Should we be together - pretty urgent

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Should we be together - pretty urgent
25
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 2:41pm

I have been with this guy for 2.5 years now. We moved in after 6 months and it was a bit too rushed - I was moving to a new city and we had to either end it or move in. After that things got much worse. He was in a new city all alone and got depressed. However, he was on antidepressants before he met me, so I don't really believe that this is new. We had our good times and bad times but in the end it became say 80% bad and 20% good on a good day. He has everything one would want in a husband but i don't know if he is for me. I am 25 and he is 34. He would get very clingy while we were living together. He would get upset easily. We started overanalyzing everything to death. I had doubts for 2 years now. I have oweranalyzed us to death. I feel dead inside now, but still can't decide. He always wanted to get married to me and keeps saying I'm the one for sure. But I just can't do it! Something is stopping me. Ok so now he had to move for his job to a city 2 hours away. I had a fit and said I'm not going because we're all screwed up. Now I have a good opportunity for a job here, but he wants me to move. If I take it I will be "betraying him". (He doesn't know yet and I have to decide on the job this week...) But right now everything is nice with him again, since we are not living together. However, I feel under pressure to move. If I move now, I will resent him, if I don't I will get to resent him because I feel the pressure, and I am afraid to break up because what if we are ment to be together? I remember my thoughts of wanting out so many times, but never having the guts. At the same time I keep thinking he is this great guy. I am so confused like never in my life. I actually can't even function anymore and have become a nervous wrek myself because I am afraid to make ANY decision about us. Any normal guy would have said I was a nut by now and walked off, but he is still clinging and wants "to help me, wants to be there for me, wants to even go to councelling" I am just feeling yey or nay NOW!

I have to decide, or it will kill me. What is wrong with me, and should we keep this going?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:40pm
I get that his line is meant to cause guilt and push her to stay, but what's funny is that what he's saying is exactly how it should be. Since when are we supposed to sacrifice out own happiness to stay in a place where we aren't happy? Yeah, we are supposed to care about ourselves, we are the ones who are responsible for our lives, our happiness, all of it. Yes, she should care about herself and let him be responsible for his own life, his own happiness. The fact that he wants her to stay doesn't make the situation right for her, and it certainly doesn't make her happy. Imagine spending your life in a situation you're not happy because someone else wants you there. What a miserable way to live, what a waste of life. Been there, done that ~ spending years in a situation that isn't happy or right for you only does one thing - it takes years away from you that you can't get back.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 4:02pm
Hi Ladies, guess who?
Things are getting fairly ridiculous, so I thought to update you. OK December. Had some fights, the usual, decided I'd tell him its off (knew for sure, like the other million times). Then felt guilty to ruin both of our holidays, so decided to do it after new years. Holidays: both are angels to each other. Working great. Love welcome back. January so far: seems like all is well. We're still not doing it though - it's down to about say 1ce a month now. No idea why. I try to strut around in what I was born, nothing happens. Really weird... Now there is a new issue though. He is religious and so am I (from a different branch). If we are to have kids, neither wants them to be of the other religion. Great, just keep adding to the problems pile. I don't even want to talk about it. But then I am so addicted that I am starting to miss him when he is not there. Too scared to be alone too. Have absolutely no single girlfriends or just anyone... who would I even hang out with? It was so much simpler in the 1800s :) you are just stuck marrying anyway. Now when you get the choice it seems so much harder to commit or walk away! argh! still as confused as ever... Seems like he is making me happy, but why do I keep having these doubts all the time? What if I meet the one and STILL have doubts? May be I have a commitment issue? I don't want to walk away, so much effort was put in... sigh.
Sorry for the gibberish - just my thoughts for your analysis... Thank you in advance and any comments welcome.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 11:07pm
Welcome back, Highly_confused. I don't get why you think it was better in the 1800s. You'd be married and miserable to the guy, and you'd know you were completely trapped for the rest of your life. Yippee. That's better/simpler to you?


It sounds like you've already identified what this relationship is. It's not workable, isn't healthy and doesn't really make you happy. You stay because you're afraid to be alone. Since you know the black and white of it, you also know what you need to do to resolve it.


You're not talking gibberish, but your "confusion" isn't confusion, and you know it. It's you knowing this is wrong, wrong, wrong, fighting against zero self esteem - fear of being alone, believing you'll never be with anyone else, and believing a bad, wrong relationship is better than none. It's the rational, reasonable side of you battling with your irrational, unreasonable fears.


Therapy. Go get some, kiddo.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 9:06pm

Well, many months later, it is done and I am once again recently single... now I'm depressed. Here's my post from 20's:

"I am 25. I have seriously dated 3 guys, all long term. But it never worked out, because of various issues (didn't want to get married, didn't get along, etc.) No abuse, nothing like that.

I am once again single. I could use loosing a few pounds, and revamping my image. That is difficult to impossible when working long hours and eating junk every day (ordering in to the office). All of my friends are married, and have no single guy friends. I do not feel too comfortable with online dating yet.

I am starting to get depressed that I will never meet anyone. Everyone tells me not to worry since I am only 25, but how can I, when everyone else is married already, and planning for kids!?

There is no time for joining any clubs (hobbies) either, at least not for the next few months...

I have ben told that I should just relax - god will provide. But that scares me also...
What would you suggest for me? Any responses appreciated."

I am happy it's done, and at the same time already depressed. I want to take a break and be single, but at the same time I am scared to do that too. I am happy in the direction my life is taking me, and yet I don't like it and am confused. I like my apartment, I hate my apartment. So many emotions! Am I having a quarter-life crisis?

Oh and how can I not be lazy - I need to do all this housework, bills, fixing up things, yet when I get home nowadays I just want to flop on the couch and say screw it all!

Sorry I know this is no longer problems for couples, but this was a good conclusion to my thread...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:38am
Hey there, Highly_confused, great to hear from you again, and really great to hear you've ended that dysfunctional relationship you were in.


It sounds like you don't feel you're complete without a guy; you're focused on being with someone, finding someone, and when you're intend on finding a guy to be with, marry you, complete you, you're bound to find nothing but dysfunctional sub-level guys. Why? Because you need a guy, and your need comes through. Dysfunctional, unhealthy, abusive guys look for and love needy girls, needy girls will put up with being treated badly and they'll accept unacceptable behavior in their boyfriends. They avoid strong, independent, self assured girls because they won't put up with their crap, won't accept being treated badly. Healthy, appropriate guys, however are very much attracted to strong, independent, self assured girls; these guys are looking for a partner, not a cling-on. They want and admire a woman who can handle herself is fine on her own and doesn't need a man. When a man is not needed, they know they have to work a little harder to keep you, you're not easy and you're not a sure thing. In short, when you feel that guys are a great addition, not a necessity, when you feel that you're just fine on your own and don't need anyone, that's when you'll find great guys.


What I'm hearing from you is that you don't feel okay on your own, you don't feel strong, self assured and independent, and you don't feel guys are a nice bonus, but not necessary. All that says your self esteem and self worth is not at all where it should be. I suggest you see a therapist to work on your issues so that you can get yourself to a good healthy state and be ready to move forward.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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