Showing respect

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Showing respect
28
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 7:43am

Hi there
Please help me, my wife tells me I am not showing her respect. When we talked about it, it appears her idea of how to show respect is very different to mine. I certainly do respect her very much and showed it in my way, to her I wasnt showing her any.

So my question is how do you show your partner you respect them, what does respect mean to you?

Thank you very much for any advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: lon13
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 3:39pm

Lon, from what you write, your wife has many expectations upon your behaviour but is very poor at communicating those expectations. Would this be a fair conclusion?

I'm also wondering about what you did that lost her trust when pregnant. Did you do something that you thought was OK - or did you absolutely know that it was wrong? Is this case of her punishing you for something that she thought was wrong but she hadn't expressed her expecations?

Does she have many expecations on you which you don't feel are fair? And I'm also wondering about your apologies to her. From how I see it, you didn't do anything wrong re the email - so why do you apologise? Do you always take the position of the one who has done wrong and apologise? If you believe that she's out of line, do you tell her?

Regarding trust, I understand that trust can take a while to find again. But there also comes a time when it's better to just walk away than to keep prolonging the agony of "lack of trust". If she's never going to be able to re-build the trust, then it's not much of a relationship is it?

I'm sorry to hear that you're not trying for baby #3 at present. However, given the state of your marriage, it's truly not a bad thing. No baby deserves to be born into such a marriage.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
In reply to: lon13
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 3:46pm

You are right and I dont think I have her respect. And the mind reading is a common theme to problems I have had and brought up with her.
She says it is my fault we can not have the third because of my actions. It is not her fault at all, she is completly the victim.

My concern with standing up to her is losing my kids. I worry probably too much that if I push too hard on demanding change from her she will basically say no, and walk out with the kids. I wouldnt get sole custody and wouldnt want it (as in they should have time with both parents ). Basicaly the worst case scenario for me. So it feels like a lose lose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lon13
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 3:53pm

Your wife sounds very angry, angrier than just about thinking you're having an email conversation with someone who's not there, there's got to be more to it than that.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: lon13
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 3:57pm

If I were you, I'd go see an attorney asap.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lon13
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 4:12pm

Wow, this is a different kettle of fish altogether than it seemed from your first post...it sounds like you are trying but nothing you do is good enough.

I agree with the suggestion to go see an attorney just in case. Then I think it's time for a "we need to go to counseling or we may not be able to save this marriage because I'm really trying but it's not working and I don't know what else to do" talk.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
In reply to: lon13
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 4:14pm

Why would you want to have more children under these kinds of circumstances?

Your wife can say she doesnt' want you discussing the marriage in your counseling sessions, but they're YOUR sessions, you talk about what YOU want to talk about, and you should be talking about your marriage, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: lon13
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 5:10pm
How sad that she is stuck in her stuff and not willing to let go a little even to heal and move the relationship forward. You could take her on the Dr Phil show?! LOL Sorry.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: lon13
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 5:22pm

You know, I'm very interested to know if she's been like this always or if this is a change from her "nrmal" self. I'm also very interested in learning when the change happened if one did.

My thought process is, what if it's PPD? (Post-partum depression). it was mentioned that there was a 2 and 3 year old. If PPD started after the birth of the first, even to a small degree, the pregnancy of the 2nd would have REALLY exacerbated the issue. Not that I have NEAR the information to say it is it or anything. But this could all be medical.

Jen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: lon13
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 5:49pm

totally agree with all that 2nd life has written. There is so much more bubbling beneath the surface here.

2nd life said: >>You said she views your actions while she was pregnant as a breach of trust. You described it as "putting less demands on her". Exactly what do you mean? Specifically, what did you do?<<

I agree that more information is required for us to give you good advice. But when you tell us what you did (and I hope you will), please also describe the circumstances behind what happened. The answer to WHY it happened is just as important as WHAT happened.

All this aside, I've been thinking about you saying that you've reinvented yourself for her so many times that you no longer know who you are. Those that know me well will know that I'm always telling women to not try and change their men. To accept their men for who they are. What has happened to you is a perfect example of the results of trying to change someone.

Could I suggest that instead of trying to please your wife, your priority should be trying to figure out who you are and what you want from life? And then you should try to find it.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lon13
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 5:53pm

Yes, after further thought, I agree...if by "putting less demands on her" you went elsewhere for sex (cheated), then that's yet again a whole different kettle of fish.

Sheri