Sick of my husband's selfishness!
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| Sat, 04-22-2006 - 2:08pm |
Hi,
I have been married for 12+ yrs and have 4 boys, ages 3,6,8 & 11. My oldest has Autism Spectrum disorder and my second oldest has ADHD. My DH also has ADHD and refuses treatment and/or medication. I am in a living H*LL!!!!!! I am a stay at home mom and am homeschooling my oldest. My DH work long hours but owns his own business, so has some control over this but chooses the long hours. When not working he is soley interested in his own interests. Everything is about him! If my kids want to go to an amusement park etc, he sulks and is a stick in the mud. We have done plenty of activities just for him but he cannot do anything for anybody else without it being known that he doesn't want to be there. He also goes out with his friends once or twice a week and has little regard for me sitting at home.
What really bothers me is the fact that he is rarely home and when he is he is emotionally detached. I feel extremely ignored and neglected. He can be a good DAD but only plugs in when he's ready. This is not what parenting is!!! My kids don't understand this and I do not like the message it is sending them. I have all responsibilities on me except for working outside the home. I am tired, I never get a break and my DH is not my partner but rather like anoher child.
I've tried talking with my DH about all of this and he will just shrug it off as if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Having a discussion of any kind is to him an interrogation. No matter what the topic, he cannot have a two way conversation with me.Unless it is work related, then he can talk. We've been to counseling but my DH decided that all therapists are quacks and refuses to participate. I went alone for awhile but cannot fix our marriage all by myself. I also feel if he treated is ADHD then we wouldn't be in this hole as deep as we are.
I have thought of leaving but I am not sure how I'd be able to manage with the 4 kids and having to work. I have no family or friends that would help out...at all! I am barely able to deal with my situation now. My oldest is like having a forever two yr. old and my second oldest is quite a handful. When I explain to DH that I am feeling overwhelmed and tired and would like his help....he'll say something stupid like "We shouldn't of had so many kids". Well that doesn't help me now!
I am feeling really tired and alone but don't know what I should do. Any words of support and encouragment would help! Thanks Kristine

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How incredibly sad for you. My opinion is that you might want to consider going back to counseling alone - to help you cope, to give you strength and possibly to figure out how to get some time for yourself.
If you left, I'm sure you'd get child support (hopefully he wouldn't just not pay), the same medical benefits (if he was ordered to leave you and the family on his plan) and possibly state help due to your child.
Here's something else to consider:
::When I explain to DH that I am feeling overwhelmed and tired and would like his help....he'll say something stupid like "We shouldn't of had so many kids".
You need to reply back, I agree, so today I need you to take care of X - (put the youngest in his arms) and I need X, Y and Z done, which one can you help with? Hand him a stack of clean laundry, "here, would you put these away for me...thanks?" and walk away. Make it specific to what you want him to help you with.
Edited 4/22/2006 2:29 pm ET by itwinflame
Carrie
((hugs)) to you. From one autism mother to another, I hear you.
Sadly, I don't have any great suggestions for your marriage - but I do want to reassure you that you're not being unreasonable.
I have a 9yo AS and a 6yo NT and I could not manage without the support of my husband. These days I can go to the mall with just the two kids, but it wasn't that long ago when I couldn't go anywhere without my husband. However, outings such as the aquarium, museum or zoo still require two adults to supervise two kids. My DH and I also have the knack of taking over from each other when we hear the partner start to loose control with DS. (We hear the other one's voice rising and say "it's OK, I'll take over from here")
Quite frankly, I would have suggested that you seriously consider leaving, since you're already effectively a single mom. But as you're not emotionally in this place, I will offer you some more practical advice to try and help the situation you're in.
(Bearing in mind that I'm Australian, so services could be a little different for you)
Do you have any respite services available? My son goes to respite care for a day or two during school vacation, but I know that the same service offers after school places for those in need. These services are highly subsidised and therefore are affordable.
Is homeschooling really the only option to you? If your son could not cope in mainstream, perhaps there is a place in an autistic school? I think that many of these schools give preference to those families who are in crisis. School hours do give me a huge amount of respite.
Do you still do early intervention with your son? I found that all the speech, OT and PT became extremly draining and dumped them years ago. ABA was never an option for the same reason. Perhaps a 6 month break from therapy would help you? While therapy is important for one's disabled child, if we loose our sanity in the process, we are of no help to our children anyway! I've always figured that a sane mother was far more important than therapy.
Do you cut yourself some slack in what your son "should be" doing? There's a lot of pressure in the media to try and limit the amount of time that our kids spend in front of screens. But if I let my DS sit in front of Star Wars DVDs (latest obsession) or surf the net for hours on end, then he's HAPPY AND CONTENT. And therefore, so am I. Let's face it, he's not NT, never will be NT so I don't try to have him doing what NT kids should be doing.
If your budget can afford it, what about hiring a Nanny for a few days per week? Someone with experience in the disability field and one that shares your ideals on how to support the kids and you. (Or perhaps a younger girl who is training in childcare would be cheaper) I realise that this is a huge luxury for a SAHM, but let's face it, if your husband won't help out - you NEED someone who can.
Lastly, what's the story with your family? Are they far away - or do they not accept the situation you are in? I know that there are a number of cultures where many families tend to be not as accepting.
take care of yourself
Aisha
for the uninitiated reading this post..... AS = Autism Spectrum. NT = Neuro Typical (normal)
Toxic MIL .......help!
I'm very sorry for the situation you're in with your husband and his mother, but I'm afraid I don't see that any of it's going to change.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi,
Thank you for your post. It helps to know somebody else understands. Things are a little different over here, as far as services go for my son. I started homeschooling him in Jan. due to an inexperienced teacher doing detrimental things regarding my DS with Autism. He was eligible for Speech and OT but I declined because I would of had to bring him into the school everyday, all at different times etc. I agree, my sanity was more important. I may be putting him back into school in Sept. I haven't decided yet. We don't have any respite care here.
I also agree with your philosophy regarding television etc. I don't listen to the recommended tv viewing hours. My kids are too active to stay put anyway...usually! If my son has done all of his school work for the day, I have no problem with him watching tv or playing video games. He tends to get sick of watching after an hour or so usually. If he is enjoying a show or playing a video game.....why disturb him? He'll just get into conflict around the house.
Your idea regarding a nanny is a good one, however I'm having trouble keeping them. Having 4 boys so close in age and then having my oldest with Autism and my 2nd with ADHD, most sitters leave here screaming and never return. I've lost track of how many we have been thtough.I keep trying though!
I don't have any contact with my family. My mother has borderline personality disorder and I was abused as a child, so I decided not to subject myself or my children to that. My MIL has rejected me from day one and I thought she would come to accept me eventually, but I was used as a doormat instead. She up and decided last Fall that she was cutting me out of the family because I wasn't the "type of DIL " she wanted. That's a whole other issue in our marriage.
I just wish I could find a way to wake my DH up! Like with a shot of cold water or a good kick in the pants! I do thank you for your input, it has helped! Kristine
Kristine, I feel so bad for you in this situation. And I've got absolutely no more ideas.
After reading the link to your post on Toxic Relationships, I believe that NOTHING will change your husband. He is who he is and will stay like this forever.
Are you truly better off here in this marriage than leaving? If you were a single mom, it would be tough - but as you're currently getting only grief - would it be any worse?
I'm also concerned about your health while you're in this situation. I'd bet that this constant stress is giving your health a run for it's money. Have you got any chronic health issues going on?
Hi Aisha,
My health is ok, I suffer from migraines and naturally have a lot of stress so I've had panic attacks but I'm holding my own. I really try to take care of myself the best I can for the sake of the kids because if I get sick...it's just me and becomes a free for all.
Yes, my MIL post.....I've finally put my foot down with that mess. Since I grew up being neglected and abused I fully see how I got into this situation. I am desperately trying to climb out! She was the first order of business! When she declared her exclusion of me to DH, it sort of helped me to clearly see that there was no reason in the world to subject myself to this abuse any longer.I had no reason at all to blame myself. It finally hit me that my relationship with her paralleled mine with my mother. I grew up and decided not to allow my mother to continue to abuse me....why am I allowing this other woman too????
DH realizes finally that she is irrational as well but doesn't know how to deal with her or the situation and will never stop speaking to her. It is easier for him to just do nothing than to make any kind of stand and that's his problem now. I told him that his relationship with her will be independent of me and the kids. He has accepted that for now but I know eventually his mother will be able to manipulate him again. DH has told me she's in therapy. Good for her but it's too late to make ammends with me. The kinds of things she has done/said are irreversible in my book!
I know my DH will never change, he is how he is! He won't seek counseling, he won't go on medication for his ADHD which is part of our problems and he refuses to take my feelings into consideration about anything. It is unfortunate! I can't change him but I can choose how I respond to our situations. My first tasks was dissociating from my MIL. Now I am actively pointing things out to DH on a daily basis regarding chores, the kids, and my feelings regarding certain topics. He can either pitch in, act like an adult or I disengage and just do it myself without an argument. When he chooses to act like one of the kids so to speak, I point it out and disengage.
An example was the other day he wanted to go out and it was raining so I said,"let's take the kids to the mall just to get out of the house". My son with ADHD didn't have his medication so he was screaming in the car. I had a headache and after telling ds to stop screaming several times, I said "I can't believe I suggested this" under my breath. Well DH gets pissed off at me and turns the car around and says he doesn't want to be around me for complaining and threatens to drop me off home. I looked at him and say "your mad at me for what I said....meanwhile your son is screaming on the top of his lungs right behind me and I have a headache???" I then said " the h*ll with you.....take me home". "I don't want to be around you!" So I got out of the car and took the kids with me. He was stunned! He thought he was going to threaten dropping me home and I would argue about it or something. I simply refused to take part in something so ridiculous anymore. A few days later he tried bringing it up. I just looked at him and said that he shouldn't threaten anything to me unless he plans on carrying it through because I'm not having it.
I'm still working on my approach which is really for self preservation at this point. I appreciate your concern and thanks for listening! Kristine
Kristine, I'm so glad to hear that you're standing up to your MIL. Doesn't sound like it will be easy without your husband's support, but good on you anyway.
I'm also glad to hear that you're standing up to your husband. However, the exchange the two of you had in the car sent up a few of my red flags. I'd like to break it down for you and I beg you to not be offended. As this is not my intention.
>>My son with ADHD didn't have his medication so he was screaming in the car. I had a headache and after telling ds to stop screaming several times, I said "I can't believe I suggested this" under my breath. Well DH gets pissed off at me and turns the car around and says he doesn't want to be around me for complaining and threatens to drop me off home. I looked at him and say "your mad at me for what I said....meanwhile your son is screaming on the top of his lungs right behind me and I have a headache???" I then said " the h*ll with you.....take me home". "I don't want to be around you!" So I got out of the car and took the kids with me.<<
One thing that concerns me is that you and he argued in front of the children. I apreciate that the two of you were frustrated...however, it's NEVER Ok to argue in front of the kids. Your husband should not have turned the car around....however, you shold not have joined him in the arguement. It would have been more appropriate for you to remind him how to act infront of the kids and that this problem will be discussed in private. It would also have been appropriate for the two of you to continue the the mall as planned.
I'm also concerned that you cancelled the kid's trip to the mall. You were effectively punishing the kids for your husband's behaviour. And if the kids were really looking forward to going to the mall - it was terribly unfair to them.
Cancelling the trip to the mall and the fighting would also be increasing the stress levels of your AS and ADHD children. And the result would be that they end up acting worse and then exacerbating the sitation. If I know one thing about these kids, it's that they need a calm, predicable environment. And you and your husband are not providing this.
Quite honestly, as you are already having difficulties with the behaviour of your special needs children, I suggest that you and your husband URGENTLY address the stress levels between the two of you. And NEVER EVER should the two of you have a strong disagreement in front of the kids. It could only be making their behaviour worse. If your husband cannot still his tongue, then he should not be around them.
I understand that the behaviour of your special needs kids can increase the stress levels in the house....resulting in you and your husband getting upset at each other. I know the circle of frustration this creates. But you MUST end this circle. Your children cannot change their ways - so the buck stops with you and your husband. When the two of you have calmed your end of the family issues, the children's behaviour will also improve. Which will then, in turn, improve the family tensions.
Perhaps your husband will consider addressing the issues not for you - but for the sake of the kids? Does he understand that your kids (esp. the special needs ones) need a calm and predictable environment?
Please, I ask again for you to not be offended by my bluntness. I just hope that I can assist you in getting past this crisis.
Edited 4/26/2006 4:00 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Just one more thought.
Your husband is spending all his spare time at work. And he also stated that he's tired of your complaining. Could the two issues be related? Perhaps he's avoiding you?
I do realise that you are complaining because he's not there (a justified complaint), but perhaps there is a way to discuss with him WHY he's spending so much time at work. Perhaps it's something that can be altered on the home front?
If it is due to your complaints, now would be a good time to NOT mention that he started it...and just look at a resolution.
Edited 4/26/2006 5:15 am ET by iv_aisha2004
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