Should I move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2009
Should I move on?
11
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 8:19am

Hi all,


I really need your advice on my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend (he's 26)for a year and he never told me he loves me. Recently I asked him how he felt about me and he replied, that he knows what I want to hear but he can't say it because he doesn't know if he feels likes that. He said he doesn't think he's been in love with any girl and has nothing to compare it to but that he cares about me and he misses me when he's not with me.


I don't know what to think he doens't love me but has invited me for xmas dinner

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 9:26am

I bet he doesn't know if he'll ever change his feelings, either.

Some people would be okay with this arrangement, those people would probably express love through actions rather than words. If words are important to you, this may not be your guy. I know men who have acted loving toward a woman but been unable to say "I love you" - Some of them, for much longer than a year and a half.

I wish I could make this easier for you. Aside from "I love you", is everything else good about your relationship? He seems to be very much in like with you if he's treating you as an important partner in his life. I'm sure he would be very sad if you left and that he enjoys your company very much.

This might be a good discussion to have... Maybe you can start by asking him what he thinks love means, or feels like? Can he picture you in his life for a long time? Does he think you are compatible and is he happy with the relationship?

You may not hear those words for a while. I've heard one theory on askmen.com that says the first time a man says "I love you" should be as he's proposing, and though I find this to be really silly, there ARE men who equate "I love you" with "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" (my own boyfriend is one). For those people, it takes a long time to get to "love" because there is a commitment tied to that word in their minds. If you're happy with everything else and he is acting like a loving boyfriend who cares for you, then it may be something you want to take your focus off of.




Edited 12/22/2009 9:29 am ET by undercovercrab
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 11:33am

You have to decide for yourself but I've been there and it also troubled me. I was with someone for a year and 1/2 who didn't say it. I said it to him twice. It bothered me but wasn't enough to end the relationship. I had figured the words would come eventually if the relationship was meant to last. The relationship did end but due to the overall relationship not going in the direction I wanted, I never met his family for example.

He did say it about 8 months after we broke up, in a voicemail, asking for another chance. But it was too late then.

Do you think your bf has abnormal worries about committed relationships? Or is it more likely he just doesn't give his heart away easily?

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.



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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2009
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 4:35pm

Thank you for your replies...I am generally happy in the relationship but I just feel like maybe were not going to move forward. He doesn't think marriage is for him and I know its something that I definitely want.

I think with him it just takes him so long to make a decision and to give his heart away it took him ages to even start a relationship with me in the first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 6:19pm

"He doesn't think marriage is for him and I know its something that I definitely want."

In this case, you should end the relationship now. It will not go where you need it to go, and it's really important that you don't waste time with a man who can't give you what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 11:52pm

"He doesn't think marriage is for him and I know its something that I definitely want."

It is time to let this one go then. I agree the above post. You will not get what you want from this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 2:38am
A belated welcome to the board, BB252009 ~

Crab and Sienna are exactly right, it's time to let this relationship go. No matter how much is right there is a huge wrong here. Nothing ahead but frustration and unhappiness for you both.












"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 3:57pm
I am generally happy in the relationship but I just feel like maybe were not going to move forward. He doesn't think marriage is for him and I know its something that I definitely want.



That seems like a reasonable conclusion - if he feels that way about marriage then you are probably right, it won't move past this point. I don't think you have to run over and dump him today, if you are happy right now then that's fine, not every relationship has to be "the" relationship. Maybe he's just Mr. Right Now for you, and you are Miss Right Now for him.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.



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Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 5:58pm

That's true; she doesn't have to drop him like a hot potato tomorrow.

But if she does want to find Mr. Right, then I believe she would be better off getting rid of Mr. OK-for-Right-Now, so that she is available (and out and about) when Mr. Right does come along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 6:44pm
The fact she recognized and posted that the relationship probably won't go further, and that seemed to be the answer for her original question - pretty much makes him Mr. Temporary. She doesn't need to be told that, she told us that. How temporary is up to her. I'm betting she'll move on when it feels right to move on, and that'll be the right time whether it's in 2 days or 6 months. Since she really does want to get married and she's not deluded herself that the relationship will go further, makes me think she's in a good position to judge the timing for herself. And even though her eventual goal is marriage, we all have something to learn from Right Now relationships, maybe she's not done learning whatever it is just yet.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances. " - Viktor Frankl.



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Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-24-2009 - 2:04am
I agree. I also think that dating Mr. Not Right is fine, but if she's going to do that she has to be keenly aware that he's not right and keep herself from becoming emotionally attached. If she's already become emotionally attached, she should end it now; it'll only be harder, hurt more and more complicated if she waits.













"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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