Should I move out?
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| Tue, 01-18-2005 - 4:54pm |
I haven't posted here in awhile but really need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been having problems and on New Year's Eve it got worse. Basically, he was flirting with a much younger girl (10 years younger) at a house party. He brought her into the bathroom. I found out just a couple of minutes afterwards. I stormed in (the door was unlocked) and told the girl to get the f*** out. She didn't move. Then, I told him to tell her to get the f*** out. He didn't. Then, I finally said, "If you don't tell her to get the f*** out than we are done". There was no movement. I left and tried to call for a cab on New Year's which was impossible. Long story short, I had to wait until his friends decided to leave 2 hours later. I went home and packed my bag for a couple of days and stayed at a motel. I called and left a message to say where I was. He accussed my of being with another guy. He ended up leaving that night to a party with his friends. He didn't show up until 11:00 AM the next day and went to sleep. I asked him if he cheated on me and he said, "no". But, I still can't believe that he left or that he didn't tell that girl to leave the bathroom.
He realized how serious I was in leaving when I found out that I have been approved for a home loan and started house shopping. So, he decided to go to a counselor with me. We have went once and we have another appointment in a week. He thinks its a trust issue with me and I think it is a lack of commitment on his part. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. We talked about getting married this summer but that is obviously pushed back until we are getting along. I have realized that I don't like him or trust him when he drinks. I even told him that and his response was, "Well, who does?". This isn't the first time that we have had a fight while drinking at a party or bar.
I feel like we are at different stages in our lives. I am 4 1/2 years older than he is. I have never really felt comfortable living together because it is against my belief's. I feel like a hipocrit really because I am not living the life I want to live. I am really through with the parties and bar sceen. I wanted to get married and have children. I posted about this several months ago.
My boyfriend seems to want to work it out and I feel that he wants the counselor to say that I am wrong in not trusting him. He has done and said things that have caused mistrust. It has made me question things which I can understand how it makes him craze but he causes the doubt in the first place. He has told me that we may as well break up if I decided to move out because he doesn't want to move backwards in the relationship. I doesn't even want to go to a counselor if I do move out. I just really want to move out because I am making a lot more income this year and coud use the tax break for next year. He said that I am selfish when I have lived with him for 3 1/2 years. I told him it was only fair that I move out and own my own place and he could rent from me if he wants to. Now, I don't even know if I want him to live with me.
Please help me. Anything you say, I greatly appreciate.

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~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
<< But, now he will say that I am not honest and I am keeping things from him like I did by keeping it a secret about possibly moving in with my friend at work >>
....AND....the guilt-trip goes on! He is so creepy it's almost hysterical. "YOU" are not being honest? Paleeze! Boy I wish he lived near me so I can give him a piece of my mind! You guys don't live in Phoenix Arizona do ya? What is he smoking?
But seriously Myrinalyn - just move along. Have your girlfriend help you pack things tonight - who gives a rats ass about his feelings? You should save all these posts and re-read them after all this is over, you will just be aghast at your BF's behavior. I think I speak for the rest of the posters here that we are all dumbfounded at his nerve and treatment of you. You pay him $500 a month + you clean + you pay for expenditures? Men will stop at nothing to keep a live-in maid won't they? Every once in awhile my husband will bring up why laundry wasn't done (after I've done it for 3 days straight) and I'll answer back "I didn't know I was the maid". Then he stops and just grins at me. The next morning he puts his laundry in the washing machine! So you see what setting boundaries is all about? I never use to be like that - I was exactly like you!
Move out. Enjoy some freedom, spend time with your friends, just be carefree! Go to the gym, go to your counseling sessions. Just find yourself - You'll be surprised to find a beautiful person there! I know you can do it!
THe's MAD that you talked to a friend? This is more examples of classic abuse. If this were a healthy relationship he wouldn't be upset about what you said to others (classic abuse -- keeping it secret) he would be concerned about how you felt and the problems that caused you to talk to others and look for another place to live. He'd be concerned about your relationship, fixing it, finding out what part was his, how to make it better, and on and on. He's not interested in that because he's an abuser with abuser mentality. To him, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, he has no blame here, IT'S ALL YOU. Doesn't this convince you??
I don't understand why you're tearing yourself up about packing when he's there or gone, it doesn't make any difference. He's going to accuse you of something no matter how you do it. You know that. Since that's the way it is, do it the way you want, he's going to blame you no matter how you do it. Funny, ins't it? You're concerned about him and what he'll think but you're not concerned abot you. He's concerned about himself and isn't at all concerned about you too. You need to be on your side, he isnt.
SO WHAT if he does say that???? The guy is a controlling, manipulative abuser who will say ANYTHING now that he knows you're actually showing signs of growing a spine!
You SHOULD be keeping things from him...to keep yourself SAFE!
And I'm sorry, but the counselor you saw today is jut NOT a good one based on what you've posted about his advice.
Sheri
>>>I was going to have a friend help me pack while he was at class tonight. But, now he will say that I am not honest and I am keeping things from him like I did by keeping it a secret about possibly moving in with my friend at work.<<<
It doesn't matter what he says. You cannot break up with him and make him think it's okay. You can't stay and make the relationship on your own either. The only option you have is to leave and disappoint him - and that is just how it will be. Tell him flat out, "I am sorry you are disappointed that I'm moving out and will be taking care of myself, but I have to do this, and if you think less of me for moving out, that is okay because our relationship is over."
You may have given away too much of yourself, but look down. Do you see both arms, legs, mid section? Do you have your head on? You are all there, right? You have not given away anything you can't get back by working on yourself, reading and going to therapy, but this will only happen if you leave. If you stay you will just keep giving away pieces of yourself a little bit every day until your just gone.
Ah Sweetie, this is so not your fault. Nobody starts a fight over a dusty car and nobody whines about contact lens problems then refuses help to end the problem -- at least nobody over the age of 12. This isn't you, it isn't about you, it's him and his attitude, his anger, his abusive behavior. Here again, he's looking to place all the blame on you, okay, 90% of it. Come on! You know that's not so, don't you? Did you read my thoughts to the issues you brought up yesterday? He's wrong in every one. His thinking isn't appropriate, rational or fair. He believes he's better than you, entitled to do what he wants, and what he wants is not subject to change or discussion. It's his way or the highway basically. The problem is, his way is so demeaning, so disrespectful, and abusive on top of it all that his way shouldn't be an option to anyone - ever.
The others who posted are right, it doesn't matter how you pack or when you pack he's always found complete fault in everything you do, he'll find reason to complain and find fault in this too, no matter how you do it. I think you need to do it the way you want, considering you'll get the same flack no matter how you do it. If I were you I'd prefer to do it when he's not around. Who wants to listen to his negative, emotionally abusive crap if you don't have to? Why would you put yourself through that? What I really hope you'll do is pack up and GO, no packing and waiting for that magical day when it seems better to do. Just walk out the door and don't look back. Yes, I know it's scary. I'm the worlds worst with change. I hate it, hate it, hate it. And for you, my dear, when you take that step into that fuzzy world you can't see (out his front door) that's when the good stuff will begin. The fuzz will change to clarity and you'll realize what hell you've really been living in. You won't realize it until it's not a part of your life anymore. You'll feel such a weight lifted and that knot in your stomach will magically untie. No more worry about what to say/do or not to say/do, you'll make your decisions without worrying and second guessing whether he'll deem them stupid, berate you for making them and give you hell for having chosen what you chose. You'll make those same decisions, but you'll have no one to answer to but yourself. It's freeing and it feels sooo good to know that you don't have to worry about what his reaction might be. But you've got to take that first step to get there and you need to do it for yourself.
I agree with the others that your counselor is wrong. You first have to remember that he's not an abuse counselor and is not trained to identify, assess or recognize classic actions and reactions to living in abusive situations. Please don't "learn" any more that he has to "teach" you. He's harming you with his incorrect and unqualified assessments and is doing just what is commonly done by counselors who are treating abuse without the training to recognize or deal with abusive situations, he's making you worse, feeding you full of incorrect blame, adding to the damage that's been done to you over these last three relationships. He's not making you better Myrinalyn, all these years you've been going to him he's been making you worse. You don't love the rollercoaster and you aren't a thrill seeker. You are an abused woman and you need to de-tox. For years you've been filled with toxic words, blame and actions. You've lived in a toxic environment day in and day out. What you need is to move away from the toxicity and find a therapist who can help you de-tox. It's not your fault, you're reacting to the abuse.
I don't think you need to try and tell anyone here how good he is at making everything your fault. We've seen that from the very beginning. Honey, please see it's time to go, please call your friend, pack a bag and move in tonight. Go back with your friend tomorrow or over the weekend for the rest of your stuff, but don't go back alone. Realize if you're living with a friend you won't be alone, but it'll be a start of living on your own, you know? This has got to end and it needs to happen now. If it's too late tonight, how about packing a bag and taking it to work with you tomorrow, that way you can leave for work and just not come back?
It sounds scary and you don't think you can do it, but you can. All you have to do is walk and you can do that. Reread all your posts. Pretend they're not your posts and see what you think about this situation. For just a little while stop believing all the negative, lousy crap you've been hearing about yourself all these years and believe that you are a good, intelligent woman who is better, much better than she's been told and who deserves much more than she's been given. Stand up for you, Myrinalyn. Believe in yourself and know that all of us are cheering you on. So many of us have been where you are. Don't for a second think you're the only one or that we don't understand. We've all taken that first step, we've all been confused and scared. We know how incredibly good it is on "the other side" and we want you to join us here. We know you won't be sorry that you did, not for a second. Believe in yourself, Myrinalyn, you can do it.
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
But, now he will say that I am not honest and I am keeping things from him like I did by keeping it a secret about possibly moving in with my friend at work.
Umm.....exactly WHY does this clown deserve your honesty? Was he honest about any of the things he did? Like, exactly why was he in the bathroom with the girl? Maybe SHE had something under her contact lens....
I would go with a "don't ask, don't tell" mindset on the packing and moving out. Don't volunteer any information, no matter how much you think you should. He doesn't need to know everything all at once. And when you leave, just tell him that since you are such a burden on him and obviously aren't good for him, you are leaving. Yes, I know that sounds like you are taking the blame again for things, but if he is going to blame you for everything anyway, why not "admit" to some of it and get the hell out of there? As long as YOU and your friend from work know the truth about the situation, who cares what he thinks?
Also, just imagine what you could do for yourself with the money you WON'T be spending on him, the bills and "rent". Even though you'll have to pay your friend rent and 1/2 the bills, it sounds like you will still have money left over. Do something for yourself. Get a pedicure. Get a massage. If you like coffee, buy yourself some fancy, expensive fou-fou coffee and enjoy a cup every day, in peace and quiet. You will be amazed at how your thinking will clear up and straighten out after you leave him. You will stop hearing the "you are crap, you are worthless, it's all your fault" spiel he gives you continuously, and once you stop hearing that, other things will start to sink in and make themselves heard. After you leave, don't stop seeing the DV counsellor. They will help tremendously in the transition stage and will help you sort out the fallout of the relationship. Hang in there. Pack your stuff, at least the important things (papers, bank records, personal mementoes, things that CANNOT be replaced), tell him bye, and get your rear the hell out of there. You won't regret it, promise.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
Congratulations! This is a huge step towards an amazing new chapter in your life!
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