Should I back off?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Should I back off?
8
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:14am

Ok, this could get long, so I appreciate anyone reading this and weighing in. Here's the background: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and two months about. We are both 27. I was previously married for five years and have one child, whom my ex and I have joint custody of. My bf had only one relationship before me, and had been engaged but broke it off. My relationship with my BF is very solid and serious and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

My BF and I have always been very honest and forthcoming with oneanother. We discuss any issues we have openly, and don't fight very often. When we do fight, we fight fair, and resolve it. Neither one of us has had a problem with admitting that we were wrong when it's warranted. It's a breath of fresh air after my marriage.

I trust my boyfriend implicitly and there have been many times where he has been honest with me about his concerns about me or our relationship, and I took them seriously, even though it was not pleasant to hear.

For instance, I have borderline personality disorder, and at the time we met I had been off medication for a couple of years and was trying to see if I could live without it. I told my BF about it pretty early on, and I told him that if he was *ever* concerned about my mental state to be honest with me and tell me, and not to fear my reaction. So sure enough about six months into he relationship I began relapsing, and he told me that I was acting alot different and that he was worried about me and maybe I should get some help. I knew that he was right and told him so, and he had to tell me several times before I acted on it, but I did, and I'm back on my meds now and not having any more problems. I really appreciate him and admire him for having the courage to push me to see a doctor, because it was really what I needed. And he was calm and kind in the way he approached me about it, but didn't downplay it or sugarcoat it either. I'm grateful to him for looking out for me, because I know it would have taken alot longer for me to recognize the relapse and do something about it on my own.

So, one thing I have really noticed about my BF is that when things aren't going his way in life, he deals with it in a very unproductive manner. The way I explained it to him was that when most people come to a brick wall in their lives (something they have no control over and cannot change) they either go around it, climb over it, turn around and find another route, etc. But more often than not the way he deals with it is by banging his head against the wall repeatedly (refusing to compromise, even though it will change nothing, and winding up in a bunch of pain but going nowhere). As a result of this he gets easily frustrated and is pretty difficult to be around at those times. We've discussed it a few times. He's said that he doesn't know any other way to be, and that is how he's always dealt with things he didn't like. He aknowledged that it wasn't productive or healthy but said he didn't know where to begin in changing it. We went back and forth a few times about it, because I didn't really now how he could begin to change it either. I asked him if I gave him a book would he read it? And he said of course. I bought him a copy of a book of Zen writings that had been influential to me. He has been reading it and said he really likes it.

So tonight the issue came up again because the power went off in his building and the fire alarm outside was going off and he started getting really angry and irritable. Eventually we left and went to my apartment, but he was still in a bad mood and bitching about the fire alarm when we got there. So we got into a discussion about the whole thing, and we talked about it and listened to each other for a while. I thought the conversation was going pretty productively for both of us, but then later he started crying and saying he wasn't good enough for me. I told him that in no way was that true and that even if he never changed anything at all I would still love him, and that I only wanted him to be able to either be content or flexible enough to change his approach when things weren't the way he wanted them to be, because he *deserves* to be happy and right now he's not allowing himself to be. This isn't the first time he's said something like this, and I have always told him that I love him no matter what and I'm only concerned for his sake.

Another thing that comes up frequently is the fact that he had a really difficult childhood. His father was severely abusive, physically and psychologically, and he died when my BF was very young. His mom remarried and both she and her husband were psychologically abusive. He had very few friends growing up and was treated badly by his peers because he was severely overweight. He's never had any therapy at all. Occasionally something he sees or hears will remind him of something painful from his childhood. He'll tell me about it and it's like re-opening a wound for him. I wish I knew what to say, or what to do, but I'm no way qualified to help him with this. So far he's always dealt with it by bottling it up, and I hate to see him in so much pain. I've suggested that he talk to a therapist, and he has considered it. But at the same time I know from experience that finding a therapist you mesh well with can take time, and if he's already going into it defensively then it's very unlikely he'd even give them a fair shake. If the first time doesn't go well then it's extremely unlikely he'd be willing to try again. He's trained himself so well to put up a strong front and go into everything defensively. He had to because it was a survival mechanism. But now it's preventing him from being able to heal. I'm not sure that therapy is the right route. At least not until he's in a position to be open and receptive to it.

I've asked him if he'd prefer I not bring my concerns up with him, because alot of times it seems to make him feel like he's not good enough for me (which is the last thing I want hi to think), and I don't want to do more harm than good. He told me absolutely not that he wants me to be honest with him and he doesn't want me to censor myself. OTOH, I am starting to think that he just isn't ready yet to confront these issues, and maybe I should leave it alone. I don't want to make him feel like an unfinished project. I love him and accept him exactly the way he is. I want him to find some peace for his own sake, but it's entirely his decision. I love him so much and I don't want to do anything to hurt him or make him feel bad about himself. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:25am

You're right, you're not qualified to help him deal with his issues -- he has to see a qualified therapist.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2006
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 1:17pm

First let me say that you sound as though you have been quite successful in your recovery!! Bravo to you!

You are right that your bf needs help. There is a wonderful book by Melodie Beatty called "Codependent No More" that might be helpful to him.

This list might also be useful:
Based on studies of Adult Children of Alcoholics
This list is from the work of Janet Geringer Woititz. She did her original work on adult children of alcoholics, but I believe her findings can be generalized to people who were emotionally abused in general. Certainly all children of alcoholics were emotionally abused.

-Can only guess at what healthy behavior is.
-Have trouble completing things
-Lie when they don't need to. Lying might have been a survival tactic in the home. (She explains that perhaps the child learned from parents who lied to cover up problems or avoid conflict. Or simply to avoid harsh punishment, or to get needed attention. But as an adult, that tactic is no longer appropriate.)
-Judge themselves without mercy.
-Have trouble accepting compliments.
-Often take responsibility for problems, but not successes.
-Or they go to the other extreme and refuse to take any responsibility for mistakes while trying to take credit for the work of others.
-Have trouble having fun since their childhoods were lost, stolen, repressed.
-Take themselves very seriously or not seriously at all.
-Have difficulty with intimate relationships.
-Expect others to just "know what they want." (They can't express it because they were so often disappointed as children that they learned to stop asking for things.)
-Over-react to things beyond their control.
-Constantly seek approval & affirmation.
-Feel different from others.
-Are extremely loyal, even when facing overwhelming evidence that their loyalty is undeserved.
-Are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
-Tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. (This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. The result is they spend much energy blaming others, feeling victimized and cleaning up messes.)

She also makes this observation:

Intelligent people, through their ability to analyze, often realize things which are disconcerting, which others would not see. They also are often capable of feeling more deeply, both pain and joy. Adapted from Struggle for Intimacy, by Janet Gerringer Woititz

I hope that your bf can find the strength to begin some counseling. He is lucky to have your support!

jg

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 1:05am

What I hear you saying is that his childhood issues are causing problems in his life and that they are also causing problems in your relationship. I'll also say that having these kinds of unaddressed issues will have a tremendous impact on your marriage, even if that appears not to be the case, and even if you think you've seen everything you're going to see from him in that regard.


I understand what you're saying about the problem with finding a therapist he clicks with and opening up, but that really doesn't make logical sense. The longer he delays in looking at all, the longer it will be before he gets real help and can really heal from his past. If your POV is followed, he'll never get help because the same point you make will always be true. There is never any guarantee that you'll find the right therapist early or late. Who knows, he might just find the right one on his first try -- I did.


Just like he was strong and pushed you to get help for your problem when you really needed that, he needs it now. It's your turn to urge him and support him in seeking real help to resolve this issue that's following him and affecting him in life. I'd suggest looking for a therapist who specializes in abuse issues, if possible, one who specializes in adults with childhood abuse issues.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for incognito_mosquito
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 5:37am

Wow, thanks for that list. Alot of the things on it sound just like him. Some of them have improved alot since we've been together though, I'd guess because he's been able to feel more secure.

I will check out some of those books. He's willing to read just about anything I give him, so it couldn't hurt to try.

Avatar for incognito_mosquito
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 5:41am
You are right. He really does need to get some counseling. I know he is hesitant, but he trusts me and I think I can convince him to go. I'm wondering if there are any alternative therapies worth trying that he might find helpul also?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2006
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 10:00am

You're welcome icognito.

Anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family will exhibit these traits until they do the work in therapy to change their internal dialogue. Cognitive Behvioral Therapy is wonderful for this and I think it is truly what allowed me to make changes in my life.

This link will help you to find Certified CBT specialists.
http://nacbt.org/searchfortherapists.asp

In CBT you work on breaking down the assumpitons you make and then live by rather than exploring how you came to these assumptions. This is often more appealing to men because it's not so much about history and feelings as it is a set of tools and clearly defined problem solving with ideas that you can apply immediately to your life TODAY, not after 6 months of crying at the therapist's office. That said, I did the whole Kleenex routine first, and there was some benfit to it. But eventually I wanted a toolkit to make changes in my life, and CBT provided just that. I already knew what a mess my family of origin was and didn't need to rehash it yet again.

Some of your bf's improvement, as you said, is probably due to having a safe relationship that is building trust and countering some of his assumptions. But the therapy is still important.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 11:24am

Why alternative therapy?








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for incognito_mosquito
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 3:40pm
Well I was thinking that alternative therapies might appeal to him in conjunction with traditional therapy. I'm not sure what is out there though.