Should I stay convinced?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Should I stay convinced?
4
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 2:06pm

I had posted 2 messages recently about my feelings for my hubby and my ex-BF. I am in such a messy state right now, I think I am being practically taken advantage of.

This is what happened: I had been to visit my parents back in India and discussed with them my issues with my hubby. Now, they are with me in my decision making process. My father has told me he will respect either of my decisions-living with my husband or leaving him now. They now know what I have been through and were shocked that I could live with my husband for 6 years with these constant fights and arguments.
When I came back to US last week, I was almost certain that I will move out separately here with my new job and find a right time to discuss this with him. Ever since I came back, I was sad and tired with constant thinking of the state I am in today. So when he came to the airport to receive me, i was in no state to even smile at him even though he seemed to be happy seeing me back. Even though we were sleeping next to each other, we did not make any moves to get close enough. He finally had got home condoms as he had told me when I was leaving to india. when I saw this, I told him I was not in any state to have sex. I am broken and have no interest also.

I finally spoke to him on friday evening and told him we have to split up- that there is no point in us moving with this relationship with our constant arguments, lack of sexual life, and with difference of opinions. He was shocked. He simply did not think I would be asking for a Divorce. So, from then on (fri evening) he has been telling me often how much he loves me, that he is sorry for all his mistakes, he will do anything for me now, that how he does not want to loose me at all. He apologized for arguing with me for his selfish reasons and told me we can make it together if we put in effort. He was very shocked that his marriage is leading to a D word. So what he wants me do do now is to give him another chance. He first said we will try for 2 more months and see how it will be. After I told him it is ridiculous, we cannot set a date like that, he came to a stand and told me we will try for few more weeks. If I think I can still not live with him, then I can leave him. He even spoke with my father and told him in front me that he will try to convince me into this and that he will not allow me to look for a new apartment right now for me to move out.

I now feel so messed up and confused. If someone tries to tell you he was sorry for what he has done to me in 6yrs in 48 hours, how would you take it? I mean, would u not feel dumb and stupid standing there when he is telling all this? If I had made up my mind that I need to live alone, and then if ur partner says/forces almost to stay with him for few weeks since he was not ready for the split up, what would u do? Am I not being convinced too much here? It is so different before and after I told him that I need a divorce. Should I give him this chance again? How to deal with this situation now? Also I can ask for a change in locaion with my current job. I am 99% sure they will let me work out my local area. I am thinking of taking this advantage and living alone in a new city with my new job. Please advice. Please read my other threads so that u will know what I am talking abt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 2:53pm

>>He even spoke with my father and told him in front me that he will try to convince me into this and that he will not allow me to look for a new apartment right now for me to move out.<<

He won't ALLOW you to look for a new apartment right now? Were those HIS words?

And if they were, how has he changed? He's still being controlling.

I think living apart for awhile might do some good. You can work on things and NOT live in the same house. You don't have to stay in order to work on things. You don't have to decide before you move out or not whether or not you want things to definitely be over.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 4:35pm

Welcome back,








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 1:37am

Gulabi1, he's been the same man for six years, he's shown you clearly and plainly who he is, how he is, what his personality is and how he is going to be. He isn't any more apt to change than you are apt to like how he's treated you and feel it is right. If he didn't like how he'd been he would have changed how he was on his own, long ago. He is talking about being sorry and changing now because he wants you to stay, he'd be able to be nice for a short amount of time, but I assure you, as soon as you agreed to stay, he'd change back to the same way he's been for this six years because that is who he is.


If you stay your husband will go back to being himself soon enough and you'll be right back where you started, right back to the life you hated. Can you really think after six years of treating you this way you can believe that it will be different? That's not reasonable or rational.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 12:42pm

You are so apt in your answers cl. yes, I see that he is now so bloody trying to come close to me- hugging in public, holding hands in a restuarant on sunday dinner!! HE HAS NEVER NEVER DONE THAT! And now I feel so odd to hug him in public, what an irony!
He cried and cried a lot when he was trying to tell me he loves me, he wants me NOT to go leaving him, that he has been an insensitive person all along. I donno whether he really means it now- and even though he does I am not certain I can see myself having kids with him and moving on etc. If someone all of a sudden turns upside down and says he will do anything for you- is that person also not having any selfish motives at the bottom of his/her heart? Yes, you are right, what after 6 months he shows his true color?

Unfortunately I am on bench time now, meaning I have to wait for my client to be assigned so that I will know which part of city I will have to go to work. So I am stuck here at home. I know I have melted listening to his words and cries. The problem is I do like and respect him, he has done a lot for me- I am so confused which side the weight is large- his negatives or positives? That is one. Secondly, sex part. I find it hard to see any chemistry between us so far. will the chemistry come again?

thanks for the response, yes I will think abt it. God I have to call my parents now!