Should I be concerned??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2014
Should I be concerned??
11
Thu, 08-07-2014 - 7:46pm
Quick question: Let's say you are dating a guy (6 weeks so far) and... it's going great but you find out he's still best friends with his ex-wife (and mother of his two children). They talk and text all the time, hang out as a family both at his house and going out to lunch and stuff and have a 16 year history together, yet he insists there's nothing going on and he loves you and you alone... but you are concerned that she wants him back and friends have told you they have been sexually active and in a relationship together as recently as a month or so before you started dating him. He says yes they are friends but it's easier than being in conlict for the sake of the kids so he pacifies her but I don't buy it. Would you be concerned about him still having feelings for her? Just curious.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-07-2014 - 7:58pm

How long have they been divorced?  I think there is a line between being good co-parents and getting a long for the sake of the kids, which is always good, and being too close to have another relationship.  I would really wonder why, if they are so close and get along so great, etc. why they even got divorced?  I know some divorced people do have sex once in a while because they don't have anyone else and they figure it's better to go with the familiar, etc.--that never entered my mind when I got divorced because with the first ex, I was upset that he wanted a divorce & I didn't and with the 2nd one, I just couldn't wait to get rid of him.  I would watch very closely what is going on.

As far as hanging out "as a family," I've heard that therapists say it is actually very confusing for the kids--if they see mom & dad together and acting happy, they are going to wonder why dad isn't living at home any more and especially if either of the parents bring a date home, then the kids are really going to wonder what is going on.  A certain amount of separation is good.  Now my 1st ex & I (who have kids together) would do the important stuff together for the sake of the kids--like if they had a school concert, parent-teacher meeting, graduation, etc., we would always go and even sit together--that was mostly because then the other child would not have to decide what parent to sit with.  I still do that and even sit with his wife now--we all get along fine but I'm sure she has no thought that I would ever get back with him.  Even right after the divorce, when it was his time to be with the kids, that's when I went out--we were not going out and doing fun things together for no particular reason.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2014
Thu, 08-07-2014 - 8:03pm
They've been divorced for 2 1/2 years but were in a relationship for 3 months this past spring. Apparently, from what I was told from his friends the only reason they are not together anymore is because her father hates him and he was abusive (verbally and mentally) to her, but I haven't seen that side of him. She also INSISTS that I can't meet their kids and he HAS to abide by that because in the parenting plan it's said that each party has to give consent for the kids to meet any significant other. She'll never give consent so I'm wondering how permanent this can possibly be. Maybe I'm freaking out over nothing... maybe she'll come around.. maybe he really does love me It's all so confusing right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2014
Thu, 08-07-2014 - 8:04pm
I saw on his phone they had 2600 text messages in the past 4 months alone. That's a bit much don't you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 08-07-2014 - 8:24pm

"He says yes they are friends but it's easier than being in conlict for the sake of the kids so he pacifies her but I don't buy it."

Since you don't believe him then why are you dating him? Don't waste your time on somebody that you don't trust. And him already saying that he loves you after only 6 weeks of dating sounds kind of fast.

If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt ask him why he and ex split up. And when was the last time they had sex. (I would wonder how friends would know that they were sleeping together). Lots of couples try to stay friendly for the sake of the kids, but if they get along so great then why aren't they still married? If he doesn't want her back then it doesn't matter if she wants him back.

Even if its true that they are just good friends (without benefits) it seems like she will always be a significant part his life, do you want to deal with that? With so many concerns at just 6 weeks of dating, I suggest walking away so you can find a guy without this baggage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 08-07-2014 - 8:55pm

Yes that's a lot of texts.

I wouldn't believe that they divorced because her dad hated him, but if he was emotionally abusive that would be a strong reason to divorce. Just because you haven't seen that side of him yet doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Bf and ex got back together for 3 months in the spring? If so then they aren't done. Too many red flags, run don't walk away from this relationship!

BTW the ex has the right idea about parents controlling who can meet the kids and when (notice that it works for both parents, not just her). The kids should not meet a parade of gf/bf's of either parent. They shouldn't meet a SO until the relationship looks like it will last a long time, and 6 wks is too soon to tell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 08-07-2014 - 11:44pm

How about "lets say you're dating a guy for 6 weeks"........which means you don't know him at ALL.  He says he loves you after 6 weeks of dating?  He's full of it.  You also haven't known him long enough to see the emotionally abusive side of him.....and if he was with his wife, he will be with you because emotionally abusive people are people with problems, and they aren't only abusive to one person......they're abusive to everyone involved with them.  It's their problem that they carry with them from relationship to relationship.  And I agree with the other poster......he's divorced but hanging out with her.......which is sooo wrong for the children.  She had a clause put in the divorce agreement that her children couldn't meet any women without her permission......doesn't that tell you that she knows him very well, and there will be "women"........not a "woman"......and I would feel the same way.  After such a short time, she shouldn't let them meet you.  I think you should "rethink" this whole "love" thing.......it's way too soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-08-2014 - 11:02am

I disagree that DIVORCED parents should be able to control who meets their kids unless there is a very good reason for it.  I am a divorce lawyer and that is something that is not a usual thing to put in a divorce agreement--and I have never seen a judge order it.  (It's different to say that kids shouldn't meet a new SO before they are divorced or that Bfs/GFs shouldn't be sleeping over until the divorce is final.)  People should not be able to control what their former spouse does after they get divorced, any more than they should control where their former spouse takes the kids on vacation or where they live (within reason, of course).  I certainly agree that people shouldn't be parading a group of new people in front of the kids--6 weeks is definitely way too early to even be thinking about meeting kids.  When I was divorced and my kids were young, they never met anyone that I dated, until I met my 2nd DH--it was pretty early in the relationship, but I knew it was serious.  I think since they are so entwined still that the exW probably will never let the kids meet any GF which will end up being a serious problem.  I remember a friend of my DD had a father who had been married before & had kids and his 2nd DW told me that she wasn't allowed to be with the kids--this was years into the marriage and I just thought that was so crazy.

I just think that this guy has so many red flags about being too involved with his ex that I would walk away--since it's only been a short time.  It will just be harder to end it when they get more serious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Fri, 08-08-2014 - 12:41pm

Musiclover, a divorce question for you when there is an order like this that the ex must approve that kids can meet SOs: if the ex is being unreasonable, can it be changed? Why would somebody agree to it if it is overly restrictive? Its one thing to try to placate your soon to be ex, but if its a bad move then wouldn't the lawyer strongly advise against agreeing to it?

The OP makes it sound like the ex-wife is the controlling one, but Mr Mental Abuse (if that's true) might be just as controlling of the ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2014
Fri, 08-08-2014 - 12:52pm

I agree that it seems unreasonable to have this in the order but the answer I got from him is his previous girfriend used drugs and alcohol and told his son she would be his new mommy the first time she met him.  The ex went nuts and during the final paperwork they both agreed to the provision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-08-2014 - 3:58pm

Remdamma, yes the court could modify the order if it was clear that the ex was being unreasonable, but judges really hate to get into that kind of stuff--how would the judge know if the new SO was a nice person and worthy of meeting the kids or not?  That's why I've never really seen it after the divorce.  I think it's more common to see an order before the divorce, or say someone had a SO that was not a good person, the ex would probably come into court and get a specific order that the other parent couldn't have that person present during visitation.

FL Brandy, the fact that your BF would choose a GF who uses drugs and alcohol (this is accd. to him) and that he would decide to introduce this person to his kids shows that he definitely has a lack of good judgment.  I'm sure you could find someone who has less drama that you would have to deal with.

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