Should You Tell Him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Should You Tell Him?
9
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 3:54am

This question is spurred by b.smoothie.girl's most recent post:
undiagnosed low self esteem


I'm really not sure what I think about it. If you found out your husband or s/o had completely embellished stories about his past, but you knew that he was not a chronic liar (doesn't lie about current issues or situations) should you tell him you know what he told you about his glorious past isn't so or do you let him go on telling his stories? Does it matter, should he know you know? Or should you just keep quiet and let him wow you with tales of greatness that aren't?


Your thoughts?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 5:18am

My answer would have to depend on how the rest of the relationship looks.

If all was perfect in the relationship, and the truth about his embellishments changed nothing - then I would say nothing.

However, if my partner already had issues stemming from low self esteem that drove me crazy (such as needing constant reassurance), then I'd most likely address the issue.

Hope that helps :-)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:20pm

That makes really good sense, Aisha. I'm ashamed to admit I never would have been able to break it down so easily. Here I was struggling to figure out what was the *right* way to go without considering any other factors, and those factors make all the difference in the world.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 3:13pm
I agree with Aisha, and also think it would depend on what the embellishments/lies actually were.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 5:06pm

Having been with someone that did that, I want to add my two cents:

It turned out that wasn't just about low self esteem. It was part of worse personality disorder. I didn't know while I was living through it...I only found out later.

For that reason, I would say that yes, I would call them on it. I would make it an issue that needs to be addressed so that, at least, I understood better why they are willing to make things up like that. Yes, it is damaged self esteem and the need to represent to the world that they are something that they really are not. I would also add that the personality disorder(s) that this is/could be a part of caused the person I was with to lie and deny everthing - even with clear and convincing evidence that they were making up things. It took a vulnerable moment for her to ever even admit that she'd made anything up. Later, she went back in to denial.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2006
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 9:59pm

oh no....

I think I have to tell him I know. The weird thing is that he has told me the TRUTH about somethings that I would've thought he'd have kept to himself (in other words, not the whole past has been made up..?) For instance, he says he did 3 tours of duty in Vietnam, when in fact he did 19 months service in the Navy, partly in the brig for punching an officer then was dishonorably discharged. Okay, I guess I could see why he'd lie about that. But I got the truth about 2 ex-wives and their sorid stories.

Part 2: is it better to tell him that I've been discussing him behind his back with a buddy or should I investigate the armed forces service and tell him I've been doing a background check?? there is no lesser of two evils, is there?

I repeat... oh no...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 12:19am

I wouldn't jump into doing anything rash just on the last poster's experience. Have you seen other things that indicate a personality disorder? There'd be more than just lying about the past, I'm sure. Even if you feel it's the thing to do, if you've jumped to that decision because of the last poster, I'd give it a week or so to sink in before I did anything. Lots of times what seems like something that I've *GOT to do* doesn't seem so important at all after taking some time to sit on it.

What about what iv_Aisha and Kimbirdy said? I think they made some really good points. Are there other things going on that make you feel like it points to a bigger problem ?

If you still feel like telling him is the right thing to do, I'd say tell him you know the truth without telling him how you know. No need for him to know, at least not initially.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 11:15am
From your reaction, I assume then that there's more that concerns you than his stories of the past?








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2006
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 3:17pm
I just hadn't thought of a possible personality disorder. But the other posters are right. I don't have enough info to jump down that road just yet. I'm going to do some reading and see if there have been any other signs that went unnoticed. I've been married before and know that you can't "fix" your spouse. We're doing fine, I just would like to make his life better and maybe help him deal with some demons in his closet if he'd like my help with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 11:33pm

I could be wrong, but personally, I'm thinking if this is the only area of concern it's not worth worrying about. I would think if there were personality disorder issues, you'd have questions/reservations/concerns about other aspects of his behavior. At least those I've been in contact with who have personality disorders are easily spotted as all around "difficult" to say the least. You certainly would have questions/concerns about being in a relationship with them!


I could certainly be wrong, you're in the relationship, I'm not. But if he got a dishonorable discharge, telling stories of three tours of duty are just the opposite. Seems like it could be trying to get as far away from a part of his life that he's ashamed of as he can -- you know, extremes rather than just an "ordinary" story. Not only does he not want you to know he got a dishonorable discharge, but he may have been subconsciously trying to bolster his feelings about himself when he told you. If this is the only concern you have about his personality, I wouldn't be concerned. If this is a story he told you once, or a few times when spurred, I wouldn't be concerned. If this was a story he told frequently and brought up on his own, I'd be concerned.


This may just be a matter of wording but you can't help him deal with his demons. You can support him through his battle, but the battle is solely his to fight.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"