Should I move out?
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| Tue, 01-18-2005 - 4:54pm |
I haven't posted here in awhile but really need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been having problems and on New Year's Eve it got worse. Basically, he was flirting with a much younger girl (10 years younger) at a house party. He brought her into the bathroom. I found out just a couple of minutes afterwards. I stormed in (the door was unlocked) and told the girl to get the f*** out. She didn't move. Then, I told him to tell her to get the f*** out. He didn't. Then, I finally said, "If you don't tell her to get the f*** out than we are done". There was no movement. I left and tried to call for a cab on New Year's which was impossible. Long story short, I had to wait until his friends decided to leave 2 hours later. I went home and packed my bag for a couple of days and stayed at a motel. I called and left a message to say where I was. He accussed my of being with another guy. He ended up leaving that night to a party with his friends. He didn't show up until 11:00 AM the next day and went to sleep. I asked him if he cheated on me and he said, "no". But, I still can't believe that he left or that he didn't tell that girl to leave the bathroom.
He realized how serious I was in leaving when I found out that I have been approved for a home loan and started house shopping. So, he decided to go to a counselor with me. We have went once and we have another appointment in a week. He thinks its a trust issue with me and I think it is a lack of commitment on his part. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. We talked about getting married this summer but that is obviously pushed back until we are getting along. I have realized that I don't like him or trust him when he drinks. I even told him that and his response was, "Well, who does?". This isn't the first time that we have had a fight while drinking at a party or bar.
I feel like we are at different stages in our lives. I am 4 1/2 years older than he is. I have never really felt comfortable living together because it is against my belief's. I feel like a hipocrit really because I am not living the life I want to live. I am really through with the parties and bar sceen. I wanted to get married and have children. I posted about this several months ago.
My boyfriend seems to want to work it out and I feel that he wants the counselor to say that I am wrong in not trusting him. He has done and said things that have caused mistrust. It has made me question things which I can understand how it makes him craze but he causes the doubt in the first place. He has told me that we may as well break up if I decided to move out because he doesn't want to move backwards in the relationship. I doesn't even want to go to a counselor if I do move out. I just really want to move out because I am making a lot more income this year and coud use the tax break for next year. He said that I am selfish when I have lived with him for 3 1/2 years. I told him it was only fair that I move out and own my own place and he could rent from me if he wants to. Now, I don't even know if I want him to live with me.
Please help me. Anything you say, I greatly appreciate.

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Well Myrinalyn, we all told you an abuse therapist wouldn't push you to get out, but it looks like that's what you were expecting her to do. I guess I understand your frustration at not getting to your current situation, but therapy always starts with getting the history and it sounds like that's exactly what happened. Your therapist can't competently help you without first knowing your history. I'm glad you were open and honest with her. If you're concerned about coming to work crying, it sounds like keeping that appointment for President's Day would be your best bet. You're disappointed that you didn't get to more of your current situation and it seems that you're wanting to get to it, why not keep the appointment that lets you see her again as soon as possible?
So he called and he was nice to you. No big surprise, it shouldn't surprise you at all. He's been nice before and he'll be nice again. You also know what else will come again -- the anger, the verbal and emotional abuse and the physical abuse too. It's all a part of the package that is him and it will all come around again and again and again.
Telling him at your other counseling appointment won't do anything but assure you won't be physically abused at that time. He can still do it later (and he might be more angry because you did it in front of someone else, look how mad he was when you talked to a co-worker about moving in), he can still lock you out, refuse to let you have your things, or destroy them before allowing you entrance. I guess I don't know what you expect to accomplish by telling him in front of your therapist. If you're going to leave, I'd really suggest you either get all your things and vacate while he's gone, or show up with your brother and father to announce you're leaving, pick up your belongings and leave. That will keep you safe and assure that you get the things that belong to you.
In a previous post you worried about his reaction because he knew that you'd left your husband the same way. To that I say, so what??? This is about you, Myrinalyn, your safety and your health. You are being abused in this relationship and you were being abused in that one too. What does it matter what he thinks and who cares anyway? This is your life, your safety, your health and you are the only one who's looking after you. What he thinks shouldn't count for squat. YOU are what matters, Myrinalyn, not his opinion. As you know, no matter what you do he'll find a way to judge it as wrong, stupid, hysterical, whatever so quit worrying what he'll come up with and start caring about yourself!
Living with your parents for a month to save money sounds great, being in that safe, supported environment at a time like this would be good too. I think your plan to negotiate for a pay raise at your upcoming eval is a good idea. I wouldn't worry about doing that then asking for time off because they know you, they know your work and they will certainly understand and allow you to take some time off here and there. It may affect your work performance for a short time, but over the projected year, it won't make a blip on your record. You know that, and they know what they can expect from you on a year-by-year basis, they aren't looking at day-by-day.
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Well, I spoke with my bf a little bit last night.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
I have a question for you.
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
Myrinalyn, he doesn't believe he should have to work on the relationship or do anything to make you happy. All along he's told you this is all your fault, you are the one who needs to realize that the problems are all yours and are all caused by you. It's not him -- at least he doesn't think so. Like you said, you can't change him. He's never given a damn what you want, what makes you happy, never taken responsibility for a problem or an issue, never done anything but exactly what he wants to do. He doesn't want to work on problems or make you happy. He wants to do what he wants to do and he wants you to shut up about it and be satisfied with whatever he decides to do. It's all about him, and it always has been.
Sweetie, you're seeing non-fighting and nice moments as indications of change. They're not. They're just moments, that's all. He's still who he is, and he'll still do what he does every day, all the time. This is him, Myrinalyn. This is who and what he is.
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I have a question for you, Myrinalyn. What did you tell your parents and your brother about you moving out? Why do they think you're going? What did you tell them?
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
What did I tell my parents and brothers about moving out?
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
<<< I have a question for you. My boyfriend just informed me that he plans on going out this Saturday night with his friends. This frustrates me! Shouldn't he be trying to date me and try and get a long with me? Why would he want to go out with his friends and not work on things with me? >>>
Myrinalyn - Should this even surprise you? Re-read your posts from the past week. He's broken up with you - he's told you to get out - he says that moving out would be the best thing.... Why do you keep grasping at straws here? And frankly - why would you even "WANT" to have a relationship w/ the SOB? And the last post about your father saying that you should have waited to see what your boyfriend would have done in the bathroom with that girl? NO....No normal happy relationship involves a SO going into the bathromm with someone of the opposite sex. Kudos to you for not agreeing with your father. Counseling session or not - you NEED TO MOVE OUT SOON! Stop finding every excuse in the book to delay moving out. If our senators and supreme court justices delayed everything they did just because they have PMS or their period - our country would be in more of a mess then it already is! Think about it. STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM!!
From Cl-2nd Life:
<<>>
Let those words sink in - they are so so true! I don't know how much more we can all say it to you! He's an abuser and he always will be with you! He's not for you! Sorry to be so harsh but you are waffling on your decisions and that's part of your core problem is indecision and fear of change. You sounded so strong a couple of days ago. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
<< My boyfriend just informed me that he plans on going out this Saturday night with his friends. This frustrates me! >>>
Oh and one more thing I'd like to add....His wanting to go out Saturday night is his "ploy" to regain control and mastery over you. He's putting it back in your lap to see if you can control "your" anger. See how he's doing the abuse thing. Abuse is not only physical but very mental. See how he's messing with your mind?
Your BF "Oh I'd like to go with you to the next couseling session and by the way - I'm going out Saturday night"....he's treating you like you'd train a dog. It's like Operative Conditioning in reverse. It's like him saying "I'll be good...but you be good first"!
I've been there....the last thing I wanted was for him to go out! To want to be "AWAY" from me.
My counseling session was so heated up the counselor had to tell us both to, "Shut up!"
~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~
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