Sick and tired

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2012
Sick and tired
5
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 6:01pm

 I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. I have also been putting up with an affection-less, sex-less relationship for the same amount of time. We live together in my home that I own. He gives me money  once a month which includes half the mortgage, condo fee, electric and cable.. I don't  make enough money at this time, and I haven't made much money for the majority of time we have been together.  There have been times that he has had to help me with bills beyond his monthly payment to me. He has bought a new AC unit, and helped me file for bankruptcy. I have had such financial problems because I don't make enough. Total he has spent about $3000 to help me.  I am trying and have been for the past 2 years to find a better job, additional job, or whatever to make more money so I don't need his $500 a month.  I am very dissatisfied with the relaitonship I have with him. He has issues with intimacy that he admits to. However, he says that until I am able to contribute more financially( equally) than he feels no need to work on his issues. I feel that I am suffering emotinally in this relationship. It is so dysfunctional that I am beginning to resent him. He does absolutely no housework(I don't ask him to clean, just to pick up after himself). He says again when I start being able to stand on my feet financially he will start doing more around the house. He buries himself in his computer for hours after work and on weekends doing fantasy sports. I feel that I am not a priority to him. I am stressed enough about my finances. I feel like being with him is giving me even more stress. His lack of affection makes me feel so unloved. I want to be kissed, hugged, touched, told I am loved, and made love to- and he gives me none of this.  He uses the fact that I am struggling financially as leverage over the relationship. I really don't think he understands how I feel and the stress I go through every day. He has a good paying job, and no financial problems whatsoever. He can buy whatever he wants and his bills are always paid. I am not asking for sympathy from him, but for empathy. He told me that he doesn't think I will ever pay him  back or ever be financially stable. Just because I made a big financial mistake in the past he holds that against me. I have been paying for my mistake for years,  and I don't need him throwing it in my face the way he does. Are the majority of men like this? I don't know. I have never been in a relationship where I have had to ask for help paying for things. I feel so stuck.  

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 12:38pm

shootliss wrote:
<p> I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. I have also been putting up with an affection-less, sex-less relationship for the same amount of time. We live together in my home that I own. He gives me money  once a month which includes half the mortgage, condo fee, electric and cable.. I don't  make enough money at this time, and I haven't made much money for the majority of time we have been together.  There have been times that he has had to help me with bills beyond his monthly payment to me. He has bought a new AC unit, and helped me file for bankruptcy. I have had such financial problems because I don't make enough. Total he has spent about $3000 to help me.  I am trying and have been for the past 2 years to find a better job, additional job, or whatever to make more money so I don't need his $500 a month.  I am very dissatisfied with the relaitonship I have with him. He has issues with intimacy that he admits to. However, he says that until I am able to contribute more financially( equally) than he feels no need to work on his issues. </p>
 

That's non sequitur.  The state of the economy has nothing to do with how he chooses to treat with you. How he chooses to treat with you is all on him--and he undertakes it of his own free will.

shootliss wrote:
<p> I feel that I am suffering emotinally in this relationship. It is so dysfunctional that I am beginning to resent him. He does absolutely no housework(I don't ask him to clean, just to pick up after himself). He says again when I start being able to stand on my feet financially he will start doing more around the house. </p>

Again, that is non sequitur.  He isn't encased in a plastic bubble where his hairs and skin doesn't flake off, creating dust throughout the house.  Leaving dirty dishes in the sink has nothing to do with how much money you bring into your own home. 

He paid rent in exchange for a place to live, which is what every adult does... we don't live off our mom for free if we have a responsible bone in our bodies. No court in the land is going to say that he is entitled to recompense for what he has paid to live there--that would be setting precident for every tenant to sue their landlord for the money they paid in rent throughout the duration of the lease agreement.  Were he to be evicted (which I suggest you get about the business of doing), $500 ain't going to get him a studio, let alone a house with the square footage you have.

shootliss wrote:
<p>He buries himself in his computer for hours after work and on weekends doing fantasy sports. I feel that I am not a priority to him. I am stressed enough about my finances. I feel like being with him is giving me even more stress. His lack of affection makes me feel so unloved. I want to be kissed, hugged, touched, told I am loved, and made love to- and he gives me none of this.  He uses the fact that I am struggling financially as leverage over the relationship. I really don't think he understands how I feel and the stress I go through every day. He has a good paying job, and no financial problems whatsoever. He can buy whatever he wants and his bills are always paid.</P>

In other words, he's freeloading through life and he's using emotional abuse to help pay his way.  He doesn't need to understand how you feel or how much stress it puts on you--he's not pressed over it.  Until he is pressed over it (being served with eviction papers which he then must address through the court), he's going to sit right there and let you allow him to abuse you.  This man is not the man you want around--he certainly isn't a man you want as husband if he's treating you like this and you're not even married to him.

shootliss wrote:
<p> I am not asking for sympathy from him, but for empathy. He told me that he doesn't think I will ever pay him  back or ever be financially stable. Just because I made a big financial mistake in the past he holds that against me. I have been paying for my mistake for years,  and I don't need him throwing it in my face the way he does. Are the majority of men like this? I don't know. I have never been in a relationship where I have had to ask for help paying for things. I feel so stuck.  </p><p>

No, only hateful men who are takers are like this. No man who was of sufficient, good character would hold a person's mistake over them and abuse them at will with it.  It is quite clear that that man does not possess integrity or good character.

Do not let today pass without you looking up how to proceed with the eviction process and finding out your rights as the homeowner.  You need to be about the business of getting this person out of your house. I dare say that once he's gone, your financial situation just very well may lighten up because the burden of having to deal with him will be gone.  As long as his name isn't on any mortgage papers, he has no legal rights to that house other than a tenant's---and eviction will address that problem.

start here: http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/state-landlord-tenant-laws

Did you sign any legal documents for any of the money he lent you? If not, then it's treated just like a gift--and you're not obligated to give back any gift in any form, even if that form is money.  If he came out of his pocket of his own volition, then he has to swallow that cost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 8:24am

I agree with what the other posters have written, and wanted to add: When you throw him out, don't sign anything that agrees you owe him that $3000.  He did not spend that money for you, he spent it so he could be comfortable in your house.  Since the two of you don't have a romantic relationship, and he is only giving you $500 per month, the $3000, averaged over 42 months (the length of time you've been living together) is what he has paid for your services as a maid and a cook.  That comes to $71.43 per month, by the way. 

I suggest that you consult a lawyer about what you will need to do to get him out of your house legally, because with a sweet deal like the one he has, I doubt he will just pack up and go.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 7:32am

shootliss wrote:
However, he says that until I am able to contribute more financially( equally) than he feels no need to work on his issues. I feel that I am suffering emotinally in this relationship. It is so dysfunctional that I am beginning to resent him. He does absolutely no housework(I don't ask him to clean, just to pick up after himself). He says again when I start being able to stand on my feet financially he will start doing more around the house. 

A relationship is not a quid-pro-quo and these things are not mutually exclusive. Your finances have nothing to do with his intimacy issues or the housework. He is merely using this as an excuse to not make an effort in the relationship and manipulate situations in his favor. No, most men are not like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 2:30am

Music is exactly right.  This guy isn't interested in a relationship, he's purely an opportunist. He doesn't need to work on his issues until you can hold up your 1/2 of the finances means he thinks he's got you over a barrel and can take advantage of you.  This is not a guy you'd want a relationship with if you had all the money you needed.  You want a guy who cares about you, cares about your feelings and cares about the relationship.  A guy who cares would want to work on himself because he wouldn't want the relationship to suffer and wouldn't want his issues to be a problem in the relationship.  

I thought the exact same thing as Music as far as getting a roommate to pay for things and get him out of there.  It's easy to see why you'd feel so awful, he's using you and degrading you.  You're not there because you love who he is, you're there because you need what he can provide you.  He knows that and treats you however he wants.  Ick.  Take in that roommate and give him the boot.  When you do, expect he'll turn mean about what he's paid for (don't let him threaten you or guilt you) or he'll turn sweet and want to make things different with you.  Don't buy it, you've seen the real him and it's not at all attractive. 

You are not defined by your current circumstances or past mistakes.  Get rid of him so that it's not rubbed in your face daily that you are.  I highly suspect your self esteem will improve by leaps and bounds the minute he's out of your life.  


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 8:24pm

No, the majority of men are not like this.  He is mistreating you and as you said, making you feel bad because you don't have much money.  Now look at it this way--wouldn't he have to pay at least $500/month to live anywhere?  If he was living with someone like a roommate, wouldn't he expect to not only pay his share of the rent but also do part of the cleaning too?  Is your place 2 BR where you could just kick him out and get a real roommate to share expenses?  Then that person would just pay rent and not expect you to do all the household chores too and wouldn't be putting you down.  He's basically telling you that you're just a source of money to him, that he doesn't care about you.  Is there equity in your condo?  Would it be worth it to try to sell it so you'd have some kind of savings?  Obviously this guy doesn't care about you at all, so the sooner you could make a plan to get rid of him, the better, but you can't do it until you can find another financial option.