Should we be together - pretty urgent
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| Wed, 09-20-2006 - 2:41pm |
I have been with this guy for 2.5 years now. We moved in after 6 months and it was a bit too rushed - I was moving to a new city and we had to either end it or move in. After that things got much worse. He was in a new city all alone and got depressed. However, he was on antidepressants before he met me, so I don't really believe that this is new. We had our good times and bad times but in the end it became say 80% bad and 20% good on a good day. He has everything one would want in a husband but i don't know if he is for me. I am 25 and he is 34. He would get very clingy while we were living together. He would get upset easily. We started overanalyzing everything to death. I had doubts for 2 years now. I have oweranalyzed us to death. I feel dead inside now, but still can't decide. He always wanted to get married to me and keeps saying I'm the one for sure. But I just can't do it! Something is stopping me. Ok so now he had to move for his job to a city 2 hours away. I had a fit and said I'm not going because we're all screwed up. Now I have a good opportunity for a job here, but he wants me to move. If I take it I will be "betraying him". (He doesn't know yet and I have to decide on the job this week...) But right now everything is nice with him again, since we are not living together. However, I feel under pressure to move. If I move now, I will resent him, if I don't I will get to resent him because I feel the pressure, and I am afraid to break up because what if we are ment to be together? I remember my thoughts of wanting out so many times, but never having the guts. At the same time I keep thinking he is this great guy. I am so confused like never in my life. I actually can't even function anymore and have become a nervous wrek myself because I am afraid to make ANY decision about us. Any normal guy would have said I was a nut by now and walked off, but he is still clinging and wants "to help me, wants to be there for me, wants to even go to councelling" I am just feeling yey or nay NOW!
I have to decide, or it will kill me. What is wrong with me, and should we keep this going?

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What makes you want to stay with him?
What makes you want to end it?
Stay: he is amazing down there, he is a handy man, he is the smartest person I know, he is an amazing cook, he has career goals and he is committed to me, looks like for life, when we started, I could tell him ANYTHING, even girl things...
Go: he is chronically depressed, i think, although he denies it and says it is just temporary because he was stuck in a small apt for 2 years but like I said, he was on antidepressants before; he is angry at the world and thinks people are out to get him often; he would get upset if I went out and did not call (I messaged, and tried to check up on him as much as possible) and he would throw fits when I got back; he gets really weird in crowds (croud phobia or something) and think i am on their side and hate him (phobia sighns???); he likes small towns while I feel most comfortable in cities; i think he is too clingy sometimes, like I want to go for a coffee with a girlfriend and he wants to come along, and now he overanalyzes everything I tell him, so I am afraid of him, go into withdrawal and then he keeps pushing and I withdrawing - not comfortable ...
Things like that.
On the surface, all of the reasons you have for staying are superficial things.
if everything stays exactly the same I would walk away. But 1. I am afraid. 2. There is no one else, 3. He keeps saying we can fix it.
Yes that's exactly how we BOTH feel - like walking on eggshells. And he keeps saying he is still happy! How can you be happy like that!?
I can just let it drag on too... but that would be bad right? I don't have the guts to do anything... and I am too afraid I will never meet anyone better.
Yes we had issues right from the start. He was very insecure because I didn't know what I felt all along. Pretty stupid of me right?
If it's 80% bad and only 20% good on a good day, then it doesn't sound like there's anything worth saving. How is he a great guy exactly? Why are you confused? He's depressed all the time and making you unable to function due to the stress you're under. That's not a good relationship, and there's no reason to stay with much less marry someone under those conditions, and especially when you say you've had doubts for the vast majority of the time you've been with him.
The longer you stay, the harder it'll be to end it. Plus the longer you stay, the more and more unhealthy psychologically you'll get. That's turning your life into a self-fulfilling prophecy that you can't find anyone better because you refuse to free yourself, and will end up a basket case from putting up with so much.
>>he is amazing down there, he is a handy man, he is the smartest person I know, he is an amazing cook, he has career goals and he is committed to me, looks like for life, when we started, I could tell him ANYTHING, even girl things...<<
HC, I don't see that any of these reasons outweigh the negatives. Quite frankly, you could find these traits in many men. They're not rare qualities at all. There are some wonderful men with these traits who don't do all the negative stuff your guy does.
My theory on dating is that you find Mr Perfect. Not Mr Nearly Perfect and not Mr 20% Perfect. It's got to be 99% perfect. Because once you marry, you will find stuff you don't like...so stack those odds in your favour to start with.
Just one thing for you to ponder....why did you list a physical attribute as the first great thing to think of? Shouldn't the qualities of his mind rate higher? Perhaps you're blinded by lust? It can happen you know.
If this relationship is right (and clearly it's not) tell him you're taking the job but will continue to see him. Give yourself time, there's no reason you have to move further right now. If you taking this job is a dealbreaker for him, then you know that he doesn't respect your career, your needs, you as a person. It would mean he doesn't see you as an equal, he sees that you should "give it all up" for him. This, added to the rest of the "go" stuff is something you're willing to accept?
I've got to tell you, thinking he may be "all there is" says extremely dangerous things about your self esteem and self worth. I'll tell you too that when you're desperate for a man you're going to get nothing but substandard guys. It's only when you're sure of yourself and know that you don't need any guy at all that you'll find the kind of guy who's worth having. You're clinging to "not worth it" because you think he's better than nothing. I'm here to tell you, no guy is very much preferable to the guy you're currently with.
I would really urge you to see a therapist to take a look at why you think it's him or nothing and why you're willing to settle for somebody that you don't like at all. Quite frankly, the assets you describe, you could hire done, they're not assets worth hanging onto. I would also suggest you read the book, "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis . Read it, do the exercises and be objective or don't waste your time on it. Know that the book does not take the place of a therapist, and you really need to take a look at your self esteem and self worth issues. You may not know it, but you're worth so much more than you're settling for. What you're considering is a darned high price to pay for the security of having "somebody, anybody".
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Ok. But now that he is moved out, it seems like everything is great. He says that he was only behaving like that because he was cramped in a tiny apartment with no friends or no one he knew. Now that he is back to active life he says he will not be the same. But I have doubts...
One last question and thank you ladies for all you comments. How do you know if you love someone? I know all the corny "you just know", "he gives you butterflies" "you can't imagine yourself without him" etc. What if I don't have butterflies, and I can imagine a day without him, and yet something stops me from believing I don't love him...
How do you know it won't be the biggest mistake of your life if you end it?
You're going to absolutely hate this, but it's the truth. If you've lived with the guy for two years and aren't sure you love him, you don't. Butterflies, etc, are fairy tale stuff, but I can tell you that when you love someone you know it. If you have to ask, if you wonder, if you question it, you don't. And if, after two years you're still wondering, not only do you not love him, but you're not going to either. In the situation you describe I'd say it's a matter of your gut telling you this is wrong while your fear/insecurity hangs on for dear life afraid of what won't be out there if you let go of Mr. Inadequate. You're settling for much less than you should. You're guaranteeing yourself a life of unhappiness and inadequacy. You're short changing yourself. You can stick with him, but you'll never know what great guys, great opportunities, what great life is passing you by as a result. While sticking with him may mean you won't be alone (horrors!) it also guarantees you won't have better; because as long as you're with him better is passing you by. You may have already seen a million guys who are really right for you, but you didn't know it because you were with this guy.
The biggest mistake in your life would be settling for someone with whom you have a good relationship with 20% of the time. Quite honestly, I wouldn't be willing to settle for a relationship that's only good 80% of the time, and I've been alone -- with kids.
What stops you from believing you don't love him is your lack of experience. You're very young and have limited experience in the adult world, certainly in adult relationships. If this is an example of what is deemed a good relationship, something worth continuing and staying in for the rest of your life, it illustrates your lack of good, healthy, happy relationships because honey, this is not one. I've got to ask you, when you imagine a good, happy partnership for the rest of your life, is this what you imagine? Or do you imagine something different? Is this your idea of the ideal or perfect relationship? Can you imagine being happy and satisfied with this for the rest of your life? I'm betting when you shop for clothes you wouldn't buy something that was 20% acceptable to you, why would you be willing to accept less in a relationship than your clothes?
You've demonstrated that you're insecure and afraid to be alone. You have to know that's not going to help you make good decisions, right? Read the book, consider seeking some therapy to address your insecurity.
On your job front: no guy is worth passing up a great job for, and no great guy would want you to.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Ok thank you for the head washing :). you know I saw many relationships like this, and thought, wow, I'd be so out of there if it was me... well hello, what am I doing now? lol
Yes I am insecure, yes, EVERYTHING in that last reply absolutely applies...
The thing that is stopping me is guilt, because he keeps saying I am the one for him for sure, and he never loved anyone so much ever. But life is not that simple right?
One final but is that we have different religious backgrounds, and he will not be able to convert to mine, so it will have to be me. But I can't bring myself up to it, it feels like I am abandoning god all together, even though the two are so close.
Anyhow. No need to reply to this one. I will try my best and deal with it in a shorter rather than longer period of time. One last comment: I read somewhere that 2006 has been deamed the year of the break up. Sounds funny, but at least 4 people I know that were in very long term relatinships have broken up this year...
Thanks again for the wake up call.
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