Should I move out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Should I move out?
293
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 4:54pm

I haven't posted here in awhile but really need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been having problems and on New Year's Eve it got worse. Basically, he was flirting with a much younger girl (10 years younger) at a house party. He brought her into the bathroom. I found out just a couple of minutes afterwards. I stormed in (the door was unlocked) and told the girl to get the f*** out. She didn't move. Then, I told him to tell her to get the f*** out. He didn't. Then, I finally said, "If you don't tell her to get the f*** out than we are done". There was no movement. I left and tried to call for a cab on New Year's which was impossible. Long story short, I had to wait until his friends decided to leave 2 hours later. I went home and packed my bag for a couple of days and stayed at a motel. I called and left a message to say where I was. He accussed my of being with another guy. He ended up leaving that night to a party with his friends. He didn't show up until 11:00 AM the next day and went to sleep. I asked him if he cheated on me and he said, "no". But, I still can't believe that he left or that he didn't tell that girl to leave the bathroom.

He realized how serious I was in leaving when I found out that I have been approved for a home loan and started house shopping. So, he decided to go to a counselor with me. We have went once and we have another appointment in a week. He thinks its a trust issue with me and I think it is a lack of commitment on his part. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. We talked about getting married this summer but that is obviously pushed back until we are getting along. I have realized that I don't like him or trust him when he drinks. I even told him that and his response was, "Well, who does?". This isn't the first time that we have had a fight while drinking at a party or bar.

I feel like we are at different stages in our lives. I am 4 1/2 years older than he is. I have never really felt comfortable living together because it is against my belief's. I feel like a hipocrit really because I am not living the life I want to live. I am really through with the parties and bar sceen. I wanted to get married and have children. I posted about this several months ago.

My boyfriend seems to want to work it out and I feel that he wants the counselor to say that I am wrong in not trusting him. He has done and said things that have caused mistrust. It has made me question things which I can understand how it makes him craze but he causes the doubt in the first place. He has told me that we may as well break up if I decided to move out because he doesn't want to move backwards in the relationship. I doesn't even want to go to a counselor if I do move out. I just really want to move out because I am making a lot more income this year and coud use the tax break for next year. He said that I am selfish when I have lived with him for 3 1/2 years. I told him it was only fair that I move out and own my own place and he could rent from me if he wants to. Now, I don't even know if I want him to live with me.

Please help me. Anything you say, I greatly appreciate.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 8:37am
Abusers always apologize. It means nothing in the long term. It's just part of the abuse cycle. You live in a dirty house with holes in the walls. Your boyfriend takes no responisbility for cleaning or repairing the holes. I would guess you are embararassed to have anybody over. More isolation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 11:24am

Hi Cl-2nd life and others!

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 12:20pm

<< An abuser is an abuser no matter what. He will be a sober abuser unless he gets help for the abuse as well as the drinking.>>

I KNOW that an abuser is still an abuser regardless. I also KNOW alcoholics who are not abusive (unless you count the abuse they do to their own bodies). In my post after the post I sent regarding the alcohol, I explained "why" I asked her about how much he drinks and how much more abusive he is under the influence. I am definitely NOT stating that he's ONLY abusive when he drinks - but rather trying to get the point across in another fashion, since it's clear that the original poster is living with blinders on. That's all.

hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 12:30pm

<< 1)He says that I never remember anything he ever says and it makes him feel empty inside.
2)He doesn't even like to be around me because all I do is talk about problems and I never talk about normal stuff. Also that I just don't know how to have. 3)He doesn't like to take me out to bars or friends house because he thinks that I will cause a scene and embarrass him. 4)He says that I can't have a normal conversation at restaurants because I bring up things that first daters do like,>>etc etc.....

Let's face the facts Myrinalyn! There's is nothing about you that he likes! The problem is not you - it's him. Because like we've all been saying for as long as this thread's been going on (two weeks now) - he does not see himself as the problem. Everything that he takes offense with is normal day to day stuff that all couples do and talk about - yet he's living in this fantasy world, with a fantasy girlfriend in his mind.

Just cut your losses and get out now! I really do wish you the best of luck or I wouldn't keep checking this thread everyday. Let us know how your session went today, is it with the abuse counselor?

hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 1:43pm
You don't have a communication problem. Abusers know how to communicate loud and clear. Do what they say or else they will say and do whatever it takes to get you into line. You just think you have a communication problem because you don't like what he is communicating or how he is communicating it. But I as a stranger on a message board get his what he's saying to you verbally and nonverbally loud and clear.No communication difficulties on his part. Abusers think you are there to serve them, and to meet all their needs and to do everything they say. This is called an attitude of entitlement. They are entitled to have everything their way. If he wants to screw around with other women that is his right and you better accept it or else. If he wants to have quick sex to cum as quick as possible and doesn't want to be bothered with your pleasure, then he has that right and you better shup up and be grateful you even have a man. If he doesn't need to spend time with you in order to be fulfilled, you better be grateful for the morsels of time he does throw your away because he has the right not to be disturbed by your demands. You are there to do the chores, because he doesn't like chores and if you don't like it, that's too damn bad. If he would want to do an activity with you he would but since he doesn't, don't bother him.He does not want to discuss how the money should be spent, he will tell you how the money should be spent. How dare you even try to control his hard earned money.If he feels like getting married he will tell you, but he will not do anything until it suits him and you better shup up with all your complaints and demands. I don't personally believe all this but this is how abusers think. That is the problem is his screwed up selfish controlling thinking. You could be working on these issues from now until forever, but he has no intention of joining you. He is hellbent on having his way no matter what the cost.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 1:45pm
Not all abusers are alchoholics. Not all alchoholics are abusers. It's possible to have both problems. I just pointed that out because women want to fall into the trap of thinking it's just the alchoholism,when the problem is more than that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 2:21pm

Well, this definitely sucks!

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 3:33pm

Let me make sure I understand this. You went into the counselor's office today and told him THIS?:

1) Commitment problems- How he acts in social settings.

2) Trust issues-How he shouldn't talk to women in a closed bathroom. Or call an ex-friend with benefits at 2:30 AM on Christmas Eve.

3) Anger management problems- Verbal & Mental Abuse, throwing things.

4) Communication problems-Swearing, name calling, yelling, belittling, breaking up when not getting along. We need to learn to talk to be able to resolve or conflicts, issues, and problems.

5) Lack of Quality Time-Not spending enough quality time together talking, enjoying each other's company, sharing our goals and dreaming together.

6) Lack of Physical Touch-Quantity and Duration.

7) Plans for the future-Not knowing the direction of the relationship and where it is going.

8) Finding an activity to do together.

9) Dividing up the chores better.

10) Discuss how we manage our money, how much I should pay each month, how much he should get paid for cleaning.

Do I understand that right? If that's the case, you did a huge disservice to yourself and it's absolutely no wonder why you're so frustrated this afternoon. You CANNOT go in and sugarcoat this to someone who is there to HELP you.....face to face. Dividing up the chores? Girl, that is the LEAST of your problems. Do you understand that? Do you understand that if you stay with this man, there is a very good chance that your family will have to bury you? His rage and violence are what you should be concerned with...not his housekeeping abilities. Surely, this is a typo on number ten: "how much he should get PAID for cleaning" His own house? I dunno where you live, but you need to enlighten me. I've wasted all these years cleaning my house thinking it's what I was supposed to do....if there's some la la land I can live that'll pay me, color me there. Finding an activity to do together? Have you read the 130 some odd posts? I don't recall one single time any one of us giving a rat's ass about common activities you can do together. Myrinalyn, please...and I am dead serious....what are you thinking? What is it that hasn't been said to you ten ways to Sunday that you cannot grasp? There are NO redeeming qualities about this man. NONE. You loving him DOES NOT redeem him. He lies. He blames. He cheats. He degrades. He lessens your worth (you allow it, though), he belittles you to OTHER PEOPLE. You can't HONESTLY say that you TRULY expected him to go today, can you? Come on...in your heart of hearts...you had to have known he would bail. And talk about creativity! Dust under his contacts? Hmmm....well, now. YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM GO. YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM CHANGE. Cut your losses. It's SO past time for this. This is a vicious, cruel cycle and you are very, very quickly becoming a bigger enemy to yourself than even he is to you at this point. 90/10? Hell fire....if that's what he wants to think....let him. Why? AGAIN...YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. It doesn't matter what he thinks. And all this talk about abandonment? That's baloney! Quit stressing over how his tender feelings are going to feel. He will grieve this for a total of ten seconds.....until he can replace you. You have GOT to start considering the abandonment to YOURSELF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 3:42pm

Oh Myrinalyn - I am so sorry that you are being treated this way. You know you have choices. I've been "EXACTLY" where you've been before.

<>

That is so not true! What you need to do is WORK ON YOURSELF! Then you won't be in a roller coaster relationship anymore. the reason why you keep going on one is because you have low self-esteem due to baggage from your past. Believe me - I know. I've got baggage from my relationship with my father and I had brought that into my past realtionships.

You know Myrinalyn - the reason why my current relationship is so good? It's because I finally had the guts to leave my abuser ex-boyfriend and moved out and lived alone - completely alone! I found independence, I found freedom, I found "MYSELF"!
My husband now isn't perfect, but I've learned to set boundaries and we both work on communication together.

Believe me when I say this to you Myrinalyn - YOU CAN DO IT! You are not alone, you've got family, you've got freinds, and you've got this message board. If we didn't care - we wouldn't keep writing to you! Just move out! I've been in a worse situation - I didn't make a decent income + I also had my daughter part time so I had to move out with those two things to consider. But I did it! You've got your job - you've got the income, you are working on getting physically healthy. Now give yourself the gift of Mental Health! You deserve it!

hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 4:08pm

I should have explained myself better in the list.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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