Should I move out?
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| Tue, 01-18-2005 - 4:54pm |
I haven't posted here in awhile but really need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been having problems and on New Year's Eve it got worse. Basically, he was flirting with a much younger girl (10 years younger) at a house party. He brought her into the bathroom. I found out just a couple of minutes afterwards. I stormed in (the door was unlocked) and told the girl to get the f*** out. She didn't move. Then, I told him to tell her to get the f*** out. He didn't. Then, I finally said, "If you don't tell her to get the f*** out than we are done". There was no movement. I left and tried to call for a cab on New Year's which was impossible. Long story short, I had to wait until his friends decided to leave 2 hours later. I went home and packed my bag for a couple of days and stayed at a motel. I called and left a message to say where I was. He accussed my of being with another guy. He ended up leaving that night to a party with his friends. He didn't show up until 11:00 AM the next day and went to sleep. I asked him if he cheated on me and he said, "no". But, I still can't believe that he left or that he didn't tell that girl to leave the bathroom.
He realized how serious I was in leaving when I found out that I have been approved for a home loan and started house shopping. So, he decided to go to a counselor with me. We have went once and we have another appointment in a week. He thinks its a trust issue with me and I think it is a lack of commitment on his part. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. We talked about getting married this summer but that is obviously pushed back until we are getting along. I have realized that I don't like him or trust him when he drinks. I even told him that and his response was, "Well, who does?". This isn't the first time that we have had a fight while drinking at a party or bar.
I feel like we are at different stages in our lives. I am 4 1/2 years older than he is. I have never really felt comfortable living together because it is against my belief's. I feel like a hipocrit really because I am not living the life I want to live. I am really through with the parties and bar sceen. I wanted to get married and have children. I posted about this several months ago.
My boyfriend seems to want to work it out and I feel that he wants the counselor to say that I am wrong in not trusting him. He has done and said things that have caused mistrust. It has made me question things which I can understand how it makes him craze but he causes the doubt in the first place. He has told me that we may as well break up if I decided to move out because he doesn't want to move backwards in the relationship. I doesn't even want to go to a counselor if I do move out. I just really want to move out because I am making a lot more income this year and coud use the tax break for next year. He said that I am selfish when I have lived with him for 3 1/2 years. I told him it was only fair that I move out and own my own place and he could rent from me if he wants to. Now, I don't even know if I want him to live with me.
Please help me. Anything you say, I greatly appreciate.

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You are so right.
Myrinalyn, if he blames you just turn it around on him, it's his fault for x or y or z. Use any reason you want, his cancelling the counseling sessions, his kicking you out, his breaking stuff... take your pick.
I guess, I just can't let this just come as a surprise to him.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
I think much more is at risk if you tell him you're moving than your stuff! He might decide to punch your head this time instead of the walls...
You are not playing games, you are doing what you need to do in order to stay safe.
When do you see the counselor who specializes in abuse cases? I would not do anything with respect to telling him until you speak to her.
Sheri
That is a good idea.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
Let us know how it goes!
I was going to say the same thing NWWanderer said -- if you tell him ahead of time you're putting yourself at risk for great physical danger. I understand how it feels to keep this a secret. You feel secrecy equals deceit. In this case it's keeping you safe and looking after yourself, something that you should be doing. Talk to the counselor first. Betcha s/he tells you to get your stuff out then tell him. Yeah, he'll be mad, but you know he'll be mad whether you tell him ahead or not. Telling him after it's a done deal just assures that you can't be the punching bag he takes it out on and your stuff can't be what he chooses to destroy as a result of his rage (and you know it'll be your stuff). You also know he'll come unglued whether you tell him face to face before hand or over the phone after the fact. So what's the difference? The difference is your safety and the difference is you not having to deal with the explosion that'll come either way. You need to look after you, and there's no reason in the world that you should have to deal with his rage even one more time. Allow yourself that peace. Allow yourself that safety.
And when you are moving your stuff, be sure your father or your brother is helping you -- just in case he should show up unexpectedly, don't you do it alone.
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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