Shocked and heart broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2007
Shocked and heart broken
17
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 1:01am

I have been married to my DH for almost 11 years and we have two kids together. Everything was going on nice and smooth untill one day.  I had gone to my parents place for few months to spend some time with them and take care of my ailing mom.

I used to talk with my husband every day and know about his well-being. Gradually he stopped calling me and showed very little interest in knowing about us. This worried me and i came back as soon as possible.

He behaved very differently and on much pursuation he came out with the reason ....he said he has recently got a blood test done which confirms that he has a genetic abnormality and this defect causes infertility. In other words, he thinks that the kids are not his and i have been unfaithful to him.

When i heard this from him, i totally lost my temper and asked him to pinpoint someone/anyone he thinks could be the alleged father. To this he kept quiet and said he does not know but he can be at peace only after getting the paternity testing.

For few weeks we were fighting over it as i was not against the testing but i had felt very offended and insulted.

He would also sometimes behave normal as if nothing happened and then all of sudden become very quiet and least interested in me.  I checked his emails and facebook and phone details, he is not involved with anyone and he thinks that once the test results assure him that he is indeed the father, he would be ok.

Finally i agreed and got the test done and as expected, he is the father of both kids as he has been the only man in my life.

My problem is that this whole thing has shaken my self-esteem so badly that i don,t feel like respecting this person anymore.

I want something substantial to reaasure me that he would not behave again in this immature way again. I simply want to move out of this relationship but

he is and was always very loving and caring to the kids

has never cheated on me

he is basically a nice person

What should i do to regain my trust in him..should i give him another chance?

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 1:44pm

The diagnosis must have been a shock to him.  It does explain his fears.  Yes it was emotionally up setting.  However, for the children have they been tested for any genetic problems?  Better to find out now.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2012
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 5:01pm

Wow, I'm so sorry you had to go through that with your husband. I can imagine that was not something you thought you would have to prove to your spouse. And, it's understandable you're feeling a bit shaken up after this situation. So, perhaps it would be worthwhile for you and your husband to consider getting involved in some marital counseling. Just getting your frustrations out on the table and rebuilding trust with the help of a professional can make a huge difference. Another idea might be to look into a marriage conference or retreat-somewhere the two of you can get away and just work on your relationship. I'm not sure where you're located, but, while working at Focus on the Family, I've heard good things about the Love and Respect Conferences and the Weekend to Remember Conferences. So, might be worth checking out their websites to see if there's anything coming up. Just a thought. Well, I really hope you and your husband are able to work through this situation. I'll be praying for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 6:48pm

I very much agree with ukgirl.   What has he done to try and make this right?  Does he acknowledge that his actions have hurt you terribly?

 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 2:26pm
As the others have said , he better be falling over himself apologizing to you, etc. He did a terrible thing to you. If I were you I would be wondering where is the next conspiracy theory going to come from? Can you live with that possibility?
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 3:41pm

IT reads like she owes him an apology.  He had just been told that he could not have children how do you expect him to say?  She personalized and acted emotionally rather than just getting the tests.  The test showed he was the sire.  End of problem.  This highlights some of the problems with these types of findings.  He may be at this time unlikely to father any more children but it did not rule out before. He stated what the evidence had shown.  It is not a matter of wrong/right but of effective communication and problem solving.  Many couples do not have the communication skills to work thru problems as each is too invested in their own emotions.  Effective counseling can help reestablish the lines of communication.

dragowoman

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 5:36pm

You have got to be kidding. The problem was not that he had the test, told her about it, and then they worked through it. The problem is he accused her of cheating on him because of the test. It would be an incredible feat not to take that personally, especially when it came from your husband. She absolutely does not owe him an apology.

 

Tobermory

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 7:00pm

That is why effective communication is so important.  He believed that he could not father children.  It could have been a item that is recent that he did not show this earlier.  But all he took away from the conversation was that he in effect was sterile.  We in the US are not good at critical thinking.  Her response was anger.   Yes he moved to a conclusion but with the information he had it is logical.  Her stand was to be angry and not go for the tests right away.  That increased the bad feelings.  Yes it could have been handled much better by both parties.  But it is moot now.  

   Continuing the resentment has no value unless they want a power struggle.  Counseling maybe necessary to sort out the feelings about self.  Feelings in themselves are neither right or wrong but it is what we do with those feelings that counts.  When observed from another viewpoint there was factual information that resulted in an inaccurate conclusion.  Intellectually it is over.  Her emotional state needs help. Preferably professional help.

 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 10:46pm
I would not have done the tests at all. It is a very serious and damaging accusation to make if you intend to stay married to someone.
Doing those tests would mean the end of the marriage to me, so I think you've got it wrong when you say problem solved.
We are not machines and trust is the base of a relationship. Did he ask the Drs. about his condition before making horrible acusations? Obviously not...
He has a lot of appologizing to do to make up for his behaviour, and he is very lucky to have a wife who's willing to understand.
There is no logic or critical thinking that can justify, i would understand confusion and anger. I would understand getting a second opinion or looking online.
If you try to have a relationship being 'logic' and disregarding your partner's feelings you'd better marry the iPhone...
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 2:18am

Did he ask the Drs. about his condition before making horrible acusations? Obviously not...

From the OP's:

".he said he has recently got a blood test done which confirms that he has a genetic abnormality and this defect causes infertility"

  Usually it is a physician who would make that determination.  Most likely it was his physician who spoke to him.

  Genetic tests are very simple. 

 There is no reason not to have the tests done.  His fear was easily put to rest. 

  It is good to see from the other's viewpoint. 

   Would you want to stay with a person with whom you had such doubts?  Would you not want to find out the truth?

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 6:34pm
Genetic tests are not simple at all and even Drs. are just starting to understand a bit about the consequences of all the combinations of possible mutations.
And no, I wouldn't want to be with someone with whom I had such doubts, but that's because I want to trust my partner. If you need a blood test is not trust.
Trust is knowing that the children are yours without the blood test, and starting from that assumption.

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