should I stay or GO?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
should I stay or GO?
8
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 9:07pm

ive been with him* for 2 almost 3 years and we just recently broke up because his ways were just too demanding and i couldnt take it anymore. weve been broken up for 6 days now.
i lost my virginty with him about 3 months ago and got pregnant at the same time.,
i got an abortion and after that our relationship has been good, bad good then bad... again. ive been thru so much as you can see and now we keep writing back and forth back and forth on our email account. the stuff he saying is on the account is that he really cares about me and that he thought i was the one and he gave me his mind body and soul but i never showed him that i care..
all that is bull sh** because every second i had when we were together i told him i loved him and he still knows it. lately ive been trying to meet new guy friends and be out because my ex-bf is my first love.. my everything. but i cant stop thinking about him ever since i told him it was over between us. i said it all out of frustration and anger.
so its hard to let go.

what should i do.. stay or go??
i really love him and i know he really loves me but our love is sweetmisery= cant live with him or without him.
its so hard to meet eye to eye with him.. its amazing our love got this far.. (2 1/2 years)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 9:15pm

You've been broken up for 6 days. You haven't had time yet to see if you can let go. Give it time. And stop talking to him in the meantime.

I can tell you right now, that unless the reasons you broke up change (and are changed for a very long time before you went back), you would go back and end up breaking up again. Or being miserable.

try finding some girlfriends to hang out with instead of trying to find another guy right away.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 12:02am

This probably seems like a silly question, but it matters a lot to this. How old are you two?

Edited to say, how cold am I not to have given you my condolences (and my shoulder) on your abortion? I have to tell you, at your age (and any age for that matter) I would have done the same thing. It would have been hard, as I'm sure it was for you, but I would have done it. I hope you're doing okay with it, I know it's not easy. You have my support and my understanding.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:




Edited 11/8/2005 12:39 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 2:11pm
im 18.. will be 19 nov.16th
and he is 20 will be 21 in april
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:57pm

Naleiya, what are the reasons that you broke up? You said you broke up out of anger and frustration, I assume over issues that continued to be problems again and again? What are the issues that you fought about and broke up over?


Things to think about:
  • What has changed that would make your relationship different if you got back together? I'm talking about real changes, not promises to do this or that differently. Promises and intentions are easy, but what's really different? What will be done differently?
  • The fact that he says things on your email that are exaggerations and simply not true doesn't say mature, realistic things about your boyfriend. Not surprising since he's 20, and that's not a put down, it's a fact. He's exactly where he should be emotionally and maturity wise at 20, but he's not mature yet and he's got a lot of years ahead before he will be; same with you.


    You said, "lately ive been trying to meet new guy friends and be out because my ex-bf is my first love.. my everything." Not sure what you mean. You're having trouble being out with others or your ex is getting in the way? Honestly, I think the fact that you're willing to make the effort to meet other guys is a pretty telling sign that it's time to move on. It's not surprising that you'd have trouble "getting into" meeting guys at this stage, you've hardly had time to process the end of your relationship, let alone be ready to move forward. Continuing to receive emails from your ex is not helpful to you getting beyond this stage, in fact, it keeps you stuck. I am NOT saying your relationship was a harmful one, in fact, nothing you've said indicates that it was, but I want you read
    LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS
    it makes a lot of sense and I think you'll be able to understand why continuing to have contact with him isn't good. This article applies to every relationship that breaks up, not just harmful ones.


    Another thing to consider is your age and your maturity. I know you hate to hear that, but here's the deal. You're growing and maturing, you've been doing it since you were an infant and you'll continue to do it until you reach your mid-20's to early 30's. As you grow you'll also be gaining life experience. Your ex is doing the same. Because of the growth and changes that occur naturally with maturity someone who was perfect for you at one time may not be so perfect for you anymore. And they become not right for you without having done anything or really seeming to have changed at all. It seems like you just begin to feel less satisfied, less interested, less into the relationship than you were before. It's not that either of you has done anything wrong or different, it's those subtle changes that occur in emotional growth and maturity. The fact is, the person you are now and the person you'll be at 30 will be so very different that you'll be amazed. Because you chose your boyfriend when you were 16 or 17,it's almost a certainty that the changes that come with natural growth would make him not the right guy for you as time goes on. I'll bet you had a boyfriend at 14 or 15 and thought he was perfect for you, but as time went on you was less and less interested, he was less and less right for you. That's because of the maturing you did during that time. Who you were when you started out with him and who you were at the end were different people, maybe it doesn't seem like it (changes happen slowly so it doesn't seem to you that anything's different, but I know you'll agree that you aren't who you were at 15). Does that make sense to you?


    Everything I've said about maturity and changing is just incidental, it's information that might be helpful to you. Regardless, if this isn't a relationship you're sure you want, at 18 I can promise you even if you get back together it won't be for long. If nothing's changed and the problems that broke you up haven't been resolved (no promises, actual actions) I can promise you the problems that were there before will still be there, your relationship won't have changed a bit. If he's making rash statements that are totally untrue (you never showed you cared) he's showing his immaturity and very poor relationship skills, blaming is not a good thing.


    No matter what else, you need to give it more than six days, six days is still deep in the hurting, obsessed stage. You'll need to get through that and thinking clearly, with your rational mind rather than your emotions before you can make a decision that's based on what's really best for you. And you'll need to stop having contact with him to get there. Quit going to your shared email and tell him you don't want contact with him.







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:




    Edited 11/9/2005 4:36 am ET by cl-2nd_life








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Wed, 11-09-2005 - 2:37am

    As an afterthought (sorry I didn't think of it sooner) here are some other sites that you might find helpful:


    Recommended Websites For Young Adults face="Papyrus" color="darkslategray" size="">--> >-->







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-01-2003
    Wed, 11-09-2005 - 12:55pm

    i appreciate everything you wrote me and the sites.thank you.
    we broke up b/c i was just tired of his stuff lately. he wasnt acting like my boyfriend/lover. he would make rude comments or when i tryed to see him to go out somehwere he would just want me to have sex. although, its nothing i blame him for and hes letting me kno he only wanted to have sex with me is okay because i havent saw him in a month since the last time. we would just talk everyday on the phone. so i can understand he wanted to see me so we can do the *grown up*. another bad thing that caused our relationship was i never really saw him. maybe once a month.

    Naleiya

    I Wrote him on our shared email acct. and told him this is the last/ and not to ever contact me again.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Wed, 11-09-2005 - 2:56pm

    Seeing him once a month definitely doesn't let the relationship grow, and hardly qualifies him as a boyfriend, more like a long distance friend. Relationships are about being together, not emailing, you know?


    It sounds like you're doing the right thing. I'm glad the information and links helped!







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    my signature exchange partner:








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 11-17-2005
    Thu, 11-17-2005 - 4:35pm
    Your first love and you were together two and a half years. You're still very much in love with him. It will be hard to let go if you have to. Give yourself time.