showed I be worried is there a problem?
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| Fri, 12-23-2005 - 10:34am |
Hi, for the last couple days this has really really been bothering me. See I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. It has been a rocky one and we did fight and break up often but I do love him and we managed to stay together this far. When I first met him and started dating him he had this girl that was constantly texting, calling, leaving messages, etc...He never hid it from me and always told me when she was doing it and let me listen to the messages. He said he was telling me because he did not want to hide it from me and that he told her many times that he had a girlfriend and did want to see her anymore. He had told me he dated her in high school they broke up and then they messed around off and on since then inbetween me and his past girlfriend that he had. She supposedly had a boyfriend up until recently (about a couple days ago) for the last couple years. When we started dating I did not really think to much into it because we were dating not an item yet and when we became serious the phone calls and texts began to stop(from what I saw and from what he was telling me could be wrong though.)
Ok here is my problem. On Sunday we broke up. We had got into a pettite fight and he broke up with me. I did not call him until the next day in the morning. We made up I and he told me he went to a basketball game on Sunday nite (when we broke up) and that girl was there. He told everyone their that we broke up. He said she was there with her boyfriend and told her to stop texting his phone. I guess the boyfriend was angry and broke up with her (or for something not sure what just assuming). (My first thought was I had already thought she had stoped doing that monthes ago what his he talking about.) On monday afternoon she texted him a picture of herself in a thong bent over on the bed (could be in a porn magazine). He showed me and I got angry and told him that to tell her to stop it. He supposedly text her back to stop it she called him 3 times and text 4 after that telling him she wants to see him and and she has the orginals if he wants it. I told him that I really am not going to put up with her acting like this and for him to fix it. I left it alone up until yesterday. We spent the whole week together (I had off so did he). In that time she has texted and called him a thousand times saying that she wants to be with him, why is he not picking up the phone, come see her and to ditch me, she has a present for him, etc..(everytime she called he played the voice mail on speaker so I I could hear that he was not answering her.) Well yesterday she called like a million times again. starting at 7:30 in the morning. I had a hair appointment at 2:30 and she called before I told him listen this is getting out of hand and is really beginning to bother me and to tell her to stop. When she was calling I told him to answer to phone. He said no "why so you and her get into a screaming match if I ignore her she will go away". I left and came back. He told me while I was gone she called again left a message and he called her back. He told her that I was getting mad and to stop and he said she said so and that she wanted to she him and she loves him. I asked him why did he wait to talk to her until I left and why could he tell her that while I was there he said because you guys will end up screaming at each other or something like that. I let it go again. She called again like 3 times until 6:30 when I left again to go to the mall. He played her voicemails which said "to make his nite free from his girlfriend and to come see her and to please call her she wants to see him tonite." I left to finish christmas shopping up. I forgot to mention she calls from a private blocked number everytime. I am getting pissed and I wanted to see if he was telling me the truth about not answering her calls. I blocked my number and called him and he answered. I hung up I was so pissed because he said that he does not answer her calls. I got home he was there. She texted and called him again like 4 or 5 times before I went to bed. I wanted to mention that we have been fightening somewhat lately because I told him a while back I wanted to move into toghether. My sister lives with me right know so he moved out of his place lives inbetween his sister and brothers and I have aksed my sister if she would move out it was only suppose to be temperary until she got on her feet. She does not want to move ibn with my mom and dad again and she has been causing a lot of problems with him and I with my parents. (it is a whole other story.) Well to get back to what I was writing about earlier he told me when I got back that he is tired of this situation with living inbetween brother and sister it has been since end of sept. He loves me he started crying but he cant do it anymore too stressfully. I said that I tried to talk to my sister and besides taking her stuff and moving it out she does not want to go and I cant just throw her out like that. We have been kinda fightening off and on since sept about this. I told him that the only thing on my mind right know is that girl and I want it to stop. I said does he want to break up so that he can go see her. He said it is not over that stupid girl and he cant believe I think that. I told him that I was very angry about it and I want to stop it is driving me crazy know. He starts again with the I cant be with u in this situation it is not u he wants to live together and stuff and it has been since sept and he can not do this anymore. I said that I loved him and did not want to break up and that I would talk to my sister again. He said that it would not be right know to talk to her because of the holdiay and that he was fine but looked miserable. What do I do is he seeing her or am I crazy. I am not an insecure person but the calling a thousand times a day is driving me crazy. He did not tell her infront of me so I do not know what he is really saying to her cause he does not pick up the phone when I am there. What is all this about what do I do do u think he is cheating? He is with me every nite but I dont know what he is doing and saying to her when I am at work or out doing something. He has never givin me a reason to doubt him until know when he answered that phone when I called private. (by the way I asked him if she called while I was gone he said yeah but he did not answer so I am kinda doubting him.) What do I do?

There is not much to say here except this: Neither you NOR HE have any control over what this ther person does or does not do. Of the 3 of you, she is being the most immature, but you and your boyfriend are running a close second.
I'm going to be really blunt in the paragraphs below. Please don't take what I say as a personal insult. All I know, and all I can respond to is the little you have said in your post. And remember that you are free to reject some or all of my comments as irrelevant to your actual situation.
He is absolutely right that thee is no reason for you to talk to her. Do you actually think there is anything you could say that will stop her from continuing to make a fool of herself? Think of what your prupose is in talking to her, and then consider the liklihood of your success (hint: it is absolute ZERO).
I understand that you are angry and annoyed that this girl won't stop bothering your boyfirend. You have 2 choices: You can deal with it, or you can leave the relationship. Sorry, no other options exist because you can't control her. What you need to understand is that if she really doesn't mean anything to him, nothiing she does should matter. That's the mature attitude to have toward her.
What you can do is stop listening to the messages and ask your boyfrined to delete them immediately when he gets them, without even listening to or reading them. Then ask him not to tell you about them any more.
Lastly, consider the possibility that he is getting a charge out of having you listen to these messages, and is sort of proud of himself that some girl is doing this. If this is true, you will know quite soon, because he won't like the idea of not having you listen and not telling you about her. If he can't go along with that suggestion(or says that he will, but then keeps mentioning her), you'll know he's WAY to immature for any kind of relationship, and you can start looking for someone who has at least started to grow up.
You also need to understand that in a strong relationship, having a little argument should not result in "breaking up." And that if you "make up" the next day, you haven't really "broken up." You've just gone through an opportunity to learn something about each other. Another sign of a strong (and mature) relationship is being able to do this (learn about each other, sometimes through minor conflicts) without getting so angry that you say things like "I don't want to see you any more" or whatevr it is that makes you define the episode as a "break up."
I agree with lrm, especially this part:
Lastly, consider the possibility that he is getting a charge out of having you listen to these messages, and is sort of proud of himself that some girl is doing this. If this is true, you will know quite soon, because he won't like the idea of not having you listen and not telling you about her. If he can't go along with that suggestion(or says that he will, but then keeps mentioning her), you'll know he's WAY to immature for any kind of relationship, and you can start looking for someone who has at least started to grow up.
He could turn off text messaging, delete them without looking at them, but I get the feeling that the moment he told her at the game that the two of you broke up, she took it as a green light and started to increase her contact with him. He never set the record straight - he gets an ego stroke out of her attention.
Ignore her and the calls. But personally, in my opinion, there are one too many people in your relationship. Her calls are a big focus of your relationship.
Carrie
I also agree with everything that's been said and would add the following:
If he really wanted her calls to stop he would change his cell number, change his phone number or at least block her number from his phone and block his phone from accepting unknown callers. I absolutely think he's getting a huge ego boost out of this and is passively allowing this to continue to continue getting stroked. The fact that he's not taking action to make the calls stop gives you every reason to feel he doesn't want her to go away. So to your question, "Should I be worried there is a problem?" Yes, there is a problem. He's not willing to do what it takes to get her out of his life and that says he wants her to stay in. His not taking action is a decision on his part to allow it to continue. This is his choice and it tells you exactly what to expect in this relationship.
What I cannot understand is why you would consider moving in with someone whom you're having so many problems and issues with? It would seem that the problems you're having should be an indication that moving in together would be a mistake.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
<<>>>
Or maybe he's afraid of what she might find out?
zz
Sweetie - He could makes moves to stop her if he wanted to, but he doesnt. The message he's sending her is to keep it up, he likes it. The message he's sending you is that he cares more about having his ego stroked by this girl than what this does to your relationship. In other words what he has with you isn't important enough to make her go away. That should tell you he's not important enough to hassle with.
Move in with him? You gotta be kidding. Kick him to the curb and move on. Either he's not into you enough or he's too into himself for anyone to matter. Either way he's a dumper.
I agree with this. He can't stop her, but he certainly can - and should - dissuade her, and there are actions he could and should take that would stop much of her contact. The fact that he doesn't says it all.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You need to think about what it's doing to you emotionally and how his constant acceptance of allowing her to continue calling is affecting your relationship. If he acts like this now, will he act the same way in the future when another ex shows up? What is his true intent of allowing her to continue, to make you jealous or angry, or both?
In this case, I would honestly say, if he's TRULY not interested in "helping" her go away, then you need to move on to someone who is more interested in you and not themselves.
Even if he is trying to make her go away, don't even consider moving in together until you have all of this out of the way (way out of the way), and until you can feel completely comfortable again in your relationship with him.