Should I move out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Should I move out?
293
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 4:54pm

I haven't posted here in awhile but really need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been having problems and on New Year's Eve it got worse. Basically, he was flirting with a much younger girl (10 years younger) at a house party. He brought her into the bathroom. I found out just a couple of minutes afterwards. I stormed in (the door was unlocked) and told the girl to get the f*** out. She didn't move. Then, I told him to tell her to get the f*** out. He didn't. Then, I finally said, "If you don't tell her to get the f*** out than we are done". There was no movement. I left and tried to call for a cab on New Year's which was impossible. Long story short, I had to wait until his friends decided to leave 2 hours later. I went home and packed my bag for a couple of days and stayed at a motel. I called and left a message to say where I was. He accussed my of being with another guy. He ended up leaving that night to a party with his friends. He didn't show up until 11:00 AM the next day and went to sleep. I asked him if he cheated on me and he said, "no". But, I still can't believe that he left or that he didn't tell that girl to leave the bathroom.

He realized how serious I was in leaving when I found out that I have been approved for a home loan and started house shopping. So, he decided to go to a counselor with me. We have went once and we have another appointment in a week. He thinks its a trust issue with me and I think it is a lack of commitment on his part. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. We talked about getting married this summer but that is obviously pushed back until we are getting along. I have realized that I don't like him or trust him when he drinks. I even told him that and his response was, "Well, who does?". This isn't the first time that we have had a fight while drinking at a party or bar.

I feel like we are at different stages in our lives. I am 4 1/2 years older than he is. I have never really felt comfortable living together because it is against my belief's. I feel like a hipocrit really because I am not living the life I want to live. I am really through with the parties and bar sceen. I wanted to get married and have children. I posted about this several months ago.

My boyfriend seems to want to work it out and I feel that he wants the counselor to say that I am wrong in not trusting him. He has done and said things that have caused mistrust. It has made me question things which I can understand how it makes him craze but he causes the doubt in the first place. He has told me that we may as well break up if I decided to move out because he doesn't want to move backwards in the relationship. I doesn't even want to go to a counselor if I do move out. I just really want to move out because I am making a lot more income this year and coud use the tax break for next year. He said that I am selfish when I have lived with him for 3 1/2 years. I told him it was only fair that I move out and own my own place and he could rent from me if he wants to. Now, I don't even know if I want him to live with me.

Please help me. Anything you say, I greatly appreciate.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 11:35pm

Isadimple, of course you are not intruding. Posting responses is for everyone. I'm heading over to post a message to you at your post now.

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 12:48am

I'm sure I've posted these for you before, but I'm betting you didn't look at them. Please do it now, even if you looked at them before. It's important and I think you'll see a lot there.




~*~Extensive Abuse Checklist~*~


~*~*~How to tell if he is Changing*~*~*




Bear in mind that you're not going to find that every statement is true, this covers a lot of people and a lot of different types of abuse. Let me know what you think of the lists and your results, okay?

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:07am

This has been an extremely difficult weekend to get through.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:40am

<<< My bf has made me sandwiches and even went to the store to pick up some Sprite. I am confused once again:( >>>

and

<<< Well, a lot of good it did because he didn't come home at all that night. He didn't come home until 10:30 AM the next day. I didn't even get a phone call >>>

Hmmmm..........so what are you so confused about? He made you a sandwich AND he didn't come home at all? This is a classic abusers MO! They see that your getting emotionally stronger (you were packing) so they do little nice things like make you a sandwich and they cry how they'll miss you if you left (I've been there, done that) - but they still will be emotionally & physically abusive (ie: going out and not coming home). Can't you see that he's using you like a door mat? If my husband didn't come home his ass would be out the door. No excuses!

Just remember one thing Myrinalyn - HE DIDN'T COME HOME ON SATURDAY NIGHT! So not only did he do the exact opposite of what you asked by going out - he shoved down your thorat farther by not coming home. I've been there - lying awake, crying, wondering what & who their with??? It sucks! And I'll never do that again. A grown man in a committed relationship doesn't stay out all night and not come home! I've had two boyfriends in the past who did that to me and you know what? They were my two abusive relationships!
He's a lying cheating jerk. Quit playing the victim and move out this week. PLEASE!

hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:56am

WOW!

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:03pm

Him crying is about him and his needs that will not be met if you leave. It has nothing to do with what you need or what you want now and in the future. Let me tell you, the there is something worse than being in your mid-30's and having a bf like you have, is being in your early 40's and married to the jerk, taking care of his children when they are sick in the middle of the night and you are having a panic attack because he hasn't been home in 2 days and what you are most afraid of is when he does come home and the children have to try to protect you from him again. That is where you are headed if you unpack. Breaking up is hard, it hurts. You will feel sad, he will feel sad. It's okay. You are making the right decision and you know it. As soon as you give in and say you are staying, you'll be right back to him breaking plates and refusing to go to counseling. It doesn't matter how much you want to make it work, this man is not husband or father material and he has proven that to you over and over.

The reason you feel confused is because his actions are designed to confuse you. He pleads for you to unpack and then stays out all night, then he acts cold and then he cries, makes you a sandwich and runs to the store for you. He wants to keep you guessing and to doubt yourself, it's how he keeps control over you and gets you to live the life he wants (letting him do whatever he wants without consequences, and always having you there when he wants/needs you), instead of the one you want (not living together until marriage, building a stable life together, raising children in a healthy, safe environment).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:54pm

Have you finished reading the Lundy Bancroft book? If so, you would recognize that OF COURSE he's being nice...you're actually standing up for yourself and he'll have to go find someone else to kick around! He has no reason to want the r'ship to end since he's getting what he wants out of it, so he will turn on the charm in an effort to keep you from leaving (because it will be an inconvenience to him to have to replace you).

When are you next meeting with your abuse counselor?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 2:40pm
Girl, it's time for some tough love. Cramps don't count for a reason to delay this another day or two days or two weeks. Not buying it. Know why? Because I left THREE weeks after having my only child. Why did I have only one child when I dearly wanted more? Hmmm....could be because he beat me so bad within ONE WEEK of giving birth, that the scar tissue was so horrendous that it caused me to not be able to ovulate properly and also cost me a full hysterectomy in my TWENTIES. SO...let's do the math: THREE weeks after giving birth and TWO weeks after one of the worst beatings I'd encountered, I somehow found it in me to get the hell out. Yes, there were those bizarre cycles of being so considerate and thoughtful, only to be followed by pure hatred from him. I don't know why people can be that way. I don't WANT to know. I don't NEED to know. I know two things: a.) I'll NEVER allow it again and b.) My son will never resort to that kind of life. That's it. I don't need to know if the sun rises in the east tomorrow, I don't need to know if we elect a Republican or Democrat into the next presidency, I don't need to know how much the phone bill will be next month. I know all I need to know. You, dear, have not gotten to that point of clarity. I'll say this again: you are very quickly becoming your own worst enemy. It makes no difference what we say on this board, how many checklists you're encouraged to look at, how many stories from women who have been there you hear, you won't do anything until you're ready. Again, I encourage you to, at the VERY least, enlighten your family as to what's REALLY going on. Worse case scenario, you won't be around to give your version when he kills you and feeds the cops some line of b.s. about how it was all an accident. At the very least, you won't be able to talk to your family or the police because you've encountered something so horrendous that you are being fed through tubes and your jaw's wired shut. I know this sounds brutal, but Myrinalyn, THESE THINGS HAPPEN EVERY SINGLE DAY IN EVERY STATE IN THIS COUNTRY. I can't understand what makes you think this man wouldn't do something like this? He's already laid the groundwork. He's already shown erratic behavior. He's already got you under his thumb. What's next? You KNOW what's next. He has to "keep you in line" now. If it didn't affect me so badly after all these years, I'd post photos of what was left of me when I got out of my marriage. Even the photo of when I was 9 months pregnant would be an eye opener. Not because I was documenting a beating, per se, but because I was SO thin. I was thin because the son of a bitch forbid me from gaining too much weight. You cannot begin to understand that kind of shame until you've been there. PLEASE....don't be one of those who've "been there".
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 3:19pm
He got mad at me today because he is trying to hard and yet I am being so cold to him.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 3:52pm

Honey! He can do all things like take anger mgmt classes and abuse therapy while you two ARE NOT LIVING TOGETHER! Haven't you read anything I wrote about two halves can't make a whole? You keep looking for some shred of hope to keep this together. The only thing in this entire equation is YOU! There is no you and your boyfriend. You both do not equate a couple anymore. Some of the best advise I ever got was that no body is responsible for your happiness. Well start taking charge of your happiness. And stop looking at every little kind gesture, comment, email, innuendo....as a sign that he's changing.

From the very beginning you've stated that you are in part to blame for this. Well you've started to do things to improve yourself ie: exercise, counseling etc. but all those things take time. And then from your BF's comments - you've stated that there isn't anything about you that he likes (the clothes you wear, your hairstyle etc), So on both your parts - why don't you take a breather and look to take of yourselves first? The only way you can do that is not live together. Doesn't mean that you two won't get back together. Wouldn't it be so nice if you two could get back together as healthy people? Wouldn't you be willing to take that risk for happiness?

hello

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