Should DW End Call When I Come Home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Should DW End Call When I Come Home?
12
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 6:27pm
Oh folks, here's the deal. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, and once or twice a week, I'll come home from work and she will be talking to one of her friends on the phone. In my opinion, I believe she should politely indicate that I've arrived home and she will call them back later. After all, I've been away all day, and I would like to share a moment or two with my wife chatting about the day's events, etc.

Instead, she will continue her call for 20 minutes or more. I get very resentful when she does this because it hurts my feelings. I believe it is disrespectful to dismiss my arrival....and then to top it off, I'll go to our room to change my clothes, and she will open the door and tell me my dinner's on the table, all the while yacking away to her friend without a care in the world.

I've already had one discussion with her about this some time ago, and she got very defensive and implied that I was being petty about the whole situation. It really dampens my mood for the rest of the evening when she does this, because it makes me feel as if I'm not important to her.

Am I way off the mark here, or am I just being plain stupid and selfish? I'm sure this happens to many others, so I would appreciate opinions or thoughts on this situation and/or how you would handle this situation.

~SirToppemRat

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 8:37pm

I think there are a lot of variables and it depends.

First, when you brought it up to her, how did you bring it up and when? Was it, "why can't you get off the phone when I come home? You don't love me?!?!!?", was it "I'm home now and you should focus on me, me, me", etc. Just trying to see how you approached the subject as that could tell us whether or not she was reacting to how you approached her or the idea at all.

Second, is this the same friend or any friend? An intown friend she gets together with, sees and talks to all the time, or people who live farther afield and are harder to get ahold of? Is this once a week, more, less? Believe it or not, all of that would play into my answer too.

Third, aside from this issue, is she fairly attentive and not selfish and does she show you love and affection on a normal basis?

I'll be checking back and then I'll give my opinion on it.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 6:47am

Sir ToppemRat, I'm getting the feeling that we know only the tip of your problems here. While I agree that it would be nice for her to end the phone call and greet you, the question begs to be asked "why does she do this?"

I'm also concerned that she knows it upsets you - and that it dampens your evening - yet she continues to do it. It makes me wonder if for some reason she doesn't care how you feel.

Before I can offer you any more, I can only probe for more information. Why do you think she's choosing the phone over you?

Also, how successful is general confict resolution between you and your wife? Is this the only problem you can't solve, or are there many others?




Edited 7/15/2006 7:32 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 11:47am

I don't think one conversation some time ago is enough.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 7:09pm

I am also wondering what the rest of the dynamics are in the relationship...this smacks of control struggle.....that aside unless someone is dying she should get off the phone. Not just to greet you, which of course would be nice since you have been out all day working hard to provide for your family, but also so you can greet her, and thank her for working hard all day to provide for the family. Coming home and leaving are key times in a relationship and they should involve kind and caring words of support (whether coming or going). She is being disresepectful, whether by choice, or cause she does not realize it.

I know if I was on the phone with a friend and my SO came home, I would just say to them that I need to go cause my SO is home and I will call them back later if we were talking about something that needed resolution. At the same time if I was on the phone with someone and they said their SO just arrived home, I would immediately say, OK I will let you go, talk to you later. I would never think they were being rude if they said it first.

Talk to her in a nice way, LISTEN, to what she says, and then see where you are at.

P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 12:28am

Offhand, I would say that a lot would depend on the call itself. If it were an important call, if a friend was having a problem and needed my shoulder, if it were someone I didn't talk to often, I can see staying on the phone. However, if any of that was the case, I would pause my call long enough to explain to my husband what was going on. I will say, though, that I wouldn't be hanging up the phone the instant my husband hit the door under any circumstances; once he was home, I'd begin winding down the call, finish whatever topic was being discussed and would be off within a few minutes. In the situation you're posting about, I'm wondering how often this happens? You say you discussed this with your wife some time ago, what was her response?


I'll be interested in read your answers to the questions the others have asked as well.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 8:22pm
Thank you for all the thoughtful and detailed comments. I have not discussed with my DW yet. I have to find a good opportunity to talk when the kids are in bed and there are no other distractions.

I really don't believe that she does this intentionally. She just really likes to chat with her friends since she has to deal with the kids all day. It's really never important or business related. It's just gossipy small talk discussions, and that's what's the most irritating because she puts these nonsensical talks before me!!

I'll talk to her before the end of the week. It's just difficult because she can get very defensive and will often believe that I'm attacking her character, when in fact I'm just trying to be reasonable and objective when I explain my feelings to her.

~SirToppemRat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:08pm

We had comments, but more questions. It's too bad you've chosen not to answer them, understanding your situation would have enabled us to have an informed understanding of your situation and with that, be able to offer you suggestions that could help. What you got were generalizations based largely on supposition, and that's rarely accurate or helpful in specific situations. Here are some articles that will help discussions be productive, but I have to say that if your issue is a control issue, petty, or otherwise misguided, I don't think any form of communicating it will be well received.


Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

You've suggested that she may get defensive and believe you're attacking her character. I have to say, that wouldn't surprise me, you described her conversation as "gossipy small talk discussions" and that she puts these "nonsensical talks" before you; that sounds very judgmental indeed. But then, I'd need more information to know for sure.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 7/18/2006 4:38 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 11:29am

Fine, since you didn't offer more, I'll fill in what I need from my imagination and offer adivce from that.

I'm a stay-at-home-mom. It's hard and boring. Very boring sometimes. If I'm on a good phone coversation and my H gets home, I'm liable to let him unwind and relax for awhile and continue my phone call. If I COULD talk to my friends/family earlier in the day before my H would be home, I would. And if he brought it up to me and COMPLAINED about it, I would have issues, especially if he felt my conversations were stupid, etc. I mean, let's get real. How well do you two talk once she gets off the phone? How well do you two talk all evening long? Or does it become a matter of you getting on the computer to check a few things out and having alone time, or watching tv and not conversing, or doing things apart? Does she clean up dinner, do dishes, get the kids ready for bed and you read the paper?

In all those cases I would argue that you aren't stepping up to the plate and "entertaining" her enough. And you can argue that she can entertain herself and I can argue that she is, but that you are complaining and feeling put out by it.

You've chosen to take her not getting off the phone personally. You can also choose to realize she's talking with her friends and it's not a matter of them rating higher than you. It's all how you want to look at it.

Oh, and when you get home on the days when she's not on the phone, do you walk in, give her a big hug and kiss, follow her into the kitchen to help finish up dinner, offer to set the table, while telling her about your day and asking about hers? Or is it her job to show you how missed you were?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:51pm

If you don't want to put her on the defensive, don't call her calls nonsensical and unimportant.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 5:42pm

I can't say I agreed with a lot of your post, although, I am sure you and many of the posters would say the same about mine (she needs to get off the phone and greet him). I definitely feel a mars/venus slant on the posts (except for him belitting her conversations...on that we all agree).

I did however LOVE your last part.....

<<>>

An EXCELLENT point and perspective from a stay-at-home Mom that I bet most husband's of stay-at-home Moms don't get!

Perhaps we can all agree if he did this every night she would get off the phone.

P.

 

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