Sick of my husband's selfishness!
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| Sat, 04-22-2006 - 2:08pm |
Hi,
I have been married for 12+ yrs and have 4 boys, ages 3,6,8 & 11. My oldest has Autism Spectrum disorder and my second oldest has ADHD. My DH also has ADHD and refuses treatment and/or medication. I am in a living H*LL!!!!!! I am a stay at home mom and am homeschooling my oldest. My DH work long hours but owns his own business, so has some control over this but chooses the long hours. When not working he is soley interested in his own interests. Everything is about him! If my kids want to go to an amusement park etc, he sulks and is a stick in the mud. We have done plenty of activities just for him but he cannot do anything for anybody else without it being known that he doesn't want to be there. He also goes out with his friends once or twice a week and has little regard for me sitting at home.
What really bothers me is the fact that he is rarely home and when he is he is emotionally detached. I feel extremely ignored and neglected. He can be a good DAD but only plugs in when he's ready. This is not what parenting is!!! My kids don't understand this and I do not like the message it is sending them. I have all responsibilities on me except for working outside the home. I am tired, I never get a break and my DH is not my partner but rather like anoher child.
I've tried talking with my DH about all of this and he will just shrug it off as if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Having a discussion of any kind is to him an interrogation. No matter what the topic, he cannot have a two way conversation with me.Unless it is work related, then he can talk. We've been to counseling but my DH decided that all therapists are quacks and refuses to participate. I went alone for awhile but cannot fix our marriage all by myself. I also feel if he treated is ADHD then we wouldn't be in this hole as deep as we are.
I have thought of leaving but I am not sure how I'd be able to manage with the 4 kids and having to work. I have no family or friends that would help out...at all! I am barely able to deal with my situation now. My oldest is like having a forever two yr. old and my second oldest is quite a handful. When I explain to DH that I am feeling overwhelmed and tired and would like his help....he'll say something stupid like "We shouldn't of had so many kids". Well that doesn't help me now!
I am feeling really tired and alone but don't know what I should do. Any words of support and encouragment would help! Thanks Kristine

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Hi Aisha,
You have not offended me. I hear what you are saying and agree. My DH has a problem with me voicing my opinion about anything. Unles I agree with him there's a problem. If he wants to go out and I don't....he can't hear no. I'm not nagging him about anything. He cannot take me saying something like " I'd rather not go out today, I have a lot of house work and was up last night with the kids. I'd rather just hang around the house". He'll throw a tantrum. When we do go out we have to leave early and come home late or he is not satisfied. And we have to go and do things that he wants to do or else he is not satisfied!!! Things like drives out of state, garden tours....things kids don't enjoy doing. As you know, with special needs kids you cannot just hop in a car all day and have a nice time. I take the brunt of the kids complainig because they don't want to be there etc. They will start fighting or screaming and then my DH has a problem with me for trying to curb it. Hence my original post...my DH doesn't care about anybody else in this family but himself and to be honest with you resents the kids with the problems.
I normally do not argue about serious things in front of the kids, however the exchange we had in the car was not heated at all because I did not let it escalate. Sometimes I feel by not saying anything that I am teaching my kids that it is alright to treat me disrespectfully.I felt bad for punishing the kids for DH's behavior but I cannot allow him to treat me like that in front of the kids either. It would of continued at the mall if I didn't go home. There was nothing I could do, he left and took the car otherwise I would of dropped him off and went with the kids. If anything at least my kids did see me sticking up for myself and that DAD has to treat MOM appropriately too. My thoughts are that certain topics should never be talked/agrued about in front of the kids ever. I don't feel it is particularly damning to have debates/exchanges in front of the kids as long as they're not harmful topics and you do it fairly. We don't call each other names or belittle one another when we argue, so I think it's alright for the kids to see that people disagree and can voice their opinion. I don't think it's natural for them to think we never argue or disagree. I have told DH that his behavior is not appropriate period, especially in front of the kids but he does not care. Hence my original post!
To answer your last question, I don't complain, I don't nag, I ask for what I need. He sees them as the same thing. He'll ask me what's wrong but doesn't want to hear the answer. I don't believe he's avoiding me with work. He owns his own business and he thrives on it. The only time I can get a good conversation in is when he is talking about work. Whatever doesn't directly concern him, isn't of any interest to him. He was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult but won't get help, I believe this is the root of our issues. It's like him going through life with blinders on. He can only take interest in what directly pertains to him. I should note that he is an only child as well which has also added to the situation. His mother always told him how wonderful and amazing he is...still does. She over did it....DH has a big head.
I'm at the point now where I am just trying to get some control over the situation and it has to start with me. I am in self preservation mode right now. I got rid of MIL and now I'm trying to get DH to see that I am not happy in this marriage and that he needs to meet me half way. If not, I will eventually leave. Thank you for your thoughts and I was not offended at all. Kristine
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~~Why do mothers do this? My mil did the same thing to DH..... I understand this part....
Otherwise, I don't have anything useful to add yet. :)
Jen
Oh dear. Sorry about jumping to conclusions about the car issue.
The only thought I have left is that you must express to him that leaving the marriage is an option for you. Or, if you have already expressed this - what was his reaction?
Hi,
I've expressed to DH that if things don't change I will leave. He doesn't get it! He really does not understand the situation and how his behavior affects everybody in the house. Similar to the situation with his mom...it's just eaisier for him to do nothing! This is why I have taken it upon myself to do what I have to do.
I know for a long time that my H just did NOT get that I was unhappy. even when I told him over and over that I was unhappy and that I was SERIOUSLY thinking of leaving. Then someone asked me where I would rate our marriage on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst it could be. I rated it an 8-9. Good days it was an 8, bad it was a 9 or higher. I started wondering what H would say so I asked him the same question. He rated it at a 6. And since it was a 6 to him, he couldn't understand why I thought things were so bad. He also had a hard time grasping it because he wasn't DOING anything that bad. Well, no, he wasn't DOING much of anything, which was a large part of the problem.
We then were given a marriage quiz to take and once again, my scores came out with things A LOT worse than his.
It's a matter of perspective. It's not that bad to him, so it can't be that bad.
Jen
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