Should I move out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Should I move out?
293
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 4:54pm

I haven't posted here in awhile but really need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been having problems and on New Year's Eve it got worse. Basically, he was flirting with a much younger girl (10 years younger) at a house party. He brought her into the bathroom. I found out just a couple of minutes afterwards. I stormed in (the door was unlocked) and told the girl to get the f*** out. She didn't move. Then, I told him to tell her to get the f*** out. He didn't. Then, I finally said, "If you don't tell her to get the f*** out than we are done". There was no movement. I left and tried to call for a cab on New Year's which was impossible. Long story short, I had to wait until his friends decided to leave 2 hours later. I went home and packed my bag for a couple of days and stayed at a motel. I called and left a message to say where I was. He accussed my of being with another guy. He ended up leaving that night to a party with his friends. He didn't show up until 11:00 AM the next day and went to sleep. I asked him if he cheated on me and he said, "no". But, I still can't believe that he left or that he didn't tell that girl to leave the bathroom.

He realized how serious I was in leaving when I found out that I have been approved for a home loan and started house shopping. So, he decided to go to a counselor with me. We have went once and we have another appointment in a week. He thinks its a trust issue with me and I think it is a lack of commitment on his part. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. We talked about getting married this summer but that is obviously pushed back until we are getting along. I have realized that I don't like him or trust him when he drinks. I even told him that and his response was, "Well, who does?". This isn't the first time that we have had a fight while drinking at a party or bar.

I feel like we are at different stages in our lives. I am 4 1/2 years older than he is. I have never really felt comfortable living together because it is against my belief's. I feel like a hipocrit really because I am not living the life I want to live. I am really through with the parties and bar sceen. I wanted to get married and have children. I posted about this several months ago.

My boyfriend seems to want to work it out and I feel that he wants the counselor to say that I am wrong in not trusting him. He has done and said things that have caused mistrust. It has made me question things which I can understand how it makes him craze but he causes the doubt in the first place. He has told me that we may as well break up if I decided to move out because he doesn't want to move backwards in the relationship. I doesn't even want to go to a counselor if I do move out. I just really want to move out because I am making a lot more income this year and coud use the tax break for next year. He said that I am selfish when I have lived with him for 3 1/2 years. I told him it was only fair that I move out and own my own place and he could rent from me if he wants to. Now, I don't even know if I want him to live with me.

Please help me. Anything you say, I greatly appreciate.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 10:35am
Well, my boyfriend called and managed to get that money from me somehow.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 10:46am

Again, I think waiting until you get a chance to discuss this with the counselor at 11 this morning and come up with a plan for you leaving would be the best course of action. Be open to the counselor's suggestions and input. And let us know how it goes!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 11:02am

>>>I think that I should leave my boyfriend an email explaining how I just think it would be best if I move out because I simply don't feel right about it anymore. I am going to the counselor's office today at 11:00 AM. How does this sound?<<<

I think it sounds like you've ignored every word each of us has said on the matter. That's fine, you don't have to agree with what we've said and all the reasons we've given for not telling him you are moving beforehand - this is your choice to make and yours to live with. But don't expect anyone to say, "Hey that sounds like a great idea to tell him ahead of time in an email." You are a smart girl. You know that we all think you need to keep this from him until you are already moved.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 11:50am

Why would you push leaving him a message now when in just a few hours you can have a much better informed opinion to talk to about this? You may learn things there that will completely change how you've been seeing this, why make a move that you won't be able to take back before going to the appointment?

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 1:19pm

>>>I think that I should leave my boyfriend an email explaining how I just think it would be best if I move out because I simply don't feel right about it anymore. I am going to the counselor's office today at 11:00 AM. How does this sound?<<<

I think I know what's going on here! You want some sort of Last Chance affirmation from your boyfriend to stop you from leaving. That's why you keep posting about wanting to let him know in advance that you are leaving. I've done this in different ways: Walking out mad telling him it's over when in the back of my mind I want him to stop me..etc....

I know it's hard Myrinalyn but by shutting that door right now you'll heal that much faster. If you read my post yesterday I told you my story of how I moved out but still kept that door open - it gave him that much more time to screw me over! Plus it took that much longer for me to heal emotionally.

He's still working his control over you - you gave him money afterall. Well just move on from there...You've taken big steps & tomorrow you will take your biggest. Remember who's important here - It's you! And we're all cheering for you! Just keep packing and move to your parents, your girlfriends, or a place of your own. Don't worry about how close or far you are from him - STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM! You will be fine without him and you will unravel a beautiful person inside - YOU!

hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 1:30pm

Good catch, Maryanne!

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 4:24pm

I feel like I am going crazy!

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 4:40pm

Like I said, it's your decision. But once he knows you are leaving he might step up the violence to try and get you to stay... or he could change the locks and you won't need to move out because your stuff will now belong to him, or have been sold or thrown out. It's up to you if you want to take the risk.

I am sorry the counseling session was a disappointment. Was most of the time spent telling her about your situation? Do you have another appointment scheduled with her?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 5:50pm

Do you mind sharing what you spent the session talking about? Where you honest with her about the facts of your situation? It doesn't make sense to me that a counselor experienced with abuse situations wouldn't focus on making a plan for getting you out safely (since you are ready to leave), but maybe she was focusing on something else?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 6:24pm

Well, as far as the session, all we really talked about was the percentage and types of abuse that I have had in my lifetime and with whom.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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