Should we be together - pretty urgent
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| Wed, 09-20-2006 - 2:41pm |
I have been with this guy for 2.5 years now. We moved in after 6 months and it was a bit too rushed - I was moving to a new city and we had to either end it or move in. After that things got much worse. He was in a new city all alone and got depressed. However, he was on antidepressants before he met me, so I don't really believe that this is new. We had our good times and bad times but in the end it became say 80% bad and 20% good on a good day. He has everything one would want in a husband but i don't know if he is for me. I am 25 and he is 34. He would get very clingy while we were living together. He would get upset easily. We started overanalyzing everything to death. I had doubts for 2 years now. I have oweranalyzed us to death. I feel dead inside now, but still can't decide. He always wanted to get married to me and keeps saying I'm the one for sure. But I just can't do it! Something is stopping me. Ok so now he had to move for his job to a city 2 hours away. I had a fit and said I'm not going because we're all screwed up. Now I have a good opportunity for a job here, but he wants me to move. If I take it I will be "betraying him". (He doesn't know yet and I have to decide on the job this week...) But right now everything is nice with him again, since we are not living together. However, I feel under pressure to move. If I move now, I will resent him, if I don't I will get to resent him because I feel the pressure, and I am afraid to break up because what if we are ment to be together? I remember my thoughts of wanting out so many times, but never having the guts. At the same time I keep thinking he is this great guy. I am so confused like never in my life. I actually can't even function anymore and have become a nervous wrek myself because I am afraid to make ANY decision about us. Any normal guy would have said I was a nut by now and walked off, but he is still clinging and wants "to help me, wants to be there for me, wants to even go to councelling" I am just feeling yey or nay NOW!
I have to decide, or it will kill me. What is wrong with me, and should we keep this going?

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Religion is one of those things that on the outside doesn't seem like it would be a big deal in a relationship but really is an relationship/marriage breaker. In order to have a good solid relationship it's absolutely critical that your morals, values and beliefs have to be complimentary; if there are differences you have no solid base to build on. As you've said, you feel that you're abandoning God, you feel you're having to choose between him and God and believe me, even if the rest of your relationship were great, eventually that conflict within you would take its toll and you'd end up resenting him for your having to make the choice.
I did hear you say there was no need to reply (guess I'm a bad listener, huh?) but I really just wanted to say that in him saying your "the one" for him, that doesn't make the relationship right. It's only right if you return that same thought for him. We generally get posts from women who are frantic because their boyfriend who is "the one" wants to break up. What we tell them is that while the relationship might feel right to the poster, it's not right unless both of them feel it's right. It's a tough place to be for sure, but staying in a relationship that you're not happy in for the rest of your life to avoid hurting someone's feelings? Ooooh. That's not a life, that's an existence, and a pretty miserable one at that.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi Ladies, me again...
well, no change, I'm a chicken. I am still hopeful of course that may be it will work. now however it seems that he is 100% of the time in a bad mood... so i am not so sure. However. A good friend of mine I met recently, asked me how things are, and I just briefly mentioned the problems. She went on to say that I could have a comittment problem. That is what I considered as well, that may be I am just too scared to commit and considering all the people I know, who marry the 1st or 2nd person they date... I am starting to feel very depressed myself. I don't know why I am posting again, to be honest. I am seeing a shrink, although I don't really think they are much help. But i am still afraid to let go, because I think that may be he's so great, and at the same time when we talk it is just depressing! I just saw a post of another lady, that there is no kissing, hugging etc. its the same for us and we're not even married. He is just shy, so if I am ever in a bad mood and pull away, he will not initiate until I do, and even sometimes rarely after that. Oh lord, why are some people so sure, and others so lost!!! I walked away a few times before and now I am afraid to do it again because then I will have a committment problem.
I think this is somewhat retorical, but you can respond if you feel like it. Thank you! I still feel like I will never be able to decide, no matter what though :( What is wrong with me?
Relationships should only be committed to when they're good and and offer you what you want and need. Staying - and considering a lifetime - in a relationship that doesn't offer you 100% of what you want and need is condemning yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness. Why anyone would choose that is beyond me.
You've had years to prove that he is who he is, he's moved, which was *supposed* to solve all the reasons for those problems, yet he's worse. So, now it's been proven that the excuses for why he was the way he was were indeed merely excuses. With the phony reasons out of the way it should be pretty clear that this is who he is, period. A lifetime like this seems good to you? Raising kids in this environment is your picture of the perfect life? Seriously, what you picture as the perfect relationship is exactly what you should have, less is not an option. Unless you're happy to live like this for the rest of your life (and I do mean happy, it's not a place you should stay. Close your eyes and picture 10 years of this...20....30...now picture all along seeing happy people together. This is enough for you? You don't want what they have? It's your life, you choose what makes you happy, no one else.
For what it's worth, just recognizing the relationship isn't right for you or starting to see that this isn't what you want doesn't mean you are mandated to get out immediately. Most often leaving is a process. It starts with unhappiness and realization that the relationship isn't right and it slowly grows to the point that you're ready to leave. I do see that you recognize that this relationship doesn't make you happy and that it isn't what you want. I know you know that a relationship that is 20% good isn't worth staying in, and I know you see enough people to know that accepting his behavior isn't necessary. I'm betting if a friend were in your situation you wouldn't want her to settle for it, and I'm betting you know the same for yourself.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
OK. He threw another fit last night that lasted all through to this morning. And that has just finally made up my mind (although I came to this before and was too scared to end it, but please oh please give me guts) that I am walking for good this time. I have a feeling I won't be able to do it face to face, so I may have to settle for the phone mean way of doing it, but I will do my best. I am just plain too sick and tired of being an emotional wreck for 2 years now. But lord, I am turning white just at the thought of having to end it. I am scared that he will try to hurt himself, that he will spill at me how god awfull of a person I am, because I know he will NOT handle it well at all. Then the "ruin my life" line, no respoect, I am all alone.. I can pretty much play it in my head already, and it is not going to be pretty no matter how civil I could be. That is why I was always so scared to do it. I will not see him till this weekend, so it will have to wait till then. May be I can get some strength somehow, by then...
Thanks ladies, I hope after I can start going to the gym again, keep going to my councelor, and hopefully get better. and oh god, I hope he won't stalk me...
you write: " I am scared that he will try to hurt himself, that he will spill at me how god awfull of a person I am, because I know he will NOT handle it well at all. Then the "ruin my life" line, no respoect, I am all alone.. I can pretty much play it in my head already, and it is not going to be pretty no matter how civil I could be. "
If he tries to hurt himself, then he'll have to deal with the pain of it.
If you don't want to face him with the news that you're breaking up, then don't. Send an email, or whatever you feel is best for you. There's no law that says you have to inflict pain and drama/trauma on yourself by giving him the opportunity to go off on you. I will suggest a few things, though.
As far as being alone goes, I think you're going to find that being alone, away from him is a very wonderful thing. It'll be peaceful, you'll be able to do what you want without having to deal with or answer to him. You'll find out that being alone is a Godsend, not a sentence. And you won't be alone forever. Ending with him will mark the start of healing from the inappropriate, dysfunctional relationship and will get you on the road to finding a guy who is right, healthy, happy and a great partner that with whom you have a relationship that you feel is good 99.9% of the time. The only reason that may not seem believable to you is because as of now all you know is what is dysfunctional, unacceptable and not even remotely right.
Let us know how it goes.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Sigh, ok now he is this sweetest thing again acting like nothing happened and being all lovey dovey... lol. God I hate this because I am getting pulled in yet again. I will get around it though, I swear to myself, ok may be before month end... hopefully sooner.
Thank you for your comments they are very good! I could never do it right before, and ended up much worse, like you said, just all stressed out for weeks after. However, his most common line is that I only care about myself, not him. So that would make me the b**ch who dumped him because I only gave a s**t about me, and confirm his story. (sorry for the bad language there... I starred it out :) )
I will let you know what happens. And yes, when I made up my mind before, I could think of all the things I would do by myself and it felt like a new life, so I know what you mean. It is just very hard, because all my friends are getting married or having kids. Hello, where is that single friend... anyone? lol you can tell i am in a better mood today, can't you?
Who cares what he says about you? So he says you're a b**ch that only cares about yourself, two answers come to mind really quickly for me:
The bottom line is the same as I said before, ending this is about you not him. Of course he's not going to be happy about it, that goes without saying. If you're waiting for a time that he'll be happy, you'll be wasting a lot more years than you've already wasted it's not going to come. If it's a matter of not wanting to be the "bad guy", you're going to sacrifice your life in order to not be that in his eyes. And in truth, part of the reason he throws those comments is likely because he knows you'll react that way, he's preying on your concerns. The only person who's going to take care of you is you -- you have to be your own advocate. He's clearly looking after his own interests, you've got to do the same. This is about your life, you need to make it count. The longer you stay where you aren't happy, the more your friends are going to be married and having kids, and the longer you're going to be on the outside looking in.
This isn't going to change until you change it.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
you write: "However, his most common line is that I only care about myself, not him. So that would make me the b**ch who dumped him because I only gave a s**t about me, and confirm his story."
He can think whatever he wants, but at the end of the day, that doesn't make it the truth.
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