Sleepovers @ friends when you're married
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| Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:04pm |
To me the idea of a husband or wife sleeping over a friends house is weird (assuming you are not having some kind of big fight and need to get away). Would you feel weird about your husband going to stay the night at a friends house?
Let me give you the background story. I'm 24 & married (husband is 23). We have a 3.5 year old and I'm 8 mths pregnant. My husband has been real stressed with work (retail manager) and with us bickering lately (no huge fights, just bickering about dumb stuff like where the furnature should go in the babyroom). The other night he went out to play pool with a couple of friends which I wasn't invited to go because they wanted to talk about me (i'm not just being sarcastic or anything, that was the plan). When my husband came home a couple hours later he told me what was said (not right away but it came up). Anyway their advice to him while talking was basically that he should spend more time away from his family and his friend invite him to come spend the night tonight (he works from 9am until 9:30pm so would be going straight to his friends house).
To me, it just doesn't seem right that a married person would be having overnights at friends houses. I mean, that is something you did in highschool. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem if he wants to go hangout at this friends house, but I just don't like the overnight thing. I can understand if a friend lives a few hours away then it would make sense to stay the night rather than drive home. His friend has spent a few nights over here on our couch and I don't mind that at all. Keep in mind he's a bachlor and doesn't have a wife at home sitting around when he comes here to stay occasionally. I guess it just seems weird to me because my parents never had 'overnights' at friends houses. They only time my dad was ever away without my mom was when he had to go on a business trip.
It's not a huge deal, it just bothers me. So I wanted to get some outside opinions on the overnight thing. Maybe I'm just thinking like this because my parents never did that. Maybe I'm just not liking the idea because I'm over emotional since I'm 8 months pregnant.
Any feedback is welcome. Thanks.

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IMMATURITY!
His friends, the fact that he went out just to rag on you with other people (disrespectful), and then to even propose that he spend the night somewhere other than where his very expectant wife is, to me is just ludacris.
No you are not being hormonal and it is a big deal.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
The whole scenario sounds immature and 'high-school-ish'
Di, Thanks for the reply.
I'm glad to see that others agree that overnights at friends aren't something married people do. It's very nice to have the internet to get outside opinions.
He has never in the past spent the night at a friends house (With the exception of the night before our wedding where he stayed the night at a friends house so he didn't see me before the wedding).
I don't know how often he gets advice from his friends, this is the first time he has told me about advice he has gotten in at least 6 months.
I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I really disagree with the way he's acting. I just wanted to tell the whole story rather than just my side of the story.
I understand what you are saying.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Kim, Thanks for the reply.
About the whole playing pool and me not being invited thing, here's the long version:
Once a month I go to dinner with a group of mom's just so we can all get out of the house for a bit. They had thrown a surprise baby shower for me that night. When I was on my way home I called and told my husband about how they had surprised me with some gifts for the baby. While we were talking he said that his friends had came by and wanted to play pool. His one friend is the bachlor guy I was talking about and the other friend is the bachlor guys ex-gf(i call her ex-gf because I really don't know what else to call her, they are kind of together but not). Anyway, I said (thinking I was going too), "Okay, did you get a babysitter?." He said, "no, the plan was for just me to go out since you already went out with friends tonight." I really didn't care because I actually didn't feel like going to some smokey place to play pool anyway so I said, "okay cool".
So I came home and they left. I hungout with our son and then put him to bed. I played on the computer for a bit and then he came home.
We were talking later that night and I can't remember what the conversation was but I had given him some advice on something (i think it maybe have been about work). He said, "don't give me advice, i've already had enough advice from them tonight." And I asked, "oh was it advice about me" and he answered "yes, you weren't invited for a reason"...... And yes that was like a slap to the face.
About the advice to spend some time away from his family:
I don't know the specifics of their conversation. But from what my husband told me they had said that the stuff he was complainting to them about (work stress & our bickering) wasn't problems with me but problems with himself. So that's when they told him he should have time away from his family and gave him the invite to spend the night. Yes, his friend is single right now.
Which if he wants to have a guys night out once in a while then I say go for it but just not overnight.
We talked about it for a long time last night. I told him I understand if he wants to talk to his friends about our relationship (after all i'm talking about us now) but that doesn't mean he needs to follow every bit of advice they give. I said if he really wants to talk to someone about me and get advice to follow on things then i'll make him an appointment to see a professional rather than some biased friend, he sounded like he would be up for that so I'm going to look into it.
kannecat,
It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders about the whole situation, particularly, "I said if he really wants to talk to someone about me and get advice to follow on things then i'll make him an appointment to see a professional rather than some biased friend"
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You mentioned your husband is having some stress at work. You mention that you go out on a regular (even though it's not as often as it should be) basis with a group of friends, but you don't mention that your husband goes out with friends on a regular basis or not -- I mean alone, without you. Does he? I agree that you need some time away, a night out with the girls, no kids, no household issues/pressures weighing down on you, is important. You don't say if you're a SAHM or not, if you are, time away is incredibly important and needed. But, your husband needs time out too. It sounds like he goes out (the guys came by to see if he wanted to play pool), but it sounds like he might not get the chance to get out on his own (you assumed you were going too). Time away makes for better relationships, it reduces stress that may be building, it allows for some personal time (anti-claustrophobic so to speak), it lets you chill out, breath and relax on your own. Whether you have issues with your partner or not, it makes you fresher, it makes you both more happier to see each other, revives you a bit. I makes you better parents and better partners (coping goes up when stress goes down). It also helps your relationship stay fresher by having experiences (which equals things to talk about) that don't involve the other person.
You said that you've been bickering lately and his friends encouraged him to come out to talk about the problems you guys have been having. I've got to say, I don't see anything wrong with that, and I don't see anything wrong with him talking to his friends about the problems you guys have been having. Not all problems are worthy of a counselor, but often problems can be helped a lot by bouncing them off a friend. Aren't you more or less doing that now? I don't know about you, but I talk to friends about problems I'm having with my husband; sometimes it's not really looking for solutions as much as it is just a vent. And if my friends offer advice I don't agree with I'm able to recognize it as bad and I don't take it, but it still feels good (and has been helpful) just to be able to get it out with someone who didn't have a need to really discuss it (like your spouse rightfully would). Not sure that made sense.
It sounds like his friend suggested he needed a little more time away. I don't see anything wrong with that. I agree staying overnight at a friend's is pretty juvenile, but if, for instance, he'd said he was spending the weekend at the coast with friends on a specific weekend, would that sound bad/odd/wrong to you? (I'm a few hours from the coast so the beach is *the* getaway here, if that doesn't work for you, plug in what does work where you are. One of my friends just went to the coast with friends last weekend. It's done all the time and nobody blinks. My parents had a cabin on a lake and they most often took turns going up there alone -- without each other, for some down time. I should add they were quite happy and had a good relationship. I think the overnighter at his friends house does sound weird, but if you make it anywhere else it doesn't, so maybe it works for a low-budget get-away?
Raising little ones isn't easy. It calls for a lot of patience and very little down time. As my ex once put it, "I can't finish a thought, much less anything I'm trying to do!". Add home life with kids and work stress and you've got more stress (or SAHM mom 24/7 and stress to get more stress). Stress has to come out somewhere and it's most likely to come out at each other. Add that you're pregnant and it's quite clear that the load is only going to get bigger -- along with responsibilities for both of you. How often do the two of you get out together just the two of you, no kids, no friends? Since you mentioned a babysitter, I hope that happens with some regularity, it helps keeps you connected and bonded and I don't think there's ever a time in a marriage that it's more important -- or harder to get. I do think it's important that the two of you talk about issues and problems in your relationship. A couples counselor is a good idea, for certain. My therapist friends ask me to always say that it's important to be sure the counselor/therapist you choose is licensed/has a certificate for couples counseling. Some therapists/counselors offer couples counseling as a "service" despite the fact that they have no training in the field. The training is vital and necessary -- dealing with individuals is completely different than dealing with couples. Those who try without the training end up unintentionally doing a lot more harm to the relationships they're trying to help.
From our Information and Resources section, a few articles on constructive arguing that might be helpful:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You LoveTen Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 3/1/2006 10:41 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
cl-2nd_life, thanks for the reply.
My husband and I both do not go out a lot due to lack of money. For example when I go out for the monthly dinner with friends, I actually eat dinner with my family that way when I go out I just get a pop or water. My husband doesn't have anything planned on regularly basis but he does get out at least once a month also, his outtings are more random since he works retail and can't always make solid plans.
He also gets a lot of time with his friends away from me while at home. You see, we rent our basement to another married couple. The guy is really close friends with my husband so my husband goes down there all the time to play cards with him (my son & I stay upstairs while they're doing that). I'm not close friends with the girl but a lot of times we'll go grocery shopping together so it's nice to have someone to go with.
I am currently a SAHM, I have been since my office closed in August05 (which explains the lack of money i mentioned). I plan to hopefully find a new job after the baby is born but right now my job is taking care of our son and cleaning house.
If it was just the guys going out to play pool I wouldn't have assumed I was going too. But since it was his friend and his friend's ex (a couple we used to double date with sometimes), I had thought that's what we were doing.
I definately agree that personal time is good.
I don't mind that he talks to his friends about his problems. But I don't like that it seems like he follows every bit of advice they give. Sure I get advice from my friends but I don't always agree with what they say. He doesn't seem to have a 'bad advice' filter or whatever, lol.
I'm not near the coast and we don't have any getaways that people around here go to (i'm in michigan).
For a few months at a time we didn't get out at all 'just the two of us' but more recently we have gotten out a couple times. But that is another reason I was upset about his friends telling him to spend more time away from the family, because there already isn't a lot of 'just the two of us' time.
I probably should get some sleep since it's nearly midnight here. Again, thank you for the reply. I'm going to think about all the advice i've read when I get to talk to my husband about this whole thing next.
Kannecat,
I tend to agree with cl-2nd_life. It sounds to me that you are both under a heavy amount of stress. Possibly the best thing to do under these circumstances, is to get away now and then. "Getting away" doesn't necisarrily mean going to the Bahamas, or even out of state for that matter. For your husband, it may be getting away for the night and just goofing off. I, personally, don't think there is anything wrong with a 23 year old crashing over at his friends house. As much as it may not seem like it, you (and him) are BOTH still young! I'm around the same age (I'm 25) and I'm a SAHM as well. On occassion, I'll stay the night at my best friends place, and my husband will do the same with his close friends (not on the same night, of course =). For us, its a free 'Getaway', and I think its rather close minded to say that only people in high school should be doing that. Also, you mentioned that he is a retail manager, which is a HIGHLY stressful job. I was doing that for a bit (KB Toys), and let me tell you, the pressure on you is massive. My husband was very supportive when I would unintentially bring work home (which happened more than I would have liked). At any rate, give the guy a break: It sounds like the biggest 'real' problem you mention is "bikkering", which coincidentially, is usually solved by taking a little 'getaway' from each other.
-A
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