relieved just to hear you say she didn't need to do anything at all.


You've made statements about not thinking she likes sex too much, thinking she thinks sex is dirty, getting the idea that she didn't like taking showers together, taking her nearly touching your testicles as a distasteful thing for her. You say you didn't like condoms but couldn't tell her to take the pill or get a diaphragm, that it was up to her. You say you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, you're not. You're choosing your position and choosing to stay right where you are. What comes through loud and clear is a total lack of communication.


Talking about sex is often uncomfortable for either or both parties, but that doesn't mean you don't talk about it. Having differing views, tastes and preferences about sex makes it more difficult, but guess what, most of us don't concur 100%. If you expect to sit down and discuss it as easily as you'd discuss what you're going to have for dinner, you're wrong, but you can say "I know this is going to be an awkward and difficult conversation, but it's one that we need to have", then proceed. You won't resolve it in one evening for sure, but you have to open the topic up to have any kind of understanding, make any kind of agreement. Yeah, maybe she's not comfortable taking a shower with you, but maybe it's something she'd like to be more comfortable with. Maybe it's not that she doesn't like sex, maybe it's that she's not happy or comfortable with the sex she has with you. Unless you discuss it and deal with it, it won't improve, but if you do, it has the potential to improve 100 times over. Maybe she gets close to your testicles on purpose, hoping to arouse you, and says "ew" because she thinks you don't like sex. No, you can't make her get on the pill or get a diaphragm, but you are an equal partner in this relationship and can say you don't like condoms and don't want to use them anymore and together as partners you can discuss a birth control method that's agreeable to both.


What I know is that as long as you choose not to bring it up and push the subject through, it will most certainly remain exactly as it is. It's your choice. Deal with it like adults or assume and avoid and let it stay the same. You are choosing.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
In reply to: dfri
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 2:00am
You would be surprised just how many Woman shave and or wax their upper lip. It is very common. We want to be as beautiful as we feel is possible. If you feel that is effecting your sex life some how, I think you might have some underlying issues. That is in no way a justified reason for lack of sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
In reply to: dfri
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 11:13am

First of all I am not blaming you and you are not to blame for this issue. You said sex was not that great back then when you guys first meet..Why would you think this would get better? Not sure if you would or she would even consider a sex therepist? If I was in your shoes I would think about "divorce" if all else fails...Unless you can live like this all your life?

Good Luck