Should I move out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Should I move out?
293
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 4:54pm

I haven't posted here in awhile but really need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been having problems and on New Year's Eve it got worse. Basically, he was flirting with a much younger girl (10 years younger) at a house party. He brought her into the bathroom. I found out just a couple of minutes afterwards. I stormed in (the door was unlocked) and told the girl to get the f*** out. She didn't move. Then, I told him to tell her to get the f*** out. He didn't. Then, I finally said, "If you don't tell her to get the f*** out than we are done". There was no movement. I left and tried to call for a cab on New Year's which was impossible. Long story short, I had to wait until his friends decided to leave 2 hours later. I went home and packed my bag for a couple of days and stayed at a motel. I called and left a message to say where I was. He accussed my of being with another guy. He ended up leaving that night to a party with his friends. He didn't show up until 11:00 AM the next day and went to sleep. I asked him if he cheated on me and he said, "no". But, I still can't believe that he left or that he didn't tell that girl to leave the bathroom.

He realized how serious I was in leaving when I found out that I have been approved for a home loan and started house shopping. So, he decided to go to a counselor with me. We have went once and we have another appointment in a week. He thinks its a trust issue with me and I think it is a lack of commitment on his part. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. We talked about getting married this summer but that is obviously pushed back until we are getting along. I have realized that I don't like him or trust him when he drinks. I even told him that and his response was, "Well, who does?". This isn't the first time that we have had a fight while drinking at a party or bar.

I feel like we are at different stages in our lives. I am 4 1/2 years older than he is. I have never really felt comfortable living together because it is against my belief's. I feel like a hipocrit really because I am not living the life I want to live. I am really through with the parties and bar sceen. I wanted to get married and have children. I posted about this several months ago.

My boyfriend seems to want to work it out and I feel that he wants the counselor to say that I am wrong in not trusting him. He has done and said things that have caused mistrust. It has made me question things which I can understand how it makes him craze but he causes the doubt in the first place. He has told me that we may as well break up if I decided to move out because he doesn't want to move backwards in the relationship. I doesn't even want to go to a counselor if I do move out. I just really want to move out because I am making a lot more income this year and coud use the tax break for next year. He said that I am selfish when I have lived with him for 3 1/2 years. I told him it was only fair that I move out and own my own place and he could rent from me if he wants to. Now, I don't even know if I want him to live with me.

Please help me. Anything you say, I greatly appreciate.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 2:13pm
You are being dishonest in order to protect yourself. Tell him beforehand if you want. But if he changes the locks and you lose all your stuff, don't say I didn't warn you. Maybe it will work out just fine. You have to do what you think is best.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 2:17pm
If I was in your shoes I wouldn't even "care" what label he used to break up. But that's just me. Just know in your heart that you are protecting yourself and then your conscious can be clear. It's not that your being deceitful - you two have discussed this and he did afterall kick you out, right? So don't worry too much about what he thinks. That's the guilt trip/mind-control mumbo jumbo that he'll pull on you. He'll turn it around to make you look like the bad person. He feeds on your victim mentality and re-inforces it. That's why you keep getting into abusive relationships. Just get "ALL" your things and if you have to take a day off on Wednesday - just do it! Get your family to help and get on out of there. Don't even listen to whatever guilt trip he's gonna lay on you. Just keep telling yourself that you are taking care of you! You are a good person Myrinalyn - keep telling yourself that!
hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 2:20pm

You are so right.

Myrinalyn, if he blames you just turn it around on him, it's his fault for x or y or z. Use any reason you want, his cancelling the counseling sessions, his kicking you out, his breaking stuff... take your pick.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 2:55pm
You owe him NO explanation. It does not matter if he breaks up with you after this. I can assure you that this is going to be SO minor and irrelevent when you look back on it...this whole sequence of trying to define exactly what it was that put that final nail in the coffin, so to speak. By giving him a head's up, is it possible you are giving him that final, "OK, here's your absolute, final, very last chance to keep me" statement? You don't owe him anything and hon, you have given him SO many "last chances". You owe it to yourself to run with that leap of faith in YOURSELF. Don't tell him. Don't sweat it being dishonest, don't offer any kind of explanation. If he doesn't know he's a jackass by now, trust me, he's not going to do an inventory of himself because you leave him and have some miraculous turn-around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 4:19pm

I guess, I just can't let this just come as a surprise to him.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 4:28pm

I think much more is at risk if you tell him you're moving than your stuff! He might decide to punch your head this time instead of the walls...

You are not playing games, you are doing what you need to do in order to stay safe.

When do you see the counselor who specializes in abuse cases? I would not do anything with respect to telling him until you speak to her.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 4:58pm

That is a good idea.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 5:07pm
Great advice, Northwestwander! And good for you, Myrinalyn for taking it!! Just bide your time and bite your tongue.
Let us know how it goes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 9:16pm

I was going to say the same thing NWWanderer said -- if you tell him ahead of time you're putting yourself at risk for great physical danger. I understand how it feels to keep this a secret. You feel secrecy equals deceit. In this case it's keeping you safe and looking after yourself, something that you should be doing. Talk to the counselor first. Betcha s/he tells you to get your stuff out then tell him. Yeah, he'll be mad, but you know he'll be mad whether you tell him ahead or not. Telling him after it's a done deal just assures that you can't be the punching bag he takes it out on and your stuff can't be what he chooses to destroy as a result of his rage (and you know it'll be your stuff). You also know he'll come unglued whether you tell him face to face before hand or over the phone after the fact. So what's the difference? The difference is your safety and the difference is you not having to deal with the explosion that'll come either way. You need to look after you, and there's no reason in the world that you should have to deal with his rage even one more time. Allow yourself that peace. Allow yourself that safety.




And when you are moving your stuff, be sure your father or your brother is helping you -- just in case he should show up unexpectedly, don't you do it alone.

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 11:04pm
Abusers don't need reasons. If they don't have reasons, they make them up. They always have something to use against you no matter what you do.

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