Should we be together - pretty urgent

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Should we be together - pretty urgent
25
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 2:41pm

I have been with this guy for 2.5 years now. We moved in after 6 months and it was a bit too rushed - I was moving to a new city and we had to either end it or move in. After that things got much worse. He was in a new city all alone and got depressed. However, he was on antidepressants before he met me, so I don't really believe that this is new. We had our good times and bad times but in the end it became say 80% bad and 20% good on a good day. He has everything one would want in a husband but i don't know if he is for me. I am 25 and he is 34. He would get very clingy while we were living together. He would get upset easily. We started overanalyzing everything to death. I had doubts for 2 years now. I have oweranalyzed us to death. I feel dead inside now, but still can't decide. He always wanted to get married to me and keeps saying I'm the one for sure. But I just can't do it! Something is stopping me. Ok so now he had to move for his job to a city 2 hours away. I had a fit and said I'm not going because we're all screwed up. Now I have a good opportunity for a job here, but he wants me to move. If I take it I will be "betraying him". (He doesn't know yet and I have to decide on the job this week...) But right now everything is nice with him again, since we are not living together. However, I feel under pressure to move. If I move now, I will resent him, if I don't I will get to resent him because I feel the pressure, and I am afraid to break up because what if we are ment to be together? I remember my thoughts of wanting out so many times, but never having the guts. At the same time I keep thinking he is this great guy. I am so confused like never in my life. I actually can't even function anymore and have become a nervous wrek myself because I am afraid to make ANY decision about us. Any normal guy would have said I was a nut by now and walked off, but he is still clinging and wants "to help me, wants to be there for me, wants to even go to councelling" I am just feeling yey or nay NOW!

I have to decide, or it will kill me. What is wrong with me, and should we keep this going?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 11:03pm
I hope that you don't feel beat up on, if so, please accept my apologies, that wasn't my intention at all. The references to age, insecurity, etc., were based on your information and weren't intended to be hits, rather, truths.


Religion is one of those things that on the outside doesn't seem like it would be a big deal in a relationship but really is an relationship/marriage breaker. In order to have a good solid relationship it's absolutely critical that your morals, values and beliefs have to be complimentary; if there are differences you have no solid base to build on. As you've said, you feel that you're abandoning God, you feel you're having to choose between him and God and believe me, even if the rest of your relationship were great, eventually that conflict within you would take its toll and you'd end up resenting him for your having to make the choice.


I did hear you say there was no need to reply (guess I'm a bad listener, huh?) but I really just wanted to say that in him saying your "the one" for him, that doesn't make the relationship right. It's only right if you return that same thought for him. We generally get posts from women who are frantic because their boyfriend who is "the one" wants to break up. What we tell them is that while the relationship might feel right to the poster, it's not right unless both of them feel it's right. It's a tough place to be for sure, but staying in a relationship that you're not happy in for the rest of your life to avoid hurting someone's feelings? Ooooh. That's not a life, that's an existence, and a pretty miserable one at that.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 5:16am
Don't worry about it the first time I posted on here the first reply I got was froma lady jumped to conclusions which by the way where not true about my situation (actually exactly the opposite) and critized me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 11:19pm

Hi Ladies, me again...

well, no change, I'm a chicken. I am still hopeful of course that may be it will work. now however it seems that he is 100% of the time in a bad mood... so i am not so sure. However. A good friend of mine I met recently, asked me how things are, and I just briefly mentioned the problems. She went on to say that I could have a comittment problem. That is what I considered as well, that may be I am just too scared to commit and considering all the people I know, who marry the 1st or 2nd person they date... I am starting to feel very depressed myself. I don't know why I am posting again, to be honest. I am seeing a shrink, although I don't really think they are much help. But i am still afraid to let go, because I think that may be he's so great, and at the same time when we talk it is just depressing! I just saw a post of another lady, that there is no kissing, hugging etc. its the same for us and we're not even married. He is just shy, so if I am ever in a bad mood and pull away, he will not initiate until I do, and even sometimes rarely after that. Oh lord, why are some people so sure, and others so lost!!! I walked away a few times before and now I am afraid to do it again because then I will have a committment problem.

I think this is somewhat retorical, but you can respond if you feel like it. Thank you! I still feel like I will never be able to decide, no matter what though :( What is wrong with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 2:19am
Your friend is saying you have a problem committing and that's why you're not jumping in head first? I'd say the problem is the opposite of what you're friend's saying. You're staying in a relationship that offers you little to nothing and the problem you're having is not believing enough in yourself to move on. Does your friend know the extent of your relationship problems?


Relationships should only be committed to when they're good and and offer you what you want and need. Staying - and considering a lifetime - in a relationship that doesn't offer you 100% of what you want and need is condemning yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness. Why anyone would choose that is beyond me.


You've had years to prove that he is who he is, he's moved, which was *supposed* to solve all the reasons for those problems, yet he's worse. So, now it's been proven that the excuses for why he was the way he was were indeed merely excuses. With the phony reasons out of the way it should be pretty clear that this is who he is, period. A lifetime like this seems good to you? Raising kids in this environment is your picture of the perfect life? Seriously, what you picture as the perfect relationship is exactly what you should have, less is not an option. Unless you're happy to live like this for the rest of your life (and I do mean happy, it's not a place you should stay. Close your eyes and picture 10 years of this...20....30...now picture all along seeing happy people together. This is enough for you? You don't want what they have? It's your life, you choose what makes you happy, no one else.


For what it's worth, just recognizing the relationship isn't right for you or starting to see that this isn't what you want doesn't mean you are mandated to get out immediately. Most often leaving is a process. It starts with unhappiness and realization that the relationship isn't right and it slowly grows to the point that you're ready to leave. I do see that you recognize that this relationship doesn't make you happy and that it isn't what you want. I know you know that a relationship that is 20% good isn't worth staying in, and I know you see enough people to know that accepting his behavior isn't necessary. I'm betting if a friend were in your situation you wouldn't want her to settle for it, and I'm betting you know the same for yourself.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 1:16pm

OK. He threw another fit last night that lasted all through to this morning. And that has just finally made up my mind (although I came to this before and was too scared to end it, but please oh please give me guts) that I am walking for good this time. I have a feeling I won't be able to do it face to face, so I may have to settle for the phone mean way of doing it, but I will do my best. I am just plain too sick and tired of being an emotional wreck for 2 years now. But lord, I am turning white just at the thought of having to end it. I am scared that he will try to hurt himself, that he will spill at me how god awfull of a person I am, because I know he will NOT handle it well at all. Then the "ruin my life" line, no respoect, I am all alone.. I can pretty much play it in my head already, and it is not going to be pretty no matter how civil I could be. That is why I was always so scared to do it. I will not see him till this weekend, so it will have to wait till then. May be I can get some strength somehow, by then...

Thanks ladies, I hope after I can start going to the gym again, keep going to my councelor, and hopefully get better. and oh god, I hope he won't stalk me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 6:14pm

you write: " I am scared that he will try to hurt himself, that he will spill at me how god awfull of a person I am, because I know he will NOT handle it well at all. Then the "ruin my life" line, no respoect, I am all alone.. I can pretty much play it in my head already, and it is not going to be pretty no matter how civil I could be. "


If he tries to hurt himself, then he'll have to deal with the pain of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 11:10pm
Quenek is absolutely right in what she said about suicide or attempts to hurt himself. I've had some suicide training. You cannot make someone kill themselves and you cannot stop them. This is their decision, their act, theirs and theirs alone. If he threatens suicide or hurting himself, call 911 and report it. That's all you can to do keep him safe. Saying nothing and silently worrying isn't smart and doesn't help anyone. Staying with him, promising that you'll stay so he won't do it isn't smart and doesn't help anyone. Taking his threat seriously does everything you can to make sure he's safe and make sure his problems are known - and therefore can be addressed; and no, you are not the problem. Even if he says he's going to commit suicide because of you, you are not the reason, there are many other things adding into it and it's something he's already been considering if he attempts it due to a break up.


If you don't want to face him with the news that you're breaking up, then don't. Send an email, or whatever you feel is best for you. There's no law that says you have to inflict pain and drama/trauma on yourself by giving him the opportunity to go off on you. I will suggest a few things, though.

  • Make a list of all the things that are wrong with this relationship, everything you don't like. Write the list out in detail, item by item and include things he's said and done that have hurt you. When you wonder if you're doing the right thing, read the list. It'll remind you very clearly, in your own words exactly how wrong the relationship is and exactly how right getting out of it is.
  • If you break up with him by calling him or talking to him face to face don't give excuses about what's wrong with the relationship, that will only give him reason to argue about what's right about it, how things can/will be different or otherwise tell you how you're wrong. Keep it short and sweet, explain to him that you aren't happy, this relationship isn't right for you, and you don't want to continue. He can't argue about what you want and what you feel, those things can't be wrong. Keep the focus where it belongs -- on you. There is nothing he can do different, there is nothing to be right or wrong about, it's simply not what you want to continue. If he tries to argue anyway, cut him short. Tell him it's not up for debate, it's what you want and it's over, period. Letting him rant, rave, yell, freak out, accuse, attack, cry, etc., won't help a thing and there's no reason to put yourself (or him) through it. Short, to the point and out. Tell him you don't want any contact with him and ask him to respect your wishes. If he has things that need to be picked up, returned, whatever, mail them or arrange to have a friend pick them up. Block his email address, his phone number, etc, from yours. If he respects your wishes for no contact he'll never know you did those things. If he doesn't respect them, you'll have done yourself a huge favor by avoiding the drama, the upset and the guilt he'll try to throw on you.
  • If/when you start to wonder if breaking up was the right thing to do (it's a normal part of the healing process) pull out your list and read it. You'll remember very quickly just how bad it was and you'll be very much assured that ending it was absolutely the right thing to do.

    As far as being alone goes, I think you're going to find that being alone, away from him is a very wonderful thing. It'll be peaceful, you'll be able to do what you want without having to deal with or answer to him. You'll find out that being alone is a Godsend, not a sentence. And you won't be alone forever. Ending with him will mark the start of healing from the inappropriate, dysfunctional relationship and will get you on the road to finding a guy who is right, healthy, happy and a great partner that with whom you have a relationship that you feel is good 99.9% of the time. The only reason that may not seem believable to you is because as of now all you know is what is dysfunctional, unacceptable and not even remotely right.

    Let us know how it goes.






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

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    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 09-20-2006
    Wed, 11-08-2006 - 10:53pm

    Sigh, ok now he is this sweetest thing again acting like nothing happened and being all lovey dovey... lol. God I hate this because I am getting pulled in yet again. I will get around it though, I swear to myself, ok may be before month end... hopefully sooner.

    Thank you for your comments they are very good! I could never do it right before, and ended up much worse, like you said, just all stressed out for weeks after. However, his most common line is that I only care about myself, not him. So that would make me the b**ch who dumped him because I only gave a s**t about me, and confirm his story. (sorry for the bad language there... I starred it out :) )

    I will let you know what happens. And yes, when I made up my mind before, I could think of all the things I would do by myself and it felt like a new life, so I know what you mean. It is just very hard, because all my friends are getting married or having kids. Hello, where is that single friend... anyone? lol you can tell i am in a better mood today, can't you?

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Thu, 11-09-2006 - 1:24am
    Let me get this straight. You see that his behavior is part of a typical pattern, you know it'll all come around again, you know this is not the right place for you to be, nor is it somewhere you wish to remain, yet because he's back in the "nice guy stage" you somehow think you have to stay? This cycle will be repeated again and again, he'll always go back to nice guy when he sees things are heading down the tubes, it's not an effort to change, it's an effort to keep you where you are. Once things feel a little more secure, he's free to go back to who he is. Staying because he's in his "nice guy stage" now only prolongs the inevitable, keeps you stuck in a bad, unhappy situation longer. There's not sense or use to it, you're only going through the motions, and in doing so, you're programming yourself to go through it again and again because it's becoming something that you do repetitively.


    Who cares what he says about you? So he says you're a b**ch that only cares about yourself, two answers come to mind really quickly for me:

  • "If it makes you feel better to think so, that's fine. B**ch or no, the relationship's over."
  • Yep, I do care about myself, I care enough about myself to know I shouldn't stay where I'm not happy."

    The bottom line is the same as I said before, ending this is about you not him. Of course he's not going to be happy about it, that goes without saying. If you're waiting for a time that he'll be happy, you'll be wasting a lot more years than you've already wasted it's not going to come. If it's a matter of not wanting to be the "bad guy", you're going to sacrifice your life in order to not be that in his eyes. And in truth, part of the reason he throws those comments is likely because he knows you'll react that way, he's preying on your concerns. The only person who's going to take care of you is you -- you have to be your own advocate. He's clearly looking after his own interests, you've got to do the same. This is about your life, you need to make it count. The longer you stay where you aren't happy, the more your friends are going to be married and having kids, and the longer you're going to be on the outside looking in.

    This isn't going to change until you change it.






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

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    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-31-2004
    Thu, 11-09-2006 - 5:37pm

    you write: "However, his most common line is that I only care about myself, not him. So that would make me the b**ch who dumped him because I only gave a s**t about me, and confirm his story."


    He can think whatever he wants, but at the end of the day, that doesn't make it the truth.