Should I move out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Should I move out?
293
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 4:54pm

I haven't posted here in awhile but really need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been having problems and on New Year's Eve it got worse. Basically, he was flirting with a much younger girl (10 years younger) at a house party. He brought her into the bathroom. I found out just a couple of minutes afterwards. I stormed in (the door was unlocked) and told the girl to get the f*** out. She didn't move. Then, I told him to tell her to get the f*** out. He didn't. Then, I finally said, "If you don't tell her to get the f*** out than we are done". There was no movement. I left and tried to call for a cab on New Year's which was impossible. Long story short, I had to wait until his friends decided to leave 2 hours later. I went home and packed my bag for a couple of days and stayed at a motel. I called and left a message to say where I was. He accussed my of being with another guy. He ended up leaving that night to a party with his friends. He didn't show up until 11:00 AM the next day and went to sleep. I asked him if he cheated on me and he said, "no". But, I still can't believe that he left or that he didn't tell that girl to leave the bathroom.

He realized how serious I was in leaving when I found out that I have been approved for a home loan and started house shopping. So, he decided to go to a counselor with me. We have went once and we have another appointment in a week. He thinks its a trust issue with me and I think it is a lack of commitment on his part. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. We talked about getting married this summer but that is obviously pushed back until we are getting along. I have realized that I don't like him or trust him when he drinks. I even told him that and his response was, "Well, who does?". This isn't the first time that we have had a fight while drinking at a party or bar.

I feel like we are at different stages in our lives. I am 4 1/2 years older than he is. I have never really felt comfortable living together because it is against my belief's. I feel like a hipocrit really because I am not living the life I want to live. I am really through with the parties and bar sceen. I wanted to get married and have children. I posted about this several months ago.

My boyfriend seems to want to work it out and I feel that he wants the counselor to say that I am wrong in not trusting him. He has done and said things that have caused mistrust. It has made me question things which I can understand how it makes him craze but he causes the doubt in the first place. He has told me that we may as well break up if I decided to move out because he doesn't want to move backwards in the relationship. I doesn't even want to go to a counselor if I do move out. I just really want to move out because I am making a lot more income this year and coud use the tax break for next year. He said that I am selfish when I have lived with him for 3 1/2 years. I told him it was only fair that I move out and own my own place and he could rent from me if he wants to. Now, I don't even know if I want him to live with me.

Please help me. Anything you say, I greatly appreciate.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 3:05pm
Good for you. I would wait and keep him from realizing until Wednesday when the rest of your family can help. Since it's his home, he can change the locks and keep you from getting the rest of your stuff if he wants. A similar thing happened to me once, I was living with a bf and his was the only name on the lease. I had to get a police officer to talk him into letting me get my clothes, but that was all I could get.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 6:22pm

Wow!

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 12:09am

Myrinalyn, I want to be sure you didn't misunderstand, Firstamendment said the police were only able to assist her in getting her clothes, nothing more. They won't be able to negotiate what is yours, not yours, etc. in the way of household items.




You feel like you're keeping a huge secret because you are keeping a huge secret! It probably feels wrong and/or you feel guilty about doing all this without his knowing, but you know what? You need to. His actions and attitude say it's the right thing to do, being open and honest would be nothing but hell and would be counterproductive for you emotionally and likely physically too.




You have come a long way -- your posts have changed dramatically in just the last few days. It's a good change, a change that says you've grown, you're more sure of yourself, more confident and more realistic. It's okay to still feel unsure and un-confident (is that a word?), you're moving in the right direction.




The house sounds very promising -- and exciting, scary too, yes? You may think scary suggests it's a bad thing, but I don't know anyone who doesn't feel a little scared stepping into that kind of sales contract, married or not, I know I haven't. Not only do I think that's natural, I think it's healthy to feel a little "fear". Instead of looking at the situation as ironic, I see it as promising. Moving away from your relationship means having the chance to find a healthy, non-abusive relationship and ultimately the marriage you want as well. This is the beginning of a chance, not the end of one!




Would it be correct to assume since your family's helping you pack that they now know the kind of relationship you've been living in? If that's true, and I hope it is, it's a very good thing. Secrecy keeps a bad situation alive and thriving, it also allows the person holding the secret able to lie to themselves about the situation. Somehow just hearing yourself say the words out loud, looking people you know and love in the face and telling them what's happening helps you see the stark reality of your situation. Another way of looking at is it that if there's nothing wrong with it their should be nothing to lie about or to keep secret. You should be able to fully explain how you're living, if you can't it means you really need to, you know?




When you have your confrontation, have it while your brother's with you. That'll keep it much less volatile and much more civil. I would suggest you not share with him the phone number of the place you're moving to (assuming you're moving in with your friend), but if he already knows it, letting her answering machine pick up all calls from him will probably keep his messages civil. I'd change my cell number immediately and I wouldn't tell him or give him my new number. If you have a direct line at work, if it's possible, have all calls routed through the switchboard for a while. Again, if he tries to harass you and knows the switchboard can verify that he called, or that he calls frequently, it will probably keep his calls to a minimum and more civil. Remember that you don't have to listen to anything you don't feel is appropriate. If he calls and is nasty, abusive, hurtful, etc., hang up. You don't have to take calls that there's no reason to take and you don't have to listen to anything that's not appropriate.




Am I right in thinking your first appointment with the abuse counselor is tomorrow? Be sure to let us know how that goes. You've made some incredible steps in the past few weeks, you have much to be proud of!

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 9:26am
Yes, you are correct. Legally my bf didn't even have to let me in to get the clothes. It was only because the police officer went the extra mile and started negotiating with my bf (instead of just standing there ensuring there was no violence). My bf was adamant that I was not coming in to get anything, and the police officer couldn't force him to let me. What the police officer said was, "Unless you are planning to dress up in them, at least let her have her clothes." That did it and he let me in. But the other things I had there, things like a computer, tv, etc., I had to leave those behind. I never got them back.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:26am

Hi every time and everyone else here~

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:44am

I am so so happy to hear how things are going for you Myrinalyn! I was worried when you didn't post on Friday & I figured one of two things happened! It is very scary - but we all knew you could do it. In my situation I did move out but I still agreed to see my ex-loser boyfriend. And it wasn't a pretty site. I made the mistake of not changing the utility bills out of my name so he racked up an electric bill over $700 plus my cable bill was over $200. He also continued to fight with me - probably got worse as he saw that he was losing control over me and broke my lamp, my dining room chair and threw a glass candler holder & hit my oven which shattered the front of the oven. I had to pay for that and he never offered to pay to fix anything. Please re-read my last statement. His abuse "GOT WORSE" as he started to lose control over me. He then threatened to slash my car tires. But what he didn't realize was that I had neighbors who overheard all this and eventually someone called the police and I got a little business card from a detective. I was pretty frightened and had to hide my car in another parking spot and spent a couple of nights with no lights on so he wouldn't know I was home. I also had to lie to my boss & co-workers so I could take time off from work and fix the damage he did in my apartment. What finally did it for me was when I let him stay (after all that) and he layed around my couch for two days (with his dog) and I came home on my lunch break - food in hand for him - and I took his dog downstairs and was shoveling dog crap while he stood on my balcony and smoked a cigarette. Can you imagine me shoveling his dogs crap and rushing over to bring him his lunch while he laid on my couch? That was it!
So - take these baby steps towards moving out! Just please be cautious. Take everyone's advise and protect yourself. Be it your family or movers - have someone there when you do it, plus you have the advantage because if he causes a scene - it will jeapardize his career. Stay safe and keep us posted on your progress! You're doing great!

*** Hugs ***

Maryanne0424

hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:58am

Yes, I did understand about how you were only able to get a few things when you had the police officer help you.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 11:10am
I am so freaking confused now!

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 1:02pm
Don't be confused! Just be determined! Determined to take back your life! Determined to take back your happiness! Determined to find yourself! Don't even think twice about it. We all just want you to be cautious. You're moving in the right direction. If your boyfriend was even the least bit concerned about your relationship, he'd have done somthing about it a long long time ago. But as you (and us) have seen in the past two weeks - he doesn't care about anything but himself. So why shouldn't you feel the same way about towards him? Myrinalyn - you are the only one who's going to take care of YOU! Honey - if I was near you, I'd personally help you move your things and I don't even know you. But he won't even lift a finger to help you. Whether it's physically or emotionally, he just doesn't have it in him. YES - I still have issues that I'm dealing with from my abusive boyfriend, those issues are anger! But it's the anger which helped me to maove out and move on with my life. and I have slowly come to feel pity for him now after 2+ years of being broken up because I realized that he just wasn't ever capable of treating me right! EVER! So some day you'll be a much stronger person and then you'll come to accept that in him as well. He is just not the person you thought he was. Those things he does to you is not love. He doesn't know how to love. Just remember that and keep moving forward. Personally, I wouldn't say one word to him on Tuesday - just move all your stuff out. Be Strong!
hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 1:44pm

Hi everyone!

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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