Should I give up? Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Should I give up? Need advice
16
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 1:25am

Have been with my bf for more than a yr. In the beginning, he love me more than I love him. (I always take time to fall in love). He used to call me everyday and comment that we did not spent enough time together. We have a few bad arguements for the past few months and I sense that our relationship changed after the arguements. We did not communicate or meet at all on working days because he is normally tired from work or other activites(sports with guy friends). We meet every weekends but normally go out till late night and will be too tired to talk or do any other activites in bed. We stay together every sat nights but without any passionate moments for months, not even a kiss. I am not ready to have sex now but I feel we are more like friends than couple now. Sometimes I believe he do not love me anymore. When I try to talk to him he will tell me there is no problem between us and he still love me as usual. A few times when I try to initiate the break, he will tell me that he love me and want to continue in this relation. I do not know if we can go back to be what we used to be. Should I try or should I just give up?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:36am

Hi Gal_doll.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 1:25pm
I agree with 2nd Life. It doesn't sound as though there's much left to salvage. Do you have friends that you can expand your horizons with during the week? Have you suggested a trial split? Agree to maybe two or three weekends apart, just so you can see how you feel after there's a little absence involved? My guess is you'd be surprised at how well you'll do alone. If it's not working, it's only hindering you from dating and new romances. After all, you can't very well see other guys right now because technically, you're still "involved", right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:15pm

I forget to mention that he is under a lot of stress lately due to his work. He did comment once that the stress had taken away his interest for sexual intimacy.

I do not think he is making the relationship unsatisfying so that I will break off with him as I tried and he is strongly against the break up. I suggested not meeting last weekend and he told me not to add stress on him. I don't have a lot of friends to spend time with on weekdays. Sometimes my job takes me to weird hours too.

Other than no physical contact and no time to talk/meet on weekdays, we are happy together on weekends, other than the times when we had big quarrel. We have common interest and usually spend the whole days doing activities together. I seriously do not know whether we are going through the motions of a relationship. Just that sometimes I feel we are more like friends who enjoy each other company rather than in a relation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 11:32pm

Okay, so what else is different about him in general and in your relationship? Has he been under stress for the entire two months that this difference has become the norm in? If he's under stress it's going to show in a lot of areas. From what you've said he acts normally, does his normal things and behaves normally, but isn't sexual with you and doesn't even kiss you. That doesn't add up if stress is what he's claiming. I'm confused. You said he doesn't recognize there's anything wrong or different, but he must if he's claiming stress as a reason for the difference. What's up?

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown




Edited 3/31/2005 1:31 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 1:08am
Am I right to think that you don't believe him when he blames it on stress? If you believe it's because of stress, you wouldn't be thinking about leaving, would you? How do YOU feel? What do YOU think? What do YOU want?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 9:32pm
I believe he is under stress and I know what led to the stress. He is doing different things compared to when I first know him. For eg, going to church every weekend, he is catholic but never go to church regularly last time. He also takes up sports activities with his guy friends regularly now. I am not complaining about that as I think sports is better than drinking where he used to go regularly last time. What I complaining is our lack of communications and whether he still take me as a lover? He introduce me as his gf to all his friends but I am just wondering do we qualify as couple when we haven't even give each other a real kiss for the past few mths.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 10:57pm

If this were a stress-induced problem, you'd see more than a sexual change. For instance, he'd be tense, he'd be short-tempered, he'd be tired, overwhelmed, easily frustrated. What you indicate as the causes of his stress aren't stress causing things. Going to church and playing sports with friends are things that alleviate stress, not cause them. The excuse of stress, in the situation you've described doesn't make sense. Is he going to church because of an issue that's weighing on him? That would indicate stress. Is he hanging out with his friends more to avoid a situation or to avoid thinking about a situation? That could indicated stress, but having fun with his buds, getting religion, otherwise acting normal except steering clear of a physical relationship does not indicate stress to me.


You're approaching the situation and he's avoiding being honest with you. Stress won't keep him from touching you. If you're happy in a relationship that is purely platonic, if you're happy being in a relationship where you're a friend who happens to be the opposite sex instead of his girlfriend, then yes, you qualify as a relationship. If you're asking if you qualify as a romantic relationship, you have no romance and if I understand you correctly, you get no real explanation from him as to why you have no romance (physical contact), and you get no indication when this "no contact" status will end -- or if it will ever end.


Before he began to avoid sexual contact with you, did he have an episode where he tried to have sex with you but couldn't achieve an erection? If that's the case, it could be that he's so concerned that he'll have the problem again that he's avoiding sex to avoid having the problem again. If that's not the case, I say you've been staying in an unacceptable situation for two months with no real honestly about the reasons for it. He won't talk about why this is happening and he isn't doing anything to change it. How long will you be satisfied to stay under those conditions? Are you okay with being in a relationship with a guy who won't talk about real problems that are having a very real effect on your relationship? You have every reason to be dissatisfied with the situation and I think it would be very reasonable for you to tell him you will not continue a relationship in this manner.


That's what I think of the situation, what do you think? What do you want to do?




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 9:20am

Hi,

Came back with some new updates. Last weekend, I told him that I want out since I see no points in continuing. He went panic and urged me to discuss our problems over and we ended in bed and for the first time and for the first time in months we have physical contacts.

I have been thinking over the week and wonder whether is he still sexually attracted to me or using the physical contacts to hold on to me. I decide to stay for a month or two to see what happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 11:26am

One sexual encounter does not address the problem, whatever it is, that he's not sharing with you.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2005
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 4:47am

Sorry for misleading in the last msg. We did not have sex yet. Not before our problems and not recently too. When I say physical contact, I meant our usual closeness before our quarrels like kissing, touching and oral. The reason why we did not have sex previously was because I was not ready as I said in my previous msg I took longer time to fall in love. When I fell in love for him, his attitude has changed so I am not ready to take the step until I can cfm what is happening. He requested for sex yesterday to destress himself but I told him we should concentrate to settle our problems first and see if we can continue.

As for your questions, he did not have an episode where he tried to have sex but couldn't achieve an erection because we haven't try. He is OK with waiting but wanted me to give him oral instead and he gave that to me too. However, as I am not very experience, I think I may not have given him the satisfaction. Then we stop giving each oher oral and then stop kissing though we still hug each other to sleep in bed.

As for his stress, he told me its because he is worried of his job as the company is going through restructuring.

For our current situation, I know I love him but I want to know where he stand before I can be sure to say where our relation stand. All I can say is I am still not confident in our relation and I need time to decide should I stay with him.

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